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Devoted October 2020

Didn’t mention the other wedding

Crystal, on October 15, 2019 at 8:04 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 6

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I’m writing this because i didn’t see anyone else have to deal with this.

My parents are divorced. It was a bitter one and my father did all he could to drive my brother and I apart and destroy my mom any chance he could get.
I got engaged, 9/10/2019 and told my whole family viva text (we have a group chat that we try to stay connected on). A couple weeks later my one aunt asked what days I was thinking because she was going away in June and wanted to make sure she didn’t miss it. I replied, “you’re good, I’m looking for Fall 2020”. At no point did my sil say anything.

Aside: my mother was the one who insisted i needed to have a wedding. We originally felt we should elope because north jersey weddings are insanely expensive.

Finally, I find a venue. Its stunning, we can afford it, and our lead contact person is on our page. I ordered save the date magnets for the family and bridal party. Some how in our group chat, it comes up and i spill the date.

Then I get the text from her. “I’m not coming to your wedding my sister is getting married the same day”. My brother was also in this chat and said nothing until the next day. She never said anything about her sister getting married. She didn’t apologize. After my brother got back to me with a “i had to talk to her about it first” as his reason why he didn’t answer me. I told him it wasn’t right and they both would have been livid if I did that to them. Then I got some Disingenuous apology about how she wasn’t going to tell me days I couldn’t get married. (Instead she was going to not go, not let my niece go and my brother wouldn’t go).

Going back to The aside, My mother didn’t defend me. She said, “it’s a dilemma”

Im really upset with my brother and my mother. I’ve always been good to them and always gone out of my way to help them out. I told them both I reached out to cancel the wedding. I told my mother that i won’t be rescheduling and if she doesn’t see me get married, it’s on him and her. My brother tried to say it’s your day do what you want and my sil gave me all the months they have weddings in 2020. Which felt like, all the other weddings were more important.

I’m just offering this out for anyone else who might have been hurt. I cried for three days about this.

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6 Comments

Latest activity by Tara, on October 17, 2019 at 1:11 PM

Master December 2019
Cher Horowitz · on October 15, 2019 at 10:00 AM
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I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this! I would honestly just scrap the formal wedding altogether for the sake of your sanity. Do the elopement you and FH originally wanted
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VIP August 2021
Jennifer · on October 15, 2019 at 11:30 AM
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I'm so sorry you're upset!
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WeddingWire Administrator January 2025
Sinéad · on October 17, 2019 at 8:46 AM
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Hi Crystal! I’m really sorry that you are having to deal with this. It mustn’t be easy.
What my best advice is for your situation would be to take some time to truly figure out what you want your wedding day to look like. If you decide that you want to have your wedding, in the venue that you have already booked, then you may have to come to terms with your brother perhaps not being in attendance. I know that this will not be easy to do.
If, after you have thought about your options, you decide that you and your FS would prefer to go back to your original idea of eloping, you would be able to plan a celebration with your family upon your return and have the opportunity to celebrate with your brother.
I’m so sorry that you are upset during a time that should be fun and exciting. I hope you find this community to be helpful!
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Super November 2021
Alejandra · on October 17, 2019 at 9:32 AM
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I’m so sorry ❤️ That’s so incredibly hurtful and frustrating. I guess what I’m not understanding is why your brother can’t go to your wedding and your SIL go to her sister’s wedding. It’s not ideal by any means, for them or for the couples, but it’s a comprise especially since they didn’t tell you they already had a wedding that day.
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Devoted October 2020
Crystal · on October 17, 2019 at 10:04 AM
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I made this post mostly for anyone who also felt the same hurt.

The way they both reacted, I don't want them there. She won't want to let my niece attend the wedding and my brother would complain the whole time that the family wasn't there. Since I've known her she's been very dismissive of my family. She didn't invite us to her bridal shower, (but insisted we knew where she was registered) and didn't want my mother to dance with my brother (but she danced with her father).

I'm angry with my mother because she pushed for this wedding because "family is important", and when this happened she let them walk all over me. My new life with my future husband, I'm not tolerating this energy anymore.

Had she said something beforehand and we took that date because that was what was best for us, I'd be happy to compromise. Had she led with an apology, I would have been welcoming to compromise.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Also glad to see you're a November 2020 wedding buddy too!
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VIP November 2016
Tara · on October 17, 2019 at 1:11 PM
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I'm so sorry to hear you're dealing with this It's things like this that make elopement sound amazing!! Bottom line is, it's a big deal! It's a big day!! And your immediate family, at the very least, should want to be there to support you. It super sucks that your SIL's sister is getting married on the same day. But in my opinion, it doesn't mean your brother shouldn't be there. If i were in that position, I'd go to my sister's wedding and have my husband go to his sister's. Unless there was a way to work out where I could make an appearance at both, you go where you family is. IT should be that simple. I can totally understand why you would be so upset, you have every right to be. And it's quite unfortunate your mom isn't defending you. But remember, it's your day and it's about the start of your life as husband and wife. Don't let anyone or any drama take that away!! Do what you really want and everyone else can deal with it. Those that really care about you will be there, no matter what. I personally wouldn't miss my sibling's wedding for anything!!
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