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R
Dedicated September 2021

Disappointing and unsure of fh

Rachel, on January 24, 2021 at 8:42 AM Posted in Planning 0 36
Idk if I can over this. After the new year FH and I started to talk about wedding plans - well I didn’t know he had a few drinks at first and we were talking. So I mentioned a small chapel ceremony and reception dinner ( it’s our second so I said it will be small ) he said sure your parents are paying right ? I swore he was joking at first. Then I realized he was not. I said well idk maybe my parents can pay the chapel but can’t we contribute to dinner and other stuff ? He said no. I said fine I will he said no cause that’s the same thing. He said try to get more money out of your mom. Keep in mind my parents don’t have much and live off my dads pension. I was crying and so upset. He said save the waterworks for your mom not me. After this went on for hour I said well i guess we can’t get married. He said sure poor people get married every day — in other words I come from a poor family - wth. I mean even if he’s drunk how wrong was that ?


The next day I was still upset and said idk what to think. He said sorry I didn’t realize your parents are on a pension we will pay. I was drinking and egging you on.
But I can’t get it out of my head. Since then when I ask his opinion or ask do you want to drive past chapel he has no interest. I said should we not do this ? But then he looks upset so it’s confusing.
Oh and I asked how he paid for his first wedding - he said he paid it all. I asked cause I knew the ex wife’s family didn’t have much. Was he projecting from his past marriage ? I’m so sad. This isn’t how it should be. Am I wrong to feel insecure now

36 Comments

Latest activity by Samantha, on January 25, 2021 at 10:06 AM
  • Gabby
    Devoted October 2021
    Gabby ·
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    I'm worried about how he treated you when he was drunk. I've gone through that with my last relationship and it just continually got worse. Drunk words are sober thoughts. My FH literally constantly tells me how in love with me and how he can't wait to marry me when he's drunk.


    Your feelings are definitely valid. He should be showing some interest in your wedding.
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  • Michelle
    Master April 2021
    Michelle ·
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    Your feelings are definitely valid. Does he think a lot? These issues aren’t going to go away until they’re dealt with.
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  • Katie
    VIP August 2020
    Katie ·
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    Rachel, I’m so sorry and I agree with you, it shouldn’t be this way. I don’t mean to sound harsh at all so forgive me if it comes across like that but, 1. No one takes advantage of my parents, 2. A real man doesn’t use a sorry excuse of drinking for saying such cruel things “save your waterworks for your mom” like really?, and 3. A grown up man accommodates his partner for a simple chapel drive by.


    Stand your ground and set your expectations to be crystal clear. If he is genuinely sorry and his actions show that, then great 👍 Hope this gets resolved quickly for you ❤️
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  • R
    Dedicated September 2021
    Rachel ·
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    Thank you all. I’m so beside myself with this and holding it in is making me feel crazy. I can’t tell family and Friends ot they will possibly judge him and what if it turns out to be ok ? So lately I’m getting lost in my head. I’m thinking ok your being dramatic. I’m also wondering is this about his ex wife ? He wasn’t the one who wanted the divorce. She filed and he was heartbroken at first. So maybe reality hit with wedding planning ?


    Why was his ex more important where he could pay for that but my parents should pay for our second wedding cause it’s tradition ? The next day he said sorry and he was egging me on but like you said drunk words are sober thoughts. Why does he have no interest ? I asked him to drive by the chapel and he’s like I saw it on google. Is he pushing me away so I say let’s not do it ? I just don’t know what to think. I’m heart broken and have no one to talk to which is killing me.
    Oh and then his mom tells me to not tell the kids about it till the day of ! Cause his crazy ex wife may make things worse with court or mess it up. She wants us to tell his four kids the morning of and she will have extra dresses in case sizes don’t work. This isn’t exactly what I hoped for Smiley sad
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  • R
    Dedicated September 2021
    Rachel ·
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    Up until 3 weeks ago he drank almost daily. But he found out he has high blood
    Pressure and was put on cholesterol meds so he stopped. He’s so different. But this happened when he drank. Not sure what to think
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  • R
    Dedicated September 2021
    Rachel ·
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    He told me women plan and he will pay
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  • Allie
    VIP November 2021
    Allie ·
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    Rachel, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. As others said, the way he spoke to you drunk is NOT okay and your feelings are very valid with how you are feeling. My FH and I are kind of in a similar situation with my parents, they are divorced, my dad has been unemployed for almost 2 years and my mom was having a hard time staying afloat. So while we’d love their help, we chose to pay for our wedding with what we had and what his parents offered to gift us. You should not be made to feel like you have to go ask your parents for help and I would really be questioning whether this wedding is a good idea at this point.
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  • V
    Rockstar July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    Sorry but drinking is never an excuse. If he's being this way now, I can only imagine how he will be once you are married. Just maybe this is why his ex-wife left him.
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  • R
    Dedicated September 2021
    Rachel ·
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    I thought the same. Actually she said he was verbally abusive. It’s gonna take me time to process it all. It’s been four years almost. And he’s my highschool bf I reconnected with. Really sad
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  • Dana
    Savvy October 2021
    Dana ·
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    You guys gotta talk it through... He was drunk but that can only slide so far. I can empathize because I don't like my fiance when he's drunk but even then, he has never been cruel or even mean to me. You need to have an honest discussion with him and get everything out.
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  • V
    Rockstar July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    Well from what you wrote, it doesn't sound like the ex-wife was all that wrong. He sounds like a jerk, but is trying to push it off as him just being drunk.
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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    Up until 3 weeks ago he drank daily? That seems like a red flag to me. Have you two considered couples counseling? I would halt all wedding conversations and start counseling to find more effective ways of communicating that don’t involve him insulting you when you’re discussing something important.
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  • A
    Expert September 2020
    Amanda ·
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    I’m so sorry. I’m mostly worried about how he spoke to you; but that you didn’t even know he was drunk at the time. This is a lot of red flags for me.
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  • A
    Super September 2020
    Alli ·
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    Agee with the others... this is not normal or okay what he said and how you were treated. I’m afraid to ask how he is under stress. I personally would seek therapy before moving forward.
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  • R
    Dedicated September 2021
    Rachel ·
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    Agree. I didn’t realize it at first


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  • Suzie
    Super October 2021
    Suzie ·
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    I second what Veronica said. This is 100% verbal abuse, and I say this as someone who was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship for 11 years. My ex would say horrible things to me, then leave when I cried bc he didn’t want to “deal with me” being emotional. Being drunk is not an excuse. Drinking emphasizes your real thoughts and emotions, so trying to downplay it like “oh I was just drunk” is him trying to save face. I would never say something like that to my husband, nor he to me, drunk or not. Sorry, hun, but I am really not hopeful here. These are classic signs of an abuser, and raise some serious red flags. Also, it’s no one’s place to demand money from anyone else. Even if your parents were well off, it is up to them alone whether they will contribute. The idea of parents paying is so outdated, many couples finance their own wedding. My family has no money, and my husband’s parents are much more well off than we are, but I never expected them to pay for anything. Your feelings are completely valid, and I hope that you take the time to really look at your relationship and whether you see this being your life from here on out. Good luck hun, sending lots of love your way Smiley heart

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  • R
    Dedicated September 2021
    Rachel ·
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    I know. Well he would drink under stress. Bht now he doesn’t. Now he drinks coffee all day and is in another world.
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  • R
    Dedicated September 2021
    Rachel ·
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    Thank you. I started counseling on teletherapy after this. Only had a session but I feel like I need it. Maybe it is why the ex left .. it’s so heartbreaking. I couldn’t wait for him to ask me. He asked in dec things seemed great then we discussed plans that day and it’s a mess now.


    Idk why he even proposed And his moms reaction other day was also bs. Wait and tell his four kids about wedding the morning of. So annoyed with all of it.
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  • R
    Dedicated September 2021
    Rachel ·
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    I know. He would drink pretty much every night until a few weeks ago. Sadly he was nicer. We would watch movies he was affectionate. Now he’s in another world.
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  • R
    Dedicated September 2021
    Rachel ·
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    I was so upset. I said my parents would prob be able to pay for chapel. But idk if anything else. He said well try to get more. They didn’t even pay for your college- he knows this was a sore spot for me always - so that hurt.
    Then I said well I guess we can’t get married if my parents can’t pay ? He said sure we can poor people get married every day. So Basically saying my family is poor. Idk how to get it out of my head. Drunk ot not I am angry and hurt badly.
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