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Dedicated August 2019

Guest list dilemma with Future Family-in-law

You, on January 2, 2019 at 12:16 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 15

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Long post alert!!!

First of all, I’m such an introvert person and I get so nervous at parties when I don’t know most people there. So that means that I’ll be nervous with people in my wedding if I don’t know them personally. This is one of the reasons I want to keep our wedding intimate and only inviting people we’ve both known personally. Another reason is cost. I don’t want to spend too much money on people I don’t even know nor on people I have to invite just because my FMIL knows them, etc. The 3rd reason I want to keep a short guest list is that i figure it will be a less stressful and more intimate wedding if I would only have family and close friends there. But my Future Mother-in-law doesn’t seem to comprehend any of those. She keeps saying that I shouldn’t cut people out, she keeps saying that she’ll be paying for the wedding. By the way, she doesn’t even have the money and she’d have to take a loan out if she wants to pay for the wedding. Also, she keeps taking over every decision and keeps dominating all the planning process because she always says she’s the one that pays for it. Sometimes I just wanna be cheap and pay for my micro-wedding because it almost seems like because she’s paying for the wedding that that gives her the power to decide everything. i want to keep my guest list at 75 but she keeps saying to add people into it.
Also, My FH and I are both college students paying out of pocket so she knows we don’t have much money. Ugh. What should I do? Have anybody experienced the same family drama?

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15 Comments

Latest activity by Joanna, on January 2, 2019 at 8:22 PM

Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on January 2, 2019 at 12:41 AM
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Based on what you need/want, I’d suggest you & your FH pay for it and refuse your MIL’s help/money. You could have a lovely catered brunch or dinner in a church/temple hall or community center for not a lot of money. Mexican, Italian or BBQ restaurants can cater delicious buffet food starting from $10-$15 per person (or an afternoon cake & punch reception which would be even cheaper). You & your FH need to come up with your plan, sit with your FMIL and explain it to her. You’re establishing your own home/family and this is a perfect time to practice working as a team and setting boundaries! You can do it.
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Super February 2019
Maggie · on January 2, 2019 at 12:52 AM
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I would not take her money and plan the wedding you two can afford on your own. Curious as to how your FH feels? Does he also want a small wedding? Is he as concerned about his moms involvement? I think the most important thing is that you two are on the same page. I would have him talk to his mom if you are in agreement and tell her you really appreciate her generous offer but that you will be funding the wedding yourself. After that you can firmly but kindly tell her no if she persists in asking you to plan a wedding you are uncomfortable with.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on January 2, 2019 at 12:58 AM
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There's so much wrong with this post.
1.) Why are you accepting money from your FMIL when you know she doesn't even have it?
2.) If you do decide to have her go into debt for your wedding, she should absolutely have a say in who is invited. You and your FH (who doesn't seem to have any opinions in this entire situation) make the final decisions, but if she's paying, she should have input.
3.) In your entire post, you never once mentioned what your FH wants.
"I don’t want to spend too much money on people I don’t even know.."
"The 3rd reason I want to keep a short guest list is..."
"Sometimes I just wanna be cheap and pay for my micro-wedding..."
4.) Seventy five guests is not an intimate wedding. An intimate guest list is typically just immediate family. Unless you both have tons of siblings, I don't see how that's possible.
Have a conversation with your FH. I personally think you need to come to some kind of compromise, especially if you're taking your FMIL's nonexistent money. It's perfectly fine to tell her she can't invite complete strangers, but if she wants to invite a friend or two of her own to a party that she's paying for, she's not out of line. That's what happens when you let someone else pay for your wedding.
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Dedicated August 2019
You · on January 2, 2019 at 1:15 AM
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Thanks for the advice!
Yeah. I’m thinking about doing Italian and there is an Administration building that we’re hoping to use for the reception because that could make it cheaper.
As far as establishing the boundaries, this is going to be hard for me as I always worry about what people think of me, but I have to think about my own little family that we are about to build.
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Dedicated August 2019
You · on January 2, 2019 at 1:32 AM
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FH actually doesn’t express his opinions much as far as the little details about the wedding. He mostly agrees with anything I say and what his mother says. Then when there are arguments between his mom and I, i noticed that he just disappears or just don’t say anything. Also I’m struggling to find out what he really wants to do because of that. I am not sure if I am being a bridezilla that he is afraid to speak up, or this is just how he is.

As far as the money from my FMIL, I tried to deny it, but both my FMIL and FFIL insisted that they’ll help us. I didn’t want to come off rude and just say no to it or anything.

A compromise would be ideal but everytime we are talking about wedding, it seems like it always ends up being so dramatical.
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Super February 2019
Maggie · on January 2, 2019 at 2:03 AM
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Well the size of your wedding and where the money is coming from aren't really little details, he needs to have an opinion on that. You guys need to have an honest conversation about what BOTH of you want for your wedding. I'm not sure what you argue about with your FMIL but his reaction is concerning. You shouldn't be constantly at odds, but he should also be sticking up for you with his mom. I also don't think you should be taking their money, you are putting yourself in a terrible position by accepting it just to be polite. I think you and FH have some family dynamics to work out separate from the wedding before you start to tackle the guest list and budget issues.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on January 2, 2019 at 6:20 AM
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Not having an opinion on your own wedding or an argument between your FW and your mother isn't really an option. These are both important things that he, as your future husband, should be concerned about. I find it a little odd that you don't know if this is how he typically is or if he's just afraid to speak up. I mean you're about to marry the guy, maybe you should know how he handles conflict?
It's not rude to decline financial help from your future in laws. In fact, it seems like a smart idea in this situation.
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Super October 2019
Brittany · on January 2, 2019 at 8:43 AM
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I agree with PP's. I would 100% have a conversation with your FH. What does he think about all of this? They're his parents. If he doesn't want to step in and help, or handle this conflict, how will he handle other situations that may come up in the future? I would honestly hate to have to deal with my in laws on my own and have my FH sit back and have no interest in resolving the issue(s).

Also, saying and doing are completely different. Your FMIL says she WILL be helping to pay for the wedding, but you mention that she doesn't actually have the money. I would just plan your wedding without thinking that you're getting help from her. If she does help you pay though, you'll have to compromise some things. For example, I really didn't want children invited to my wedding but my dad is paying for everything and wants kids there, so I compromised that with him. Everything is really just about communication. I think in this situation the most critical conversation that you need to have is with your FH. Good luck!
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Devoted May 2019
Sarah · on January 2, 2019 at 11:21 AM
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If you let your MIL run over you in your wedding, it's going to trickle into your marriage. If your FH won't stick up for you now, how does he plan to do so in your marriage? This is a conversation my FH had to have. Me and my FH dont have very much money either. We are graciously accepting any help (help decorating, etc) but NO money from anyone. Our budget is $1,500 for wedding/reception (dress, clothing, food, decorations, venue, etc).
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Super November 2019
Melissa · on January 2, 2019 at 11:45 AM
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Based from a friend's experience: dont count on people giving you money for your wedding. God forbid you and your future spouse are left with a hefty bill after someone promised they'd help pay and cant come up with a cent. Things happen, dont count on others.
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on January 2, 2019 at 12:04 PM
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My mom resented being controlled by her MIL for years. After having two kids of her own, she finally started saying "No" and was worried about being "the bad guy" but she said she wished she set boundaries earlier. You can do it!
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Champion December 2017
earias · on January 2, 2019 at 3:00 PM
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Exactly this.
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Super March 2019
Alejandra · on January 2, 2019 at 6:13 PM
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It sounds like you need to postpone everything until you can pay for it yourselves, I can just imagine how she'll behave towards you and FH once she has debt over your wedding. Also your FH should not just walk away and ignore the situation when his mother and future wife are at odds. He should be the peacemaker but he just kind of ghosts the situation and leaves you to deal with it, not cool. You should have your cheap micro-wedding afterall thats what you really want, right? Best of luck.
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Dedicated August 2019
You · on January 2, 2019 at 6:40 PM
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Thank you, ladies for all the eye-opening insights. My FH and I definitely need to better our communication with each other especially with all the wedding stresses coming up. As far as money, we may end up go very cheap and pay for all of it. This way, no loans need to be taken out.
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Devoted February 2016
Joanna · on January 2, 2019 at 8:22 PM
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No one should be taking a loan and going into debt for a wedding, be it you, your FH, or your families. Plan the wedding the two of you want, save up for it, and don't share details with others. Your FILs may be "insisting" on helping but you don't have to take the check or cash; if it's handed to you, leave it on the table. Just refuse it. Tell them you want to start your marriage by being adults and doing the planning, budgeting, and paying on your own. It's a great way to bond and a good learning experience.
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