Destination wedding dream doomed? Groom's mom afraid to fly!

He didn't know she was afraid of flying before thinking of a DW? That seems like a huge fear that would be known by the family.

I think if it was really important for her to be there, she'd accept the ferry or cruise. But you should definitely have a discussion with your FH before you start planning. You don't want him to be disappointed that his own mother can't be there just because you have a destination in mind. You can have a beach wedding within driving distance if you really must compromise. And that doesn't mean it would have to be a traditional wedding, you can still keep it small like the DW would be.

Or on the other hand, you can do the courthouse wedding and honeymoon in the Bahamas.

I second @SoontoBeMrsP with the courthouse ceremony/Bahamas honeymoon!

@SoontoBeMrsP he did know about her fear but really hoped she's make an exception for her son getting married (none of his siblings are married).

Okay, fair enough. I just think that's tricky though.

I'm the first to get married in my family as well, and my grandfather won't be there because he can't travel anymore. Devastating, but I at least was aware and didn't get my hopes up about it, planned it without him and still invited him just in case. My sister on the other hand will be in your shoes when he can't make it to hers. But you can't go in expecting too much when it comes to things like that, unfortunately.

I'm having a DW but I wouldn't be if even one of my VIPs said they couldn't make it. Priorities.

If he knew she was scared of flying, then he shouldn't have expected her to fly. Simple as that really. Fears like that aren't things people can just turn on and off. Can you go through with your DW? Sure. Should you? I wouldn't, but that's a personal decision. Frankly, I can't see getting married without my parents. The Caribbean will always be there to honeymoon/vacation at, but your wedding day is only one day and IMO, doing it without my parents wouldn't be an option.

I personally would do a simple wedding or go to the courthouse and then have a really nice honeymoon in the Bahamas. I would want my family there for my wedding.

Wedding at home and a honeymoon. But I would never, ever get married without my mom, and I would not just "expect her to figure it out and be there." That's extremely rude.

I think in this situation I would probably continue with the destination wedding plans. It's not just about her fear of flying. If it was, the offer to pay for her to get there by another method would have solved the problem. I'd continue planning and keep that offer open, so if she wants to be there, she can be.

A genuine fear of flying shouldn't be taken lightly IMO. I vote for beach ceremony stateside and honeymoon in the Bahamas.

"I'm in the exact same situation. FH told his mom if she wants to see him get married, she'll need to figure it out and be there. It seems heartless but at the end of the day the only people we care about being there is each other. It's different if you cannot fly because if a medical reason, but because of fear? Nah. Fear doesn't run my our life."

Yikes. Sounds pretty callous if you ask me.

I don't want to start off on the wrong foot with my in laws....I feel like they would always hold this against me if we went ahead with a DW. What particularly irks me however is that she refused our offer to get her there by other means (cruise,train/ferry). It seems selfish of her not to accommodate her son's wishes! I feel like we are going to end up having a traditional wedding bc I still want family/friends to be a part of it.

I think you were fair in offering her different solutions, but I wouldn't feel right if my FH's mom couldn't be there.

It's your wedding day if you want destination wedding go for it. My destination wedding is in CO. My parents are on board since they've never been there plus FH has more family around. I would talk to your mom a little more. Once she sees that you are very serious during the planning process she'll change her mind.

I mean, some people don't like to travel. FH and I hate it.

If it's important for you to start on the right foot with your inlaws, don't be selfish about something so silly.

@Nikki yeah we offered to pay for their entire trip....transportation, hotel, food...everything! That is why it seems incredibly selfish that she won't come. Her other son lives in Miami and her and her husband have driven down to visit him before. It would just be a couple hour ferry ride over from there!!!

Ask her if she'd talk to a therapist. I do cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and can cure people of most phobias in one session. If she is employed, her company may offer an Employee Assistance Plan, which is usually 3-5 sessions with a licensed therapist. For her son's wedding, she might be willing to do it. And, if she's not, you know there's something else going on.

"I do cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and can cure people of most phobias in one session"

All right, @Zoe, I think highly of a lot of your posts, but this doesn't make any sense. CBT, by definition, a short-term approach to problems such as anxiety and phobias. But how do you "cure" them in one session? Do you make them feel better about it? Sure. But cure? As someone highly trained in mental health, I'm skeptical. That said, if she is open to therapy, I agree that CBT would be perfect for her. I just think it'll take more than one or two sessions.

Also, I disagree that she "needs" to step out of her comfort zone. She doesn't like to travel. The world won't come to an end if she doesn't get over that. The OP doesn't have to change her wedding plans (though I would); her FMIL just has to accept that if she's scared to fly, she won't attend. She's allowed to have phobias. Hell, I detest spiders. There's no reason in the world for me to like them, so I'll go on hating spiders forever. I also hate boats and ships and again, there's no reason I need to enjoy them. They're just not my thing. If FMIL doesn't like traveling besides with car, I'd just let her be after asking if she'd consider therapy. There are some people who just don't feel safe unless they're in their own car that they can control (there are also a lot of people who fear travel due to motion sickness, so keep this in mind, because there are treatments for that).

I would definitely need my mom at my wedding... If it were anywhere else Id have to rethink the whole thing, but the Bahamas is so close to Florida I'd be kinda pissed my mom poopoo'd the boat or cruise idea, especcially when Im paying. There is a point where fear passes into stubborn passive aggressive control.

I am in a similar situation. What did you end up deciding? Did you continue with your DW plans?