Destination Weedding questions

I'm not having a DW and I didn't even have an engagement announcement, an engagement party, or STDs. None of that is necessary (STDs will be for you because you're having a DW, but you wouldn't send them to anyone that wasn't invited to the wedding anyway, so you're not "missing out")

Having a DW is a tradeoff, but I really don't think it's anything to be sad over

I have a destination wedding in Mexico. We are not having an engagement party. We are not having a bridal party so we are not having bachelor and bachelorette parties. I do not want a bridal shower. We are sending out STDs and invitations. However, we are having four awesome days in Mexico with are closest friends and family members. That's what means the most to me.

I think your issue is not that your have a destination wedding but the fact you are having a small wedding.

Txncdelphia getting married in Mexico is difficult. Have you done all the research? My daughter wanted to get married in Mexico but when she found out she had to have blood drawn there that killed that. OP, you shouldn't be sad, you are spending the day with your nearest and dearest and having an intimate wedding. You don't need all that other stuff.

Generally, the guideline is that you only invite guests to the shower from those also invited to the wedding.

There is however, no breach of etiquette if a group of women, knowing they are not invited to the wedding, decide to host a shower in your honor. It is even more important than normal for the bride in this case, to completely detach herself from any planning.

As an alternative, you can host a bridal brunch, luncheon , tea or even a cocktail party to socialize with the women in your life. These are not gift giving events.

Don't be sad about all the extra stuff! None of that is needed. If people want to do something, you can always have a dinner with some friends to celebrate. Have a girls night out, it's not the end of the world!

@txnc - date twin!! We're getting married in Mexico as well!!

@devastatedMOB- sad name ... most couples know that getting married out of country is difficult; that's why you get legally married prior to the DW. You have a symbolic ceremony, not a legal one. But must be married beforehand

Thank you all for your comments. We are getting legally married here in MD and having a symbolic ceremony in Mexico. Most of you are correct in saying that it is a trade off but I'd hate to keep being rude and turning downthe offers of the shower or engagement party because I can't invite anyone not coming to the wedding. I think it is far more rude to keep turning someone down than it would be to have the event and let the host explain that only immediate family is attending the wedding and this is their way of including everyone.

I have no issue with the small wedding in fact I'd want the large wedding here to included everyone but I also have a fiance to consider. He finds it more meaningful to have just the immediate family present but feels it is rude to come back and have a reception because it will look like all we want are gifts. I thought the "pre-celebration" would be easier as there isnt an expectation of gift.

LaMia and Amber I hope you are telling all your guests that they are not attending a real wedding, that it is a celebration of marriage. LaMia you are not being rude by turning down showers, you are actually being very proper, so kudos to you. Just tell people that you are appreciative, but no thank you.

Sometimes people have a DW followed by a large, casual home reception to celebrate with family and friends. It's fairly common and I don't think it's weird or gift grabby. Since it's not part of the actual wedding, most people understand that you just want to celebrate and won't feel obligated to bring gifts.

A shower on the other hand is completely centered around gift giving.

Hi LaMia, it would be great if you could set an avatar photo. You’ll get more replies on your threads and it’ll help the community recognize you when you post. This can be done from the desktop version of the site by going to “My Settings”, or you can email a picture to community@weddingwire.com and someone will set it for you.

I knew that my guest list would be very small compared to if I had a local wedding and reception. I love my DW idea still. I really didn't need all of those things in order to get married. We didn't have a Bach party. We had a small shower thrown by FHs mom. ( It's my 2nd wedding and his first. I chose not to decline the shower from them as it's their last kid to get married). I did save the dates for our small list. I saw no need for engagement announcements or a party. Obviously I wasnt throwing my own. We got engaged right before FSILs wedding so we got to see FHs side right after and we were on vacation with my family when he proposed. It was plenty for us.

You just need to balance what you want with your musts and don't regret not doing something.

Again thank you all. Some however have chosen to be aggressive in there response and super judgmental. I could be wrong in my interpretation but none the less appreciate those who have taken the time to comment without judgement and aggression.

@devistatedMOB- I am not sure why it is that I need to inform anyone of my intention to legally wed in the states. It's just semantics because regardless of the legality of me wedding in Mexico we are still having a wedding with an officiant, vow and all. The only reason we are doing it this way is because of all the "red tape" involved in a legal ceremony in mexico.

@Alyssachu- I am owning my decision to have a destination wedding but feel bad that we have people offering these things that etiquette dictates to be rude to do.

LaMia you need to tell your guests because many people will be VERY mad that they are spending money to attend and not even witnessing a legal marriage. It is not appropriate to lie to your nearest and dearest and you will hurt and piss people off. My daughter got married in secret and we found out via FB and a public records search that she lied to us. She lied because we were paying for the wedding and she wanted the party. We pulled our funding for the event which in turn made her have no choice but to cancel the wedding. Do the right thing and don't lie to people.

Also, you turning down events is not being rude, it is being proper. When you have a DW you do have to give up certain things.

MrsWrs I was telling her why it is necessary to inform people of what the event truly is. If OP doesn't tell people she is legally married than she is doing what my daughter did which is lying to people, which is not appropriate. There is nothing wrong with legally getting married before the celebration of marriage as long as people know.

Thank you Kristin. I think devistatedMOB name says it all. I understand that her daughter flat out lied to her to get the money for the party, ehich obviously says a lot about the both of them. What you said is correct these are 2 completely different situations. I am not going out of my way to not tell anyone nor am I to tell them. Also my immediate family and friends wouldn't care either way as long as we are happy and celebrated. People put too much emphasis on the semantics of "wedding" whether you have a complete ceremony and reception or got to the courthouse then have a party. No one really cares except those people who feel left out because they've put themselves on a higher pesdestal in you life. The truth is people are only obligated to know what you want them to as it pertains to your life.

And I'd also like to point out because I hadn't previously, we are paying for everything associated with this event except the flights for our guest. That mean lodging, meals, excursions, etc all paid for and anyone that feels slighted because we took care of our own legal business without their knowledge should stay home.

I agree with devestatedmob. You need to let people know you will be married prior. I would be pissed if I went to a dw and found out afterwards that they eloped before the one I witnessed. That being said if you want to have a celebration of your marriage with all your friends when you get back you could do that (basically a reception)

We are having a small destination wedding in the mountains. Just our parents, maid of honor, and best man. The following weekend, we are having a reception near our home.

I don't think it's gift-grabby to have a reception. We are doing it that way so we can have everyone there to celebrate, but still be able to have a romantic, small wedding that we really want.

What devastatedMOB went through was insanity but it's not something new to this forum. We tell newly engaged couples all of the time not to hide the actual logistics of the nature of the wedding, sometimes for reasons like devastatedMOB went through. She's not acting like a scorned woman by telling you why it can be an issue or be hurtful. She's giving you the other side of what the story could be.

I'm having a DW and just obtained my marriage license. It will be exactly what I'm telling my guests. A wedding at that time and a reception to follow.

You don't plan/ throw your own bridal shower or bachelorette party. So those are out of your hands even if you Where having a huge traditional wedding. I had a DW in Mexico . I had a surprise bridal shower and bachelorette party cuz I am a low key person . No engagement party cuz in my opinion that's over doing it.

You don't have to give up events for a DW you just get what you get.

I had a civil ceremony in NY prior to having a symbolic wedding in Mexico. I tried to include people in the civil ceremony who couldn't travel to Mexico . I also didn't announce to everyone that I got legally married before . But if it came up in conversation I would mention that in order to legally get married In Mexico I would have to get blood work and pay extra to have documents translated and transferred to the US...

People should be at your wedding to celebrate you and if people have a fit for not witnessing a "legal marriage" then that's their issue.

Try not to be sad about missing the extra stuff. The wedding is the most important part.

As far as telling people that you will be legally married before going to the DW, I do agree that it's best not to lie about it. You don't have to go out of your way or make a big announcement about it, but if it comes up in conversation, be honest. We just had a symbolic ceremony in Mexico. It came up several times while planning with friends and family that we will legally get married when we return to the US. No one seemed to care. They all shared our feeling that the vows and the ceremony are the important part to us and they day of our DW will be our anniversary every year.

Thank you all again for your input. I actually have a question as to how the legality of the DW comes up in a conversation? If my friend invited me to the wedding I would never ask, will it be legal or how does that work. I simply would be excited to go. Now if I was asked to help with the planning process I could see how it would come up because I wold need to know the type of packaging to look into for budget reasons.