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Just Said Yes September 2018

Disappointed with proposal and i want to get over it.

Veronica, on July 16, 2021 at 2:40 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 12

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So i am 26 and my fiancé is 29. We’ve been together for going on 3 years and we just had our first child. I realize flaws in the beginning of our relationship that don’t help how I feel now. Our relationship started off like wildfire and we talked about marriage right off the bat and we kept saying we’d just elope. Well I planned an elopement 3 times. Just to have had to cancel them every time. I didn’t ask for a ring I just wanted to marry him. Things then changed and he kept saying how we wanted to give me the proposal I deserved and the ring I deserved. So i always imagined the proposal would be sweet and something I’d remember forever. In a good way though. And I never wanted an expensive ring all the rings I sent him were under $1000. Most were like $500. He said he ordered the one ring I really wanted so i was super excited for when the time came. We’ll time goes on and no proposal. We literally went away every weekend in the summer last year. So I wouldn’t even of expected a proposal because they were all spontaneous outings.
Well he ended up proposing after I told him I
Needed some time. I keep getting upset every time I expect to get proposed to so I just wanted time to get my thoughts together. Because things just weren’t adding up to me. He then proposed when we got back from a trip in my works parking lot. With a ring that is cheap. And normally I wouldn’t care about cost except for her said he got the one I wanted which was $750.00. And he literally just handed me the ring. So I told him “are you being serious” I said no. I needed to hold back tears. I was about to go into my work and I didn’t want to look like a blubbering mess. So then he tries again 2 days later. After he tells me to call for a reservation to his favorite restaurant. Not mine. And as I’m rushing to get ready he gets down on one knee and literally tells me to put the ring on. Not anything about how he feels about me, why he might want to marry me. Which is honestly all I wanted. I just wanted him to tell me how he felt about me and I would’ve been happy. The location didn’t mean anything to me. But I didn’t take the ring so he put the ring on the dresser and told me to put it on and to hurry up. I guess I’m struggling with that he said he wanted to give me a grand proposal with a great ring all to do what he did. Makes me feel like I really didn’t deserve the special proposal he said he wanted to give. Now I don’t want to plan a wedding or even an elopement because I don’t want anything special. And I did tell him what I wanted in a proposal. So he wasn’t in the dark about it. I have resentment now towards him because I feel like I wasn’t asking much and I was dragged along for awhile for pretty much nothing. He should’ve just taken my offer to pass on a proposal and to get married at the courthouse. I just want advice. I know he loves me but I don’t think he really knows how to love me how I want to be loved.

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12 Comments

Latest activity by Lauren, on July 22, 2021 at 11:06 PM

Master September 2019
Sarah · on July 16, 2021 at 2:57 PM
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It sounds like you two would benefit from couples counseling. If this was just about the proposal, I’d say it’s in your best interest to let it go but your statement about him “not knowing how to love you the way you want to be loved” makes it sound like the proposal isn’t the only issue here.
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VIP January 2019
Maggie · on July 16, 2021 at 3:02 PM
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I agree with Sarah, that this sounds like communication issues and mismatching values/expectations that goes a lot deeper than whether or not he planned a proposal you liked. Since you have a kid together I think you should put the effort into starting couples counseling as soon as possible. The counseling will help you sort out whether or not this is a person you should want to marry (regardless of how he proposed).
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Master October 2020
Yasmine · on July 16, 2021 at 3:03 PM
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I agree with the previous comment, its definitely more going on here than just the proposal. But as far as that, it comes off as you wanting a "picture perfect" proposal that is seen on TV when sometimes it definitely doesn't happen like that. You complained about the ring, the location, because he didn't say what you wanted to hear, etc it really comes off as being ungrateful. I obviously don't know either of you or your relationship but you do have to understand that things don't always happen how they happen in movies/TV and that's perfectly fine. I do agree maybe seek couples counseling.
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Master January 2022
SLY · on July 16, 2021 at 3:05 PM
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I agree with Sarah, couple's counseling is needed. It sounds like there's a lot of miscommunication going on, and you both have different expectations for one another. It can help bring up any underlying issues that are there that you both may not know about. It could also help with your love languages. You said: "not knowing how to love you the way you want to be loved", makes me feel like he doesn't know or understand your love language, and figuring that out can help a relationship a lot!
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January 2019
MOB So Cal · on July 16, 2021 at 3:06 PM
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I agree with pp that it sounds like as a couple you could potentially get a LOT out of some couples counseling -- especially focusing on communication. Good luck to you!
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Super October 2022
Jessi · on July 16, 2021 at 3:08 PM
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I agree with Sarah. That and mentioning that you now see flaws in the beginning of your relationship make me think that this isn't just about the proposal. It sounds like the proposal was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I think couple's counseling is a great idea, and if you think he would be open to it then finding out each of your love languages is a good way for him to learn the way that you need to receive affection.
This might not make you feel better, but my fiance didn't actually "ask" me to marry him. He did propose on a trip, but I was walking away from him and he called me back and I turned around. He was on one knee, but didn't say a single thing or even ask me. I didn't say anything super special, probably something like "of course" and we had to go back to the car before I'd even put it on because I was afraid I'd drop it in the water. For a week or two I was bummed that he didn't say anything and that part wasn't super emotional, because it would've been nice for him to say something! But, our marriage and life together means more and I do know how much he cares because he tells me at other times. Those are the things you guys may need to work on... learning to show your love and feelings on a day to day basis, not just at special times.
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Master January 2022
SLY · on July 16, 2021 at 3:09 PM
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Completely agree. I feel like social media has made grand proposals seem like they're the norm now and that it's the only and best way to propose, when it's not.
FH proposed to me during a walk on a trip, but had no speech or anything. Just "Will you marry me?" and I bawled lol. What matters is the love the two people share.
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Super October 2021
Lisa · on July 16, 2021 at 3:28 PM
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I agree with all of this!
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Super September 2022
Ashlee · on July 16, 2021 at 5:49 PM
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Agree with the PPs about the couples counseling.
You said you needed time, and then he rushed two proposals, which maybe in his mind he felt you were slipping away and that was his way of trying to hang on and give you what you were asking for. Either way, I definitely think you guys need to talk about things, and a counselor can help navigate your relationship with you both!
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VIP April 2022
CountryBride · on July 16, 2021 at 6:45 PM
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Couples Counseling would your be your best bet, Do you think he felt pressured maybe like you wouldn't let it go so he just gave up and did it? I would have a conversation with him about your feelings,
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VIP October 2021
Monica · on July 17, 2021 at 5:05 PM
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Im going to give a perspective on the actual proposal disappointment unlike others only telling you two to go to counseling. I completely understand proposal disappointnent, but Unfortunately I also think you set yourself up for disappointment. I understand expecting a proposal at some point in your relationship but expecting a proposal on various outings is just going to make you feel sad when you realize it isn’t happening. I had proposal disappointment because of the circumstances and the way my FH proposed. We had been going through a bout of arguements during that time, just weren’t getting along very well the week before he proposed. We were at buffalo wild wings about to eat and it was april fools day FH opened the ring box and said “i know its april fools, but I would be a fool to not want to spend my life with you”. I guess its somewhat sweet when I think about it but he didn’t get down on 1 knee. He didnt tell me anything about how he felt about me. Honestly I was not happy about it, we had just had a huge fight a week before and now you are proposing?? And it wasn’t anything special about the proposal at all. We had been together 12 years we have a child together we always knew we would marry.

I didn’t wear my ring for a month. I felt disappointment every time i thought about it. I just had to get over it. I had to realize the man Im with is Not THAT TYPE of man. I am the planner, not him. Im the one who does the surprising, not him. Im the one who does big gestures, not him. He was so excited to give me the ring after he bought it, that he bought it & we immediately went to the restaurant to give me the ring. I had to stop focusing on HOW it happened. And once I started wedding planning I felt happier, more excited. Unfortunately our society puts proposals on a pedestal and it kind of messses up our heads. Especially when you share you are engaged, whats the first thing ppl ask? Its “How did he propose???” I learned to tell ppl “it was short & sweet” because if i said we were at a restaurant and he just handed me a ring, it would change the tone of the conversation and FH would actually be embarrassed when I say it like that.
Sorry that your FH said he wants to give you the proposal that you deserve & still didnt give you a proposal that you were expecting. But just try to move forward and find things that make you happy about finally being engaged.
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Just Said Yes November 2022
Lauren · on July 22, 2021 at 11:06 PM
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I hate the disappointing feeling. I’ve learned part of it is setting up your own expectations but at the same time you’re fully entitled nor are you asking for a lot. My fiancé and I have a saying, “you’re not wrong, but you should know better.” It doesn’t make things easier or ok but it does settle easier.

Once I’ve set my low expectations i often ask myself if it’s worth staying for. The answer Depends on what is important to you and what you’re willing to sacrifice. But I’d the answer is no, that’s ok too and you just gotta do you. It only goes up from there.
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