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Savvy November 2019

Disappointed but not surprised at my mom.

Erica, on October 10, 2019 at 9:46 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 1 10

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The wedding is 3 weeks away and all the rsvps are in. At least the ones i expected an answer from.

For those who might have read my previous posts, my mom and I are not exactly friends. She doesn't talk to me. I wasn't expecting much for her input or excitement towards the wedding. But since before I sent out the invites (about 3 months ago) I have not heard anything from her. The last time we even spoke was i think March or April when i was trying to ask her if she wanted to come dress shopping with me. She never gave me an answer, so i went without her.
Well, she never sent back her rsvp. Nor told anyone (even my sister who is my MOH) if she is coming. So she will most likely not be there. My Dad thinks that she might make a "surprise appearance", meaning that she'll just show up with no notice. I'm of the opinion that if she wants to come and have a good time i would have been perfectly fine with it. But if she was going to have an attitude, i would have someone send her home.
Now it is 3 weeks away, the rsvp day is passed, the caterer has the final count, and i have to plan for her potentially showing up.
My uncle, Dad's brother, is officiating. I am going to talk with him today about the ceremony and what to do.
The divorce was not a happy one. My mom hates my Dad's side of the family. My fiance's family is not huge fans of her either. I don't know who i would send to have her go home.

Anyone have any thoughts?

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10 Comments

Latest activity by Erica, on October 18, 2019 at 12:28 PM

Devoted April 2020
Sabrina · on October 10, 2019 at 9:51 AM
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Will you have a DOC or planner that can step in? Can you sister step in and ask her to go?
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Savvy November 2019
Erica · on October 10, 2019 at 9:55 AM
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My sister is close with my mom so i don't want her to be in the middle of it. I do have a coordinator. I just don't know if she can do that. I'm meeting with her next Wednesday so i can talk to her about it then.
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Master February 2020
Amber · on October 10, 2019 at 9:56 AM
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I would just send your mom a basic message saying "Just a reminder that our rsvp date was ____ and we haven't received your rsvp. If we do not hear from you by ____ (two or three days), we will assume you cannot attend and will not be able to accommodate your attendance."
I'm sorry your relationship with her is so strained. I wouldn't cater to her behavior by accommodating her when she can't even RSVP. If she wants to make a surprise appearance, I would have someone escort her out.
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Savvy November 2019
Erica · on October 10, 2019 at 10:31 AM
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Honestly, with how many ropes i have thrown her i wasn't even going to reach out. It's her own problem now. This strain has been going on for at least 5 years (since i moved out). I just *hate* putting people in the middle of this that i don't want anyone to be uncomfortable with it. I'm mainly just trying to get some input on who can send her away without causing a scene.
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VIP August 2021
Jennifer · on October 10, 2019 at 2:04 PM
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I wouldn't reach out. Does your venue have security included? I know some (like mine) have an off duty cop that come to their events. Your DOC should be able to handle it if not though! I'm sorry you're going through this
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Devoted November 2020
Kayla · on October 10, 2019 at 2:31 PM
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I'm sorry about your relationship with your mom. But I agree that you've done what you can in terms of reaching out and that its on her now. I would definitely talk to your coordinator to see if there is anything she can do first. Maybe an off duty cop? I know since we're serving alcohol we had to hire one for the reception. If that's something you need to do as well, maybe see if they could get there early for the ceremony to stop her.
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Master 0000
Judith · on October 11, 2019 at 1:08 AM
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I would only reach out a week ahead, to say, since you never said you were coming, we have taken you off the list, redone the seating, and told the venue you are not on the invitation list and will not be seated. Enough of bending over til your hands are on the floor and saying "kick me. " You have reached out. If she cannot even give you the time or courtesy one would give a stranger, then if she did come she would make you miserable every time you looked her way. Don't punish yourself. Maybe some time in the next 30 years she will change. For now, close the door. Time to start the show, without her present. I am sorry you are being treated this way. But if you keep chasing her with nothing positive coming from it, you will begin to convince yourself that the problem is you, you are not likeable. Ask your FI. You are precious in his eyes, and your mom's lack of attention is her problem. Have a wonderful wedding with the people who do care about you and show it .
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on October 11, 2019 at 3:09 AM
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I think you need to delegate someone to politely, firmly, and unequivocally ask her to leave if she shows up.
My mother at least did RSVP no, but, like you, we weren't sure if she would show up or not to throw drama.
I was fully prepared to have the venue handle it, but DH and one of his GMs devised a plan (...it involved some choice words and threats, so I will not post it here... though I found it hilarious and touching at the same time). However, she did NOT show up.
I'd be prepared for her to not show up. If she hates your dad's side of the family, and your dad will be there, she likely will not want to risk that interaction.
I'm so sorry. I know what this feels like. Try to sort through the emotions now, so that you can be focusing on who is there on your wedding day. (I ended up being super calm and happy, because I didn't feel like i had to manage my mother.) Let yourself have a good cry, write out/type out a rant somewhere not-very-public, and put those feelings in a little corner where they can sit out the wedding. They'll come back, but they'll keep, too.
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Savvy November 2019
Erica · on October 13, 2019 at 12:55 AM
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Thank you all so much on your thoughts. I will probably text her a week before just letting her know that since we haven't heard anything from her we have taken her off the list and she doesn't have a seat at the wedding. My dad, younger sister, and grandma will be in town starting the monday before the wedding. The rest of my family will be here that wednesday. So, i will have plenty of support should she decide to be hateful in any response she may give. And i will still talk with my planner in case she does decide to show up.
Thank you all.
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Savvy November 2019
Erica · on October 18, 2019 at 12:28 PM
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Update:
I have decided to text her the week before saying that we cannot accommodate her and that I will not be reaching out again. If she wants to talk, she will need to reach out.
I also spoke with my older sister, who is also my MOH, and if mom does show up she will talk to her. She asked if communication did occur between now and then if I would be willing to have her there. I said no, not only because it would be super uncomfortable for not only me, but her and grandpa as well. Also, we have literally no seating and I already gave my final count to the caterer.
Thank you all again, for your input.
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