Difficult Family Decisions

I would ask your FH how he feels about her seating arrangements but if you feel she will be negative do not sit her with your family as I know my mom would have gone off on someone disrespecting my wedding day and it will cause issues. You seat her elsewhere with her family but you said many of them have issues with her so take that into account too.

I'm following this, as I have two potentially problematic family members to deal with as well. One on FH's side, and one on mine (if invited). They are one the reasons I would be happy to elope.

I had the same problem with my own mother. She elected not to come, and solved the problem for us.

However, we had members of our BP ready and willing to run interference with her, to enforce boundaries, and our venue coordinator was also aware that she could cause problems. (Check with your venue, they may have policies in place to handle this.)

I'm sorry. It's always ridiculously difficult in our culture to be open about toxic family members - particularly mothers. You're not alone.

View Quoted Comment Alerting our coordinator to the issue is an incredible idea. I'm not entirely sure why that hasn't crossed my mind but it would potentially make a world of a difference.


Thank you for the suggestion and the kind words. I'm glad that you understand. Hopefully she makes the same decision your mother made and saves us the anxiety.

View Quoted Comment Completely agree with this. My cousin’s FMIL was a nightmare throughout the planning process. My cousin alerted the bridal and groom’s party so that we could run interference if needed. We also made sure to keep an eye on the FMIL and step in if she was talking to the bride too long. Giving the coordinator a heads up should help wonders, and make sure your photographer knows too so that they can pose her further away from you

Every situation is different, but have you possible texted and just asked her where she wants to sit? That way she feels like she is having a say, but you have actually the ultimate decision. It works with children too... which ya know...sounds like her (;

FH has to have a seat down one on one talk with his mother. He needs to find out what are her intentions with the wedding and truth be told he can set some ground rules with her respectfully, basically letting her know she should support him with this special day in his life or miss this important day the choice is hers and also let her know how disappointed he will be with her if she decided not to come and be respectful...Good luck

Are you talking about sitting them at the reception or for the ceremony?

For the reception we are grouping people with common interests and friends together as opposed to keeping it strictly on a "role in wedding" basis. My FH and I are sitting at a sweetheart table by ourselves and I'm planning to keep my mom with my cousins as opposed to putting her with my FH's family and members of our wedding parties will be seated with their SO's and friends, so may be dispersed at different tables as opposed to all sitting together. If that is your plan for seating I see no issue with keeping your FMIL with her sisters and friends.

During the ceremony I do think you need to allow space for her to sit with family and she shouldn't be relegated to some seat in the back unless that's where she wants to sit.

We personally aren't having assigned seating at our wedding, that way our guests can sit with whom ever they like. I don't know what it's like to have a FMIL that is so difficult, I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I would just plan on her coming and hope for the best. Maybe have your FH speak with her before hand to be sure she doesn't stir up any drama and ruin your big day.

You can absolutely seat her with her friends and find a few fail-safe measures to make sure that she is very cordial if she does attend your big day!

I was in a similar situation with divorced parents. Ultimately we had my mom and dad on different sides of the reception area at tables with their close friends/family that they would enjoy having dinner with. We also did the same for my husbands (still married) parents, and sat them with their favorite family members.

I was very worried about pictures as well, but it really turned out to not be a big deal. Talk to your photographers - from a logistics standpoint, they'll want a general list of the pictures you want (bride + parents, groom + parents, bride + siblings, bride + parents + siblings, bride + groom + all parents, etc. etc) and this is a perfect opportunity for you to mention to them a difficult relationship - they don't need details but making them aware will keep the process quick. All I told my photographers is that "my parents were divorced and mom does not like dad's girlfriend" and they worked skillfully to make family pictures quick and not have them with each other. You could do pics with MIL and that side of the family first to be done with it! If you have a patient mother, or your FH has a sibling that is aware of your FMIL's behavior, enlist them to talk to her during the reception, keep things light and pleasant (and appropriate!), and keep her out of your hair You're not overthinking, as her behavior is very real, but I promise once it's your wedding day you won't be giving her a second thought.