I don't know how many people who are already married are on here...but I'm trying to decide if I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill on something that I'm...potentially considering telling my parents that we love them but if they're going to insist on this, if it's going to cause them to be bitter and disappointed to be contributing so much to something and then not get what they want and it cause a future problem, that thank you for offering to pay for the wedding, but we didn't know there were strings and we are going to pay for our wedding ourselves.
Here is the real issue:
I feel like I hear over and over again from people; "we should have just eloped," "we were so busy we didn't get to eat," "there were so many people we didn't even get to say hi to," "it was over in a flash," "I barely got to talk to my spouse at all," "I got to dance our first dance and that was it,"
And at the center of all this what I'm hearing is, "our wedding day turned out to be a busy...small talk, "thank you for coming" affair where we didn't actually get to celebrate with each other and the people we really cared about...basically, we networked."
So, basically, we want a small wedding. In a lot of ways it is never going to be able to be truly small (short of a destination elopishment with our best friends and immediate families) but it can still be intimate with only the people we are truly close to. However, it isn't, it has those people, plus his extended family and my huge extended family (even of just first cousins/aunts/uncles/grandparents it's some peoples entire wedding number), our friends who aren't as close but who we still interact with on a regular basis because if we have a bunch of family we aren't close to we would like more of our people there. So, tack on to that...my parents want to invite 45 of their "closest" friends. And....gosh I have been in circles with them about that is so many times, circles that include things like, "but you don't know what you mean to them, they want to congratulate you on your big day and tell you you look beautiful," and I'm like, "that matters zero to me if people I don't have a relationship with get to be there when it takes out of my time with my new husband, my parents, getting to enjoy my wedding with the people that I actively have relationships with," and things like, "this day isn't just about you." and...gosh I digress. Sorry. The point is, I am happy for my parents to have their best friends, their closest friends there to celebrate with them. Regardless of the money they are contributing they raised me...they love me...I want them to be happy, but 45 people is NOT their closest friends. And no matter how many ways I explain it I basically get a, "you're being selfish and emotional." response, one of which ended with an inference that I should elope because they were unwilling to shorten their list of people. And, I am definitely getting emotional about this at this point, but it doesn't change that I have stated OUR very valid concerns, not emotionally, and desires for our wedding regarding the growing guest list.
My fiance, heart melting right now, went to the other extreme of, "okay well, I want to spend time with you on our wedding day instead of spending a bunch of time with people we don't know either, we have a savings, if it comes down to that...we will pay for the wedding ourselves and the guest list will be our guest list." Which I was like, "woah, that's extreme, I don't want us to spend that amount of money because we can't get this straight with my parents, they're usually reasonable people and hopefully with a little cool off time we can figure this out and I will...setup people to interfere/rescue us if we get caught talking to someone and a line forms, but wow do I love you even more for LISTENING to me right now, and saying the perfect thing that is focused on us celebrating getting married not a focusing our wedding day on a bunch of people who we barely know."
But out of all of this the question, for the people who have already had their big day...how much should I make of this? Am I being ridiculous to think that a growing guest list means large amounts of time saying, "thanks for coming!" to people we don't actually want there? And not getting to spend time with each other and the people we do want there? Because a part of me would very much like to cut it down to a hundred people and pay for it myself. That sounds SO much better. But that's probably being entirely focused only on what I want and I...don't want that kind of relationship with my parents or in-laws. Like, I feel like there has got to be a way for us to all be reasonable about this, but I'm losing site of what that is. How much time did you spend at your wedding...not enjoying your wedding?
