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Rhiamae
Devoted February 2021

Did you give your bridesmaids and groomsmen specific jobs?

Rhiamae, on September 23, 2020 at 4:08 PM Posted in Community Conversations 0 26
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I understand quite well that the MOH and Best Man have duties and jobs they have to carry, but my fiancee and I made the decision that we were not going to have any sort of "Best Man" or "Maid of Honor" when it came to wedding planning as we felt it could cause unnecessary drama.

Instead, what my fiancee and I decided to do was have each bridesmaid and groomsman do some sort of job. For example, we put one groomsman to be in charge of collecting cards and gifts after the wedding, and dropping the off at our apartment. As such we even had one specific bridesmaid and groomsman that we felt we were close enough to, to do the typical MOH and Best Man speeches.


Quite a while ago, I remember hearing from my bridesmaid, that her mom and her sisters were talking about how "weird" and "terrible" it was for me to assign bridesmaids and groomsmen jobs for the wedding. When for their weddings, the only thing they had their bridal party do was wear the proper attire.


I can understand where they're coming from, but for me, being a bridesmaid and groomsmen is an honor, and therefore, I don't think I should be labeled as being "terrible" just because I relegated some tasks for each of them to do.

26 Comments

Latest activity by Cherie, on September 27, 2020 at 2:35 AM
  • Hannah
    Rockstar July 2019
    Hannah ·
    • Flag
    I didn't relegate tasks. Their only job was to show up. My MOH and his Best Man gave toasts. They helped out with some things on the day. Like, one groomsman did grab the card box and bring it to me at the end of the night when we were packing up. And my MOH went and dealt with an issue that cropped up while we were getting ready, but it was more of a "no, you stay here, I got this" insistence on her part lol.
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  • Nicole
    Rockstar September 2020
    Nicole ·
    • Flag
    You nailed it on the head when you said they are positions of honor. That means those individuals should not be treated as employees with “jobs” assigned to them. Jobs should be given to people you are paying (coordinator, etc) so your loved ones can focus on celebrating with you. What’s done is done, but they have every right to be annoyed that they were given tasks to do instead of just enjoying themselves.
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  • Rhiamae
    Devoted February 2021
    Rhiamae ·
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    You make it sound as if I'm assigning them actual jobs like working as the bartender and stuff like that. I think their pretty simple for the most part, and I made sure to not assign jobs to them that would impede on their enjoyment for the reception. I also made sure that they chose the jobs they wanted to do, and not something they didn't want to do.


    If you are just having your bridal party just be present that's great, but I don't think I'm the worse for assigning jobs, and if they want to complain, that's fine too, and they definitely have the right to.
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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag
    You’re right, it is an honor. What it isn’t (or shouldn’t be,) is a job.
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  • Sharon
    Expert September 2021
    Sharon ·
    • Flag
    I don't think you're weird or terrible for asking them to handle small tasks to make your day less stressful. That's part of the reason why you have a bridal party. You're not asking them to work the wedding. They can handle get the cards to you, no sweat, while still enjoying your wedding. My bridesmaids are constantly offering their help because they love and support me and want to make my day as enjoyable as possible. And I would gladly do the same for them.
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  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
    • Flag

    But the fact that you've heard they are complaining suggests they don't think what you've asked is appropriate. You absolutely can choose to ignore their concerns, but their complaints suggest they don't support what you've done. It's one thing if people offer to help. That's cool, and provides an invitation for you to ask if they'd mind doing whatever task you need help with. Some potential "jobs" could potentially create a disruption for the person. A fair number of daughter & SIL's friends brought physical gifts to the wedding. The day of coordinator made sure everything was moved to the lobby, but, honestly, FOB had a heck of a time fitting them all into our SUV (we also had wedding decor, etc.). If that "job" had been assigned to someone with a smaller car or who had other plans for after the wedding, it might have been an imposition. But, if you're okay with your wedding party complaining about you, cool.... Another option would be to interpret those complaints as a suggestion that you should figure out another way to get those tasks done rather than expecting your friends to do them.

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  • Rhiamae
    Devoted February 2021
    Rhiamae ·
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    But for me, it's not only an honor, it's a position of trust and closeness. Meaning I trust my bridesmaid and groomsmen to perfom the simple task their assigned. Again, simple, like collecting cards and gifts. I'm not having them bus tables, or serve beer and wine. If they didn't want to do anything, and just enjoy the festivities, they could just be a guest. Maybe thats harsh of me, maybe I'm terrible, but I don't thnk its wrong to have them do simple tasks.
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  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
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    But, based on your post it sounds like THEY have already told you they don't necessarily want to do these jobs you've assigned/think it was inappropriate that you've asked. So you don't "think you are wrong," but it sounds like they've already told you they do. Clearly, you can do what you want, but this doesn't sound like a hypothetical discussion with people on the internet who don't know you and your friends. It sounds like your friends have already told you what they think. You can choose not to listen to them, but that doesn't mean they still don't feel how they feel.

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  • Ashley
    Beginner March 2021
    Ashley ·
    • Flag
    Do what works for you. I did the same. I explained my reasoning to my bridal party and they all understood and are more than happy to help. Not everyone looks at your wedding as a “chore”. Lol
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  • Kimberly
    Super March 2021
    Kimberly ·
    • Flag
    Actually no, no one in your wedding party has jobs they have to do. It IS an honor that you are bestowing on them as your nearest and dearest but they should not be expected to “pay” for that honor which is what you are basically saying. Being a bridesmaid/groomsman and a MOH/BM is not a job at all and should not be treated as such.
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  • Kimberly
    Super March 2021
    Kimberly ·
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    The example you are giving of “collecting the cards and gifts” isn’t as simple as grabbing them off the table. You also said the person is to take them to your apartment. That’s a big job and yes you are asking your wedding party to work for the honor to be in your wedding.
    • Reply
  • M
    Expert October 2022
    Michele ·
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    I completely agree with this.
    • Reply
  • M
    Dedicated May 2021
    Maybride ·
    • Flag
    I think it’s fine. They are there to support you and get you through the day. They won’t be doing it out of ‘duty’ but as a close friend of yours to help you out and ease the burden on yourself. If picking up a few decorations at the end of the night is all too much then I’d be questioning who these people really are!
    Also not everyone is fortunate enough to have coordinators to do these things. We are planning on asking a friend to monitor the music (spotlight playlists) throughout the night because we know we will get caught up chatting etc. no big deal 🤷‍♀️
    • Reply
  • Rhiamae
    Devoted February 2021
    Rhiamae ·
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    It is true that I do what I want, and I kinda just take things as I go. However, I'll be frank, I can't please everyone when it comes to wedding planning, and I'll be honest, I don't have the money to hire a coordinator that I can relegate some of these tasks to.

    It was only one friend that expressed that complaint to me, and I made it a point to tell her that if she didn't want to do her job, than she had the choice of working on something she didn't mind doing, and wouldn't trouble her too much.

    I always try my best to be considerate towards my bridal party, and I already talked with them one on one, making several phone calls, asking them if they are okay with the job their assigned.

    Perhaps it's rude of me for having expectations of them, I get it, but it's kinda just how I operate.

    • Reply
  • Neeva
    Rockstar September 2020
    Neeva ·
    • Flag
    Everyone is different and I've been a bridesmaid 7 times- some weddings where I was asked to help our a lot and others where I was not. Of course, I offered to help all my friends when I was a bridesmaid and was more than happy to help. But I was much happier being a bridesmaid without being asked to do any big tasks. It's one thing to help your friend get dressed or attend parties or go get some coffee or gather the rest of the bridesmaids for pictures - it's another to be asked to make centerpieces or do the job of a wedding coordinator such as collect gifts or hand out programs or guard the guest book. These were tasks that were stressful to me as a bridesmaid. I think it's always best to hire a professional to do stressful jobs and allow your closest friends to enjoy spending time with you on your wedding day.
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  • Erin
    Devoted May 2021
    Erin ·
    • Flag
    Wow must be nice to have money 🤪 (all u nay sayers) ... in my group of friends the bridal party HAS ALWAYS helped with cards/gifts and such ... i was a guest at one wedding with another guy friend (also just a guest) who had a crush on one of the bridesmaids... we ended up helping the brides family tear down and put away stuff at their church and (get it ready for church the next day) and load the bride and grooms car with stuff they needed yet , just so my friend could chat with this bridesmaid (who is now his wife 2 years later! ) we enjoyed helping the bridal party do that!!! Often times i offer my help when i can !! Its not a burden and my friends leave to go on their honeymoon right away and either ask the bridal party or family (very trusted close friends) to take gifts/cards back to the place they are living at... or who do you people THINK should be responsible for moving cards and gifts back to the couple’s place, if they leave for honeymoon right away?! The parents?? Them?! (Bride and groom leave tjem have to come Back for stuff before leaving for honeymoon?!! The family??! CERTAINLY NOT THE COORDINATOR ?!
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Super April 2021
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    I’m agree with assigning duties if help was offered. I have a small tribe (total of 3). My step sister is going to make fresh strawberry lemonade & I asked his mom if she can collect the leftovers (caterer will put them in containers). I’ve asked for help but I don’t consider it as a job. I think that’s where you’re coming from. You’re asking for specific help on specific things from people that you trust.
    • Reply
  • C
    Expert December 2021
    Casey ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    tenor.gif

    Agreed, it's an honor, not an employment.
    • Reply
  • Karla
    Super February 2020
    Karla ·
    • Flag
    Nope. I chose my bridesmaids based on who I wanted next to me on my big day. The people that have loved and supported me throughout my life. I did NOT choose them based on how/if they could help me with my wedding.


    In the past, when I was a bridesmaid, I helped with wedding tasks because I offered and wanted to ease the stress off the bride. However, I was never delegated tasks/job duties or expected to do so. It’s already pretty pricey to be a bridesmaids when you factor in dress, hair, makeup, hotel, gift, bachelorette, bridal shower, etc. To expect them to throw in free labor as well is... pretty entitled.
    Your bridesmaids are your friends not your employees. And to PP who mentioned that it “must be nice to have money” to the “naysayers”— it’s not about money. It’s about being considerate and not feeling entitled to have your friends at your beck and call just because it’s an “honor” to be in your wedding. 🙄
    • Reply
  • B
    Expert July 2017
    Becky ·
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    This exactly. I'd further like to add that even if you had a MOH and BM, they most assuredly do not have "duties and jobs they have to carry." They're supposed to be the people you want closest to you.

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