Definitely Need Advice - Bachelorette Party

Oh, and to top it all off... Bride was alluding yesterday that it might only be the three (girl I met yesterday, Bride, and me) attending the party. She said her sister is going to come to dinner and Painting with a Twist and that is it.

I think it depends. Is what she wants to do illegal in any way or is it something that you just are not comfortable with? If it’s illegal I’d be angry at a friend for even putting me in that situation. If it’s something else, I guess it depends on how the night is going to go. My best friend is really into marijuana and I am not because my job can drug test me at any time and I could be fired, plus I just don’t enjoy it. My fiancé REALLY doesn’t like it, but we just leave early if that’s what she is planning to do with her friends when we are at one of her events. Do you know why your fiancé is having such a harsh reaction? It’s hard to give any kind of advice without knowing if the activities she wants to do is dangerous, illegal, etc.

Wait are we talking about strippers? I mean, that's probably poor taste in COVID times so I would decline for that reason. 😂
It seems weird that she's your best friend but is doing something *insanely* out of character I guess for your reactions...
Probably have a heart to heart I'd guess! Good luck

I could give more helpful input if I knew the situation. But just based on what you wrote I would do the dinner and painting and leave early. And let her know so it’s not a shock. I would still be her friend and go to the wedding, this is my opinion from not knowing exactly why you’re uncomfortable.

I think you can leave early if you wanted! You don’t have to partake in ALL activities

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I'm sorry. It is illegal. She wants drugs involved. I don't want to be caught participating in that in anyway. I'm really angry and uncomfortable. I don't trust her to not carry them on her... have them in her house... use them without thinking... etc. It makes me question if I can go over to her house, take the same Uber with her, etc. My fiance is mad because he has seen the rabbit hole people can go down and he (or I) want our son around that. Again, goes back to the comment... has it been in the house while we were visiting, etc. It brings up a lot of doubt if that makes sense. Also, the hotel is in my name right now which I told her I would switch to her name.

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I always knew she liked to drink and drank heavily. I didn't know she was into drugs like this. She has admitted that she has kept a lot of stuff from me in the past, but she doesn't know what will go down with this other girl present so she wanted to warn me.

View Quoted Comment I 100% understand that, girl. That’s a really rough situation to be in. If you feel comfortable going to the bachelorette and leaving early, I’d do that. If you don’t feel comfortable, I think you need to have a discussion with her about how it makes YOU feel. Ultimately she’ll do what she wants but you can make the best decision for yourself and your family. As for the wedding, again I think you just need to do what you’re comfortable with. Usually at weddings people don’t do stuff like that, but if you think something is going to go down and you’ll be there alone because your fiancé doesn’t want to attend, again I think you’d need to have a conversation with her about how you feel. It’s not fair of her to not tell you she was into drugs before, but it honestly doesn’t surprise me, especially if you and your fiancé have experienced the effects of drugs in the past. So it’s not fair of her to spring this on you now, best friends simply don’t do that. If she can’t understand where you are coming from when you talk to her, unfortunately I think you have your answer about what you need to do.

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My concern with having a conversation with her about it is it won't matter. In the past, she has told me "what I want to hear" and then done what she wants anyway. In the past, she told me she has tried weed. In my mind, that is not the same as what all she admitted to yesterday. There is a big difference in "I tried weed once" and "I do drugs on the weekends so I can pass a drug test by Monday." Now I'm concerned about what to do with the hotel room. I put it in my name so I could check in and decorate. It's already paid for by the group. I'm definitely going to put it in her name. I guess I can decorate at Painting with a Twist. I also asked her if I am the only one who didn't know about this going down... she said no. So that means either the other girls already plan on not attending or she is putting them in harms way with no care.

View Quoted Comment That’s just awful of her to do if she truly is putting them in that position. Honestly, it sounds like you know what you want to do already and I think that plan is a good one. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this 😔.

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It made it a lot easier to process all of this mess once I typed it out and read a few unbiased opinions.

View Quoted Comment Honestly, it sounds like it goes way deeper than just the bachelorette party. You stated before that this girl is your best friend. It doesn't sound like she has been a good friend to you if she is lying and engaging in this type of behavior behind your back. I would absolutely not put yourself in a position where you may be financially or legally at risk due to her actions. I would also take a step back and, given this new information, consider your interest in continuing this friendship.

I would not put myself in a situation where I knew people were going to engage in illegal activity. If that's what they want to do, that's their choice, but it absolutely is not mine. Since she's been lying to you about her involvement in these activities, she knows you likely won't participate or condone them. I'd tell her I'm sorry, but given the circumstances I'm not going to be able to attend/participate. If you can move the reservation to her name, great! If not, I'd cancel the reservation and return peoples' money and let them make new plans. If this ruins/ends your friendship, that might be sad for you, but it doesn't sound like much of a friendship if she's been lying to you about something this significant. (It would be one thing if she acknowledged she knows the choices she's making are not ones you support and she just let you off the hook with expectations to attend/participate.) I've had friends over the years who've done things they know I strongly don't agree with, but they kept their activity completely separate from our relationship and any time we spent together. Friends can disagree, keep activities separate, and still be friends, but one friend shouldn't potentially put another friend at risk (for legal consequences, whatever). Good luck!

Tbh, if you're in the US, an intimate get together, including going to someone's house, of any kind (even minus the drugs, but especially with drugs) is... very ill-advised.

She doesn't sound like a decent friend in the slightest--I'd be bowing out of the bridal party altogether. At the very least, adult to adult, I'd be saying, "Listen--you want to get into illegal activity during your bach. I do not want to be involved in illegal activity. One plus one equals two; I will not be attending your bach." If she has any arguments against this, she isn't someone you want to be in your life anyway.

I say bow out early, or before drugs are presented. What you don't need is a friend who would put you in this situation. IMPO, and because you have a child, I would limit my involvement with her to lunch and shopping. I would not invite her to my home, but then we don't allow people to smoke on our property and limit drinking to when our little ones are not home.

View Quoted Comment This is the approach I have taken so far. I told her I put our hotel reservation in her name and she needs to bring a credit card for any extras. I told her I would attend dinner and painting.


I haven’t figured out other involvement, but it will be limited.

Oh wow. I’d be so conflicted too! It’s so difficult when you care for an addict for so, so many reasons. Unfortunately, you cannot force her to stop. You can only control your behavior and responses, as you know.
I’m so glad that you put the hotel room in her name and are only going for dinner and painting. That’s exactly what I was going to suggest when I first started reading all of the comments.
I have no real advice other than to say I wish you all the luck in the world!

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That sounds good. Make sure you stand your ground. I was put in a similar situation in my 20's. A friend wanted to celebrate her birthday/graduation (Master's) in Vegas. It sounded like a good idea, and I couldn't wait. We all met up (6 of us) at her house and that's when I learned her cousin was going and was bringing drugs (cocaine and GHB). I decided then that I was not going. They tried to talk me into it, but I was in my last year in law school and couldn't take a chance. They left Thursday and were supposed to be back on Sunday. I later learned that they had gotten pulled over in Laughlin for speeding. Because they had been drinking, the police searched the car and that's when they found the cocaine and GHB. They were all arrested for trafficking, possession, and possession with intent to sell. They all took a deal and were sentenced to 3 years probation, which meant they could not leave Nevada. My friend wanted to be a social worker, but because of her criminal record, she couldn't. Two of the other girls wanted to be nurses and one was a teacher. The 2 never became nurses (can you imagine having graduated from nursing school and your degree is completely worthless. The girl who was a teacher was fire and her teaching credentials were revoked. The only thing I knew about her cousin was that she dated a guy who was dealing, so I don't know how this affected her.

I tell you this to say, don't let your friend's bachelorette party ruin your future. When we're put in situations that are uncomfortable, we sometimes don't want to be the "buzz kill". But sometimes, you have to step back, look at the whole picture, and make a decision that could possibly end a friendship. That friend cursed me out and told me our friendship was over. I was sad to hear her say that, but I was glad I stood my ground.

I would not be involved in illegal activities. If that is something important to her, I would tell her you cannot come to or participate in that part of the weekend.

If she cannot respect your boundaries, then that shows what type of friend she is.