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Beginner January 2016

Destination wedding or not: dealing with pushy parents

tori, on September 22, 2019 at 3:09 AM Posted in Planning 0 8

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So, my fiancé and I never really wanted to have a wedding. Our dream was to go to Europe, and elope. However, his parents are insisting they witness our nuptials. So, to compromise, we agreed to have a small wedding in Tuscany. They were not thrilled with the idea at first, however, we didn’t care. But now, after trying to come up with a guest list of 60 or under, I am apprehensive to move forward. His mother added 12 people to our list of 64... the established rule I set with our families was 20 on my side, 20 on his, and 20 friends. I went over somewhat on the friends list, but she expects 32 people on her side. After many discussions, I believe we resolved the issue, but it meant cutting back people we wanted to be there... now I’m questioning about cancelling the plans and forfeiting my 4000 dollar deposit, to do a smaller wedding in Chicago. But I am afraid they will expect my guest count to increase, which I do not want. Thoughts?

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8 Comments

Latest activity by Pirate & 60s Bride, on September 22, 2019 at 11:51 AM

Beginner January 2016
tori · on September 22, 2019 at 3:11 AM
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I also told his parents we wanted to have an inexpensive wedding due to my enormous student debt. Hence, why we wanted to elope...
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VIP May 2020
Destiny · on September 22, 2019 at 3:12 AM
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Fh needs to be talking to his mom about this stuff 4000 is ALOT to loose out on. i wouldnt budge on the 20x3 rule that is more than fair. with all these requests are they even pitching in?
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Beginner January 2016
tori · on September 22, 2019 at 3:17 AM
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They say they will contribute to something, but we have to have a sit down discussion about it like it’s a formal meeting. I don’t expect to make even with this plan, however, if I were to cancel and do a smaller wedding in Chicago, I could make even and possibly get the 4K back. I’m just afraid they will want to invite everyone...
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Super February 2020
Jeanie · on September 22, 2019 at 5:41 AM
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Sometimes the numbers won’t divide up evenly as you have it (20/20/20) and one of those lists will need to compromise to fit the needs of another. However you shouldn’t have to kick your friends off the guest list for family you clearly didn’t care much to invite in the first place. If she wants to invite those extra guests, she’s going to have to pay for them. Otherwise just tell her no.
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Master May 2019
Cyndy · on September 22, 2019 at 7:38 AM
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I think before you do anything you need to sit down with your FH and his mom and talk. If you change your plan and then she still think she can invite more people you still have a problem. Sounds like some boundaries need to be set and she needs to respect what the two of you want for your big day. Good luck!
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January 2019
MOB So Cal · on September 22, 2019 at 9:38 AM
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To me, "parents witnessing your nuptials" isn't the same as 60+ people traveling to Tuscany for a wedding. Do you actually expect that many people to make the trip? Who is paying? If you and FH are covering the cost of the wedding, I think it's waaaay past time to put your feet down. And, since it's his mom, I would have him tell her right now that she has 20 invitations and that is ALL. Even if they are contributing, if this isn't the wedding you want, you have no one to blame that on except yourselves. If you're getting married, I'm assuming you are adults. Have the wedding you want and make it clear you won't be bullied. If contributions come with strings and expectations, politely decline them and pay for everything yourselves. (As is often suggested here, this sounds like an issue for FH to take care of. His family, his responsibility to rein them in/shut them down.) Good luck!
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on September 22, 2019 at 11:51 AM
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All of this.

Honestly, if I didn’t want a wedding & parents were being pushy, I’d get married at the local courthouse with immediate family only followed by a nice brunch. Then hubby & I would leave for our dream elopement/honeymoon and enjoy that vow renewal... just the two of us!
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on September 22, 2019 at 11:51 AM
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All of this. So much.
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