Beginner June 2021

Difficult Father

Alex, on November 14, 2019 at 1:29 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 11
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My fiancé and I are in the process of planning our wedding for 2020 and as things are starting to get booked up the stress is building. My father has always been a very difficult person and its either you agree with him or get out. We have found a date for the wedding venue that we like but my father is too busy to set a budget for us. He is on vacation then the following week he is working.. same old. He refuses to text about it either because he wants to meet face to face. Which will not be for two weeks. I expressed my urgency to him and instead was met with “if you are planning to pay for this yourself, go ahead. Otherwise wait until we meet in person” and once i said that it seemed like this was not a priority. He said that we have not mentioned LOVE or CHRIST in any of our conversations and that he may not come to the wedding. I was in shock and in tears. I am an untraditional person, and he is extremely conservative. This is supposed to be the best day of my life.. but I am instead being bullied, crying, and threatened.


Latest activity by Valerie, on November 14, 2019 at 10:09 PM
  • Mrs. S
    Master November 2019
    Mrs. S ·
    • Flag
    So I would just plan it yourself and not worry about him bc he’s only going to get worse
    • Reply
  • Kelly
    Champion October 2018
    Kelly ·
    • Flag
    I would move forward with planning the wedding yourself with the money you have. It does not sound like you two will ever be on the same page and his money will most likely come with a lot of strings attached.
    • Reply
  • V
    Veronica ·
    • Flag

    Unfortunately, I don't think that your father is going to ease up as planning progresses. If there is any way for you to pay for everything yourself, I think that's the only way you will get what you want.

    • Reply
  • M
    Expert September 2020
    Marcia ·
    • Flag
    I would try to pay for it without your father’s help. He will likely get more difficult and controlling as the planning process progresses. Not worth the stress.
    • Reply
  • Cristy
    Master May 2021
    Cristy ·
    • Flag

    This is not good. I think a lot of times when family (usually parents) help out financially, they become unbearable to deal with, or there are a lot of strings attached to their money. It sounds like you and your father are very different people, so this could mean a year or more of disagreeing, fighting, drama. You don't want this for your wedding.

    If you really want to be free of this, I think the best thing you can do is to plan for you and FH to pay for your own wedding. It can be done. Lots of us are doing it ourselves. It mostly just takes time. See how much you can save each month, to put away for the wedding. Then start researching the most cost-effective options in each category (venue, catering, photography, decor, etc.), and go from there. You and FH will be much happier, and you won't have to be constantly butting heads with your dad. You can do it!!

    • Reply
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle Online ·
    • Flag
    Sorry to hear the troubles. I'd do as PpS mentioned and just plan with your own funds. It's going to be hard to work via someone else's schedule and time and money and desires. It's your wedding so you get to take control with whatever funds you have.
    • Reply
  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
    • Flag

    Agree with others that based on what you've shared, I would plan the wedding you and FH can afford without FOB's financial assistance or input. It sounds like you know all too well what you're setting yourselves up for with him; unless you want this to continue, and likely get worse, step away. A less expensive wedding you have complete control over will make you much happier in the long-run than one subsidized by someone who is going to attempt to control and bully you. You can have a simple ceremony and a cake & punch reception that makes you happy!

    • Reply
  • earias
    Champion December 2017
    earias ·
    • Flag

    This will only get worse, not better. A lot of parents give money with strings attached but, here, you have more than just strings attached. He is using the money to bully you and make you cry. Don't let him. Plan and pay for your own wedding and then he won't have that power over you.

    • Reply
  • Kathryn
    VIP August 2020
    Kathryn ·
    • Flag
    Oooh I feel you on a spiritual level! My dad was grumpy and judging while we were living together but not engaged- snide comments, disapproving looks when he visited us, growling- and he's always been a bit on the controlling side himself. So when we got engaged, I told my FH that my ONE stipulation was that my dad was not paying. Not for a single napkin. Because he would make it about him and think he gets to have opinions. I wanted this to be our day with our decisions, so we forged ahead with the plan that we would foot the bill.

    I am telling you, it was wonderful to just be able to choose things ourselves. I'm very lucky because while I was paying off my student loans, my FH was stockpiling most of his salary. So my loans are paid off in record time because I had the money, but I have no savings. Then he has a nice stack saved that we're parceling out for a wedding with low stress. Not everyone has that luxury, but it's nice to just make decisions!
    If he wants to gift you money, that's different. But a wedding within your means that you don't have to argue over is going to be my preference every time. If he wants to be involved, explain to him booking timeframes....but also note that we pretty much planned a wedding in two months for 7 months out. So unless you're getting married in January, you probably have some breathing room
    • Reply
  • Alejandra
    Super November 2021
    Alejandra ·
    • Flag

    I'm so sorry that is happening. I agree with everyone, try to pay for it yourselves however you can afford it. It may not be the wedding of your dreams, but no wedding is worth dealing with those comments and emotions from your dad.

    • Reply
  • V
    Devoted August 2020
    Valerie ·
    • Flag
    If you haven’t mentioned “Christ” or “love” and he is still willing to pay, I wouldn’t worry too much. He probably wants to be involved but is expressing his disappointment in some of your choices. They are yours to make and that’s completely fine but if you do expect him to pay you have to go according to his timeline. Otherwise, unfortunately, pay it yourself if you can’t wait.
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