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Savvy October 2020

Difficult to maintain enthusiasm

Amanda, on July 26, 2019 at 8:54 PM Posted in Planning 0 14

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So, I am doing most (read: all) of the legwork for our wedding. Venue and vendor research, timeline planning, the works. Everytime I try to bring up wedding plans with my FH he gets stressed and irritable. On rare occasions we have really great, involved talked about what we both want. But when I try to make decisions or keep him informed on details he shuts it down. Mostly because everything is "too expensive" and a "waste of money" or a "scam". I'm all for keeping our costs down, but we have help from our families for financial items and I don't think that wanting a photographer is a scam. Our wedding is over a year away and both caterers and photographers are booking like crazy, so I'm trying to pick those two vendors now. Feeling pretty bummed and frustrated that he doesn't seem to understand why this is important to do now, or be interested in trying to understand why. Is anyone else running into these issues with their partner?

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14 Comments

Latest activity by D, on July 27, 2019 at 8:16 PM

Master November 2019
Mrs. S · on July 26, 2019 at 9:03 PM
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My fiancé sounds the same way except he hasn’t used the word scam. I just ended up picking and booking everything. I would show him the choices, he didn’t really care, even though we had discussed certain ideas like you guys. I don’t think there’s really a solution other than just starting making choices (keeping in mind the things he said he wants) and put down the deposits and then it’ll be done.
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Expert November 2019
Keri · on July 26, 2019 at 9:14 PM
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Did you guys mutually decide on a budget? I know family has offered to help, but will the two of you be covering the rest?
I think a lot of men think differently about weddings. My FH thought it was absurd to spend 20+k on this wedding. He just wants to be married without all the frills. However, when I showed him the guest list and what everything costs, he got it. We didn't want potluck. We didn't want family/friends working. We wanted alcohol/good food and lots of it. That adds up. So we are keeping it simple with decor and other things, but it does cost a pretty penny.
Have an honest conversation with him and see what you are comfortable spending and how to spend the money that is being gifted to you.
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on July 26, 2019 at 10:02 PM
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My husband has always been the ultimate procrastinator so I wasn't surprised albeit still annoyed though whenever he would say "we can do that later" ... It's like if we waited to when he would do it, nothing would get done! So I feel ya. You're doing a good job and I know it can be really overwhelming and a lot of pressure to feel like it's all up to you
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Master September 2019
Colleen · on July 26, 2019 at 10:17 PM
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We discussed a budget even with my dad helping we still wanted to be careful with the money. Can you Meet him half way? Like hey a shorter time for photography ? Not sure if you have tried this.
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Master December 2019
Cher Horowitz · on July 26, 2019 at 10:47 PM
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That's kinda concerning FH isn't helping you like he should. Definitely have a discussion about how much you're both willing to spend and show him how much things really cost!
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Super September 2020
Jennifer · on July 26, 2019 at 11:10 PM
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Perhaps he isn't into the big wedding idea. I feel like he does and I'm the bride planning the wedding. 😂

Maybe see what his views are on things. We sat down and made a list of must have, dont wants, and dont care abouts. Helped me to feel that I actually get to inject some of myself into something I really am only doing for him.
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Devoted April 2022
J · on July 27, 2019 at 12:12 AM
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I feel like this is such a male thing haha. When we first started planning my FH was also overwhelmed and would think some things were crazy over priced - sadly weddings are just expensive! (But there are ways to save). I agree with the PP, sit down and discuss what aspects are most important to you and go from there.

If he still doesn't seem thrilled I would move on with just making the decisions yourself! - within reason, like if he HATES pink don't go out and buy pink everything lol.

You'll get through this! I found the most stressful thing about planning was getting the ball rolling, but usually once you get started everything falls into place (:
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Master October 2020
Mandi · on July 27, 2019 at 12:47 AM
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My fiance kinda drug his feet on the whole planning thing... til 2 venues we contacted were already booked that same weekend. Then he realized we really did have to start making decisions. I gave him some tasks I knew he would like and asked him to let me ok them. It really jumpstarted things.
He was also very shocked by the photographer pricetag... til I showed him a comparison that came in $4k over what we paid. He seemed to realize I was doing the best I could to keep things reasonable.
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Dedicated July 2020
Rachael · on July 27, 2019 at 3:32 AM
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My FH gets stressed but when I say I'll do it myself he gets even more stressed because I'm Chronically Ill and he doesnt want me to stress myself so he wants all actual vendors but the cost causes him to become stressed.
He's left almost everything to me until I put my foot down and said he's handling food (cake and catering) and I'll do everything else. Which is slightly fair I guess because I have more free time than he does but also... It's very ironic that he does this to not cause stress
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Just Said Yes March 2020
Tracy · on July 27, 2019 at 6:06 AM
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My FH and I had similar issues at first, but once I opened up to him and told him that I really wanted his input on OUR wedding day, he admitted that he was just scared that he was going to do something wrong or say the wrong words or not like what I like, in turn upsetting me. After I explained to him that I wanted our wedding to be about the both of us and our love story, he's done a complete 180. He even picked out AND booked our photographer and videographer this week (with my approval of course)!!!!!!!!

I think men just panic over weddings because most guys know that we ladies have been dreaming of this day our entire lives and they just kinda show up to the party and put the planning in motion by giving us our rings. lol. I've been planning, literally, since the night he asked me to marry him. We are just hard wired that way, I think, and some men don't really know what they are in for after the proposal.

So maybe just sitting down with him and asking what HE wants out of your wedding day will help him open up about it.

Good luck! And happy planning!!!
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Master January 2021
Andrea · on July 27, 2019 at 7:51 AM
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Hi Amanda,
I wouldn't worry about it too much, and actually would encourage an open conversation between you and your FH. My fiance is the SAME WAY. He cringes at certain topics that are wedding related, especially the guest list. He is inviting people on his side of the family that he doesn't really want to, but he's doing it anyway to avoid drama, and he straight up told me that thinking about "haters" being at our wedding makes me so uncomfortable. He knows it'll be fun, and he has given me his opinion on a few aspects such as food, cake, and invite options. But he's not going to sit at our desktop and browse the internet for ideas and inspiration, it's just not his flex.
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VIP December 2020
Amanda · on July 27, 2019 at 10:04 AM
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I'll be the odd one out here and say that my FH is/was the one who wanted the big wedding and knew the costs associated with having the big wedding.
FH is not overly interested in details and isn't one for random wedding chit chat as it isn't interesting to him (flowers, colors, signs, etc) however, he was the one who found the venue and gave direction on what colors he likes so I was able to build on that. I do bounce ideas off of him for theme/overall feel and he gives me his input or just say's he agree's with and trusts my taste and goes with most things.
You and your FH need to sit down and work on a budget and you might need to show him what you are looking at and have examples of costs of things so he has a realistic idea of what a real wedding actually costs.
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Devoted April 2021
Allaura · on July 27, 2019 at 5:24 PM
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My fiancé was like that too. I made a list of like wedding things and asked him what exactly he cared about (food & rings). Everything else I know whatever I pick is fine and I don’t even need to bother him with it. We also made it a point to only talk about wedding stuff on Sundays. That way I could give him an update on what I was deciding and how things were coming along, I could ask him how the food and stuff was coming and I didn’t annoy him with questions and updates and stuff he didn’t care about. Doing this helped me not worry about his reactions to stuff and it helped me get him more involved in the wedding
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Super July 2020
D · on July 27, 2019 at 8:16 PM
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Try asking him what are his top 2 priorities for the wedding day. Food? Drink? His clothes? Music? If it's important to him he'll get involved and be interested. Photographers just are not going to be important to him, sorry. Take time, a lot of time, researching photographers and comparing prices. It's a ton of money! Just because they book fast doesn't mean you can't shop around.
I get cranky too when it comes to wedding budget talk. But I'm also the one taking the time looking into things. She would pay "whatever" and I'm "um, no that's absurd. This is what our budget for that is."
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