"Destination" wedding rehearsal dinner etiquette

No. Tell her bp and so's only. It would be rude to invite others and not pay.

That would be like a second wedding with all those people. Bridal party and so's is enough

If you have a rehearsal, you need to invite the wedding party, their SO's, your siblings and SO's , parents and grandparents, if attending.

If you don't need a rehearsal, and precious few weddings do, you don't have to have a rehearsal dinner.

If she is hosting, she gets to determine the guest list. If she wants to invite all the OOT's, that is her choice. Inviting OOT's to have dinner at the same restaurant on their dime, is rude. It would also be a logistical nightmare.

As a compromise, you could suggest that those not directly involved in the RD, be invited to join you for dessert and coffee later in the evening.

Tell her that inviting all of those people would be sooo much money. The rehearsal dinner is supposed to be a thank you to the BP and their SO so try to keep that for just the BP and their SO. If you want to hang out with those OOT guests ask them to meet up for drinks later or lunch during the day.

When you say "immediate family," are you including relatives who aren't truly immediate family? Immediate family consists of parents, siblings, and grandparents. True immediate family should be included in the RD, anyway, along with their SOs. Any aunts, uncles, and cousins that may have accidentally gotten included in that "immediate family" figure are actually extended family. They do not need to be invited to the RD. If, however, your FMIL actually wants to include these relatives and is comfortable paying for a larger dinner, then that's her choice as the host of the event. You can mention that you are fine with just the WP and immediate family (parents, siblings, and grandparents) or say that you and FH were looking forward to a smaller gathering with just those people, but if she's insistent that she wants to include more relatives, suggesting she invite them and not pay for their dinner is not an okay solution.

Thank you ladies so much! This has been a topic of consideration for so long! Sometimes you're just too close to the situation to see it clearly!

We included the two couples who stayed in town the night before the wedding in our rehearsal dinner. But if it's a really large number that would end up being a second wedding, I would just do bridal party and parents

No. A rehearsal dinner is just that; a short, sweet, casual dinner to thank your BP. It should, of course, include your parents and siblings, but that's it.

Do you want two weddings???

Besides the time and the stress, it really does seem like grandstanding and it takes away from the actual wedding.

We also struggled with this, so we are doing a welcome reception instead and inviting everyone. We're doing it at 8:30pm after the RD. We haven't book everything yet, but we're theming it "things that pop", serving champagne, popcorn, cake pops, and gourmet popsicles. The hotel room rental was pretty reasonable and we're estimating under 10pp on costs.

I told her it sounds like she's trying to plan another wedding.. wanting to rent a vineyard barn and get a caterer... and that's the last thing I want! I think we'll just do drinks and desserts back at the hotel after the RD!