Destination wedding 8000 miles away, I'm likely not going and now my best friend is upset.

Don't let an unempathetic groomzilla get you down. Lots of people can't make destination weddings for lots of reasons. The risk of having a destination wedding is more declines.


If my best friend were getting married at the top of a steep, rural mountain, I'd tell her I can't make it. I'm scared of going down steep inclines (unless they're paved.) I shouldn't be, but I am. Do I feel guilty? No!! Neither should you.
If you lose a friendship over this, he wasn't much of a friend to begin with.

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Thank you, I'm starting to feel better, I've been reading more and more blogs about destination weddings, and how they are unfair on the guests when they can't make it. Just sucks cause he has been a friend for 17 years and his other friend won't be there. Actually none of his friends just a few family members will be there. I just know he is disappointed.

I didn’t go to my college best friends wedding when she had it. She had it in her hometown in Texas and I was living in California. I kindly declined the MOH position cause I just couldn’t spend any money so early in my career.


I’m a godmother to her daughter, and we talk every couple of weeks. Don’t worry, your friend will understand eventually. Life is difficult as it is, and ruining a friendship cause you are afraid of flying is outright ridiculous.

I wouldn't let the fear of flying stop you for standing up for and being a part of your best friends wedding. It is you BEST friend's wedding. There is nothing I wouldn't do for someone I identify as a best friend. I would be hugely offended if my best friend wouldn't come to my wedding for something like fear of flying. I would seriously reconsider my friendship.

Yes fears are real, but a doctor can give you a prescription for anxiety medication to help you with the flight.

My sister has lived in AU for 40+ years. It is an incredibly long flight (and depending on where you're leaving from and the city you're going to, it can get even worse). In addition, especially with just a few months notice, the cost can be prohibitive. This is a risk anyone takes when they plan a destination wedding -- just because it's what the couple wants does not mean it will work for their friends & family, and they need to graciously accept that. You have a right to decline, whether its a fear of flying (which you do not need to "just get over" or take medication for, to please someone else), cost, time, whatever. You've given him your answer, now I'd just move on. He can come to terms with it or not. (Also, if others are declining, hopefully, he'll come to see it's his responsibility to accept people not attending.) Good luck!

I can see why he is upset .. i think if you wouldn't have agreed to being best man it would've went a little differently. you have a valid reason for not wanting to go - i just think you should've handled the situation differently. you should've told him your fear upfront and asked for time to consider flying. now you've committed and backed out. That would hurt my feelings as well.

If he were a true friend he should be understanding. Those are reasonable and logical reasons to be unable to attend. I get that he's an important person in your life but that's a heck of a destination and a commitment.

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This is very unhelpful advice. There are plenty of valid reasons not to attend a destination wedding an 18-hour flight away without even getting to the (very common and nothing to be ashamed of or minimized) fear of flying. YOU are allowed to make entirely unreasonable requests the cost of friendship with you, but that's not actually normal friend behavior.

Jack, please know that your choice is valid, and just because your friend is upset doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong. Friendship is for the long haul, with much give and take on both sides. Not attending one event in many years of friendship should not be a make or break deal.

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I wouldn't fly for family, much less my BEST friend. If my best friend is my best friend, they won't want me to have an anxiety ridden nervous breakdown by asking me to fly not just somewhere, but somewhere over land and sea for 18 hours 1 way. I don't want anxiety medication, because if something were to happen, I would want to mentally sharp enough to handle it.

OP, if that reason isn't acceptable to your best friend, give him another. Expense, time off work, prior commitment... don't let him bully you into attending. I think your suggestion of a second ceremony is a good one.

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Exactly, everyone says take medication, but if anything goes wrong i want to be alert. He ignored my suggestion of a second smaller wedding. I even offered to pay $3k. I told my boss, who i’m friends with too, who flies a lot. he has been to over 100 countries. He said it’s not big deal, he is don’t be such a wimp. So what i did was take him to lunch to this place that’s on top of a building 5 stories high. he was you know i hate elevators, why did you bring me here. So he started to take the stairs, and I say just take the elevator, it’s going to be ok, and he was nope... I said don’t be such a wimp, just take it, he didn’t. I told him see my point. This is only being stressed for 1 minute or two, imagine if the elevator ride was 1 hour or 18 hours... To me taking elevators is not a big deal, but to you it is. he laughed and said ok i get it. I’ve mostly gotten positive responses, that my friend should not have had a wedding so far if he wanted all his friends to go. I think only one or two friends are going and his family. I do admit at the moment i agreed to be his best man, but we were having a birthday dinner and everything was going good, i was surprised, and was thinking of saying no, but at the moment i was drinking and felt pressured to say yes. But i think he knew, cause he kept asking so we on for summer? and was save money so you can go to australa, and when he picked the dates he was your coming right. that’s when I told him, plus on top of that we are actually going to have my dads70th birthday. but that’s not the real reason i’m not going. If it was anywhere in the US i could take train, or bus.

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I do agree there are valid reasons to miss a wedding, but I don't believe fear is one of them. Fear is something you can change via theory or medication. I don't believe you should allow fear to dictate your life. Why just except you are afraid of something and do nothing to deal with it? It is limiting your life.

It is also not "one event" it is the biggest day of their life (except maybe birth of a child).

Valid Reasons for missing a wedding: Military Service, birth of child, death in immediate family, school, unchangeable work schedule, immediate family graduation, etc.

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Good idea with the elevator! People don't understand until the table are turned. Also, this is why I don't like when people ask in public or in groups, the person being asked feels pressured to say yes even if they don't want to.

I hope he comes around and accepts that this is something you don't want to do.

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Yes, it's the biggest day of their life. They're welcome to do whatever they want, but if they're having a destination wedding, especially one that far away, they'll have to accept that not everyone is going to be there. People will choose to attend or not for whatever reasons they deem valid. And whatever those reasons are, they're valid.

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Correct not everyone will attend (that is a given), but the originally poster says this is his BEST friend. I would expect my best friend to attend.

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I would expect them to attend if it was in a reasonable location. My city. My state. Maybe even the state next door. Any further than that, many other factors come in to play. Best friend or not, there are reasons they may not be able to attend.