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Dedicated July 2020

Devastated

Stacey, on June 7, 2020 at 10:03 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 8
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My older brother and I used to be really close. Then a few years ago, I started dating my fiance who was also my brother's best friend which at first he wasn't a huge fan of but he got over it. Everything was going well until my fiance and I mutually decided to take a break. We had just graduated college and neither of us knew what we wanted. During that time, my fiance got really hammered one night and hooked up with someone else. About two months later, we got back together. He was completely honest about what happened. While it definitely sucked to hear, we weren't together during that time. My brother views it as cheating though because my fiance and I were still talking and occasionally hanging out purely as friends during that time My brother has completely cut all communication with my fiance and I. We have however been around him a hand full of times at family functions. He doesn't talk to either one of us and pretends like we don't exist. My entire family of course knows the situation, but we don't really talk about it. I decided to invite him to our wedding hoping just maybe he would consider attending. He hasn't RSVP'd so I stopped by his house after dinner just to see if I could talk to him. He didn't answer the door even though lights were on and his car was parked in the driveway. About an hour later, he texted our mom that he doesn't need to reply or talk to me because he doesn't own me anything. I am so devastated. I've been ugly crying and everything. I can't imagine my wedding day without my brother there. I wish I could change how he feels, but I know I can't. My parents have been really good at not taking sides, but I know it hurts our entire family that we are divided. I guess I just really need to vent. Any words of wisdom?


8 Comments

Latest activity by Mrs.a, on June 8, 2020 at 8:07 AM
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag
    I’m sorry that happened. Sounds like there’s more to it? I mean... I understand how he could be mad about something like that but it sounds like by now he should be accepting of the fact you guys are at a good place in your relationship now and everything is water under the bridge.. it just feels like he’s butt hurt about something else or that he’s just plain dramatic. My advice is you can’t make him go and you can’t mend the relationship if he’s not willing, so you just have to live your life and if he wants to be a part of it then he will. Otherwise it sounds like you’ve tried and so it’s up to him then to budge too ya know.
    Hope everything works out for you
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  • Kimberly
    Expert October 2020
    Kimberly ·
    • Flag
    I agree with Melle. It sounds like something else is going on to cause him to have this behavior/mindset of cutting you off completely. Maybe your mom can get to the real bottom of it (if she is willing) since it sounds like he at least speaks to her?
    • Reply
  • K
    Savvy October 2020
    Karen ·
    • Flag

    You stated you and your brother were really close until you started dating his best friend, who is now your fiance. If they were best friends, he knows his secrets. He could be removing himself from the situation because he doesn't want to see his sister get hurt. Also, if you'll were close, he more than likely wants the best for you, and doesn't consider his former best friend the best. Just my humble opinion. All the best!

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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag
    I have an older brother and there was awhile he wasn't talking to me. I think it's because I did a make shift will and made him and my fh executors and maybe he was hurt by that. I still don't know but I tried to ask and one day I texted him how I felt and that I am sorry, then decided to back off. Eventually he came around and now we're good. I think they're always going to be our protectors and he's not busy buddy with my fh either. You have the right to love who you love and naturally men don't communicate feelings well. I would just back off and let him calm down and make the first move as hard as it is. I am so sorry.
    • Reply
  • Lindsey
    Savvy June 2020
    Lindsey ·
    • Flag
    I don't really have words of wisdom, but you're not alone.
    My younger sister (she's 23) has been ignoring me and my fiance for about 2 years now. She won't acknowledge we exist and she rolls her eyes and walks away when we try to talk to her. She's supposed to be in my line and she refused to come to my bridal shower. And when I told her that she hurt my feelings she told me she didn't have anything nice to say to me or my finace and that I could find someone else to be "obligated" to be in my line.
    I uninvited her. I want her there and I love her, but she's not going to make MY wedding day miserable with her bad attitude. I told my mom and she's hurt too, but she supports me and agrees with my decision. I ugly cried for a while, but I don't hate her and I wont hold it against her. She's going to be the one that regrets this choice. I'm going to go and have an amazing day.
    • Reply
  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
    • Flag

    You say your parents have been good about not taking sides, but they ARE playing middleman, and they need to stop.

    If your brother has a problem, he needs to make it clear to you. What happens to the relationship after that is entirely up in the air, but this part where he sticks your mom in the middle is completely inappropriate.

    I'm sorry. Families can be so toxic.

    • Reply
  • mrswinteriscoming
    Rockstar December 2021
    mrswinteriscoming ·
    • Flag
    I am so sorry to hear about your family drama OP - it sucks!
    As others have suggested, it sounds to me like there might be more at play here. Either that or your brother is being a complete ass because he doesn’t like your choices.
    You have made choices in your life that have brought you to where you are today. He may disagree with your decision to get back together with your fiancée but it is not his life or his relationship and if that is the sole reason for his disgusting behavior then he needs to work on himself as he cannot hold some grudge against you because YOU made a choice in YOUR life, one which doesn’t really affect him at all. But, as I and others have mentioned, there could in fact be more at play here. However it’ll be hard to get to the root of it without speaking to him. To be honest, I would actually get your parents involved (to some degree) to help work things out. When my sister and I have gone through heavy things in our relationship, my mum has been instrumental in helping (whichever one of us needs to) see the light. If anything, if your parents haven’t held your brother accountable for his behavior, at least without justification, I for one would be frustrated that they just let him go about his way. My 2 cents anyway.
    • Reply
  • Mrs.a
    Master October 2021
    Mrs.a ·
    • Flag
    $|!# happens and I’m glad you and your FH have been able to move past it in an open and honest way. I’m so sorry about your brother but it sounds like this is out of your control as you’ve extended the olive branch as much as you could. I would make peace with the situation as best as you can to get to a better place and accept that he may most likely not show up to your wedding.
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