Defining Circles for Inviting Kids

This BM’s parents are like my second parents and also invited to the wedding, so I don’t know who would watch her son because the only people they leave him with are her parents or me. What I predict would happen is that the BM’s wife would miss the wedding, and FW and I don’t feel right doing that. FW and I do have a relationship with the BM’s son, and because she is in the wedding party, we thought we could make this exception. My BM is the only wedding party member with a child (aside from my siblings whose kids were already invited), so drawing the line at children of immediate family and children of wedding party members would only add 1 more kid. So we agreed (informally and just to each other) to make this our new line when we send out invitations.

The newest development is that many of FW’s family members are not coming to the wedding, which we kind of predicted but had hoped against. They have a problem with it being a SS wedding. Some members have even requested no invitations, and there are a few who she is not even out to per the request of other family members. My heart breaks for her. Her relationship with some of these members hasn’t been the best for some time, though, so she is not too surprised. But I know it hurts her, especially since I have a large family, most of whom plan on attending.

FW has a family she is very, very close to, and they have been like her surrogate family over the past several years, but they are not blood related. Among this family, there are five children. They are all out-of-state though, and FW knows they will not leave their kids oos to attend. She was initially fine with this, and we had realized that’s just the consequence of not inviting kids. However, because most of her own family is not attending, it has become even more important that this “adopted family” of hers attend. She wants to do whatever possible to make it easier for them to attend, so now wants to add this family’s kids as a new “circle.” This would put us at 10 kids.

On the one hand, I feel it is very important for my FW to have support when her own family has not been giving it, and I don’t feel that family is blood only. I want her to have who she considers her family there, so I personally am fine with adding these 5 kids. However, I am not sure how that would look to other guests, and if “like a family to me” is an appropriate circle etiquette-wise. We have not been and will not advertise our “kid policy,” but when people show up and their kids were not invited and they see 6 kids in addition to the 4 WP kids, well…I just worry it could cause hurt feelings. If we open it up to all kids, we’d have between 30-40, and that is just not an option for us. Granted, our two sides don’t really know each other, so I assume guests won’t walk around quizzing people with kids there to determine if or how they are related to us.

So, what are your thoughts? Leave it at the original 4? Open it up to just the BM’s son only? Or add this family’s 5 kids to make it a total of 10?

Thank you again for your thoughts :-)

Immediate family and wedding party's children are definitely appropriate circles. Sounds like this additional family with 5 kids is truly your FW's family. You don't need to explain yourselves and anyone that is close to you should understand that this family is very important to your FW.

eta: I got the impression that you and FW want all these kids there but don't want to hurt any feelings. If you don't want the additional 5 then don't invite them, if you only want your original 4 then only have your original 4, if you want original 4 plus BM's son then do that.

Is there a TLDR version of this? I think you might get more advice if you shorten it up a bit.

I think it depends on the ages of the children, and if it is in your budget to add the 6 extra kids.

I would leave it at the original 4 children. There comes a time in most peoples lives where they need to figure out who else can provide child care. Sometimes, it has to be someone other than a family member!

for example, we are inviting my FH's two first cousins, who will be 9 and 7. most of the family is also invited. However, if the parents would rather party kid free, then they need to find a sitter. we recently attended another family wedding, and their kids weren't invited, so they stayed home! Same with a cousin's baby!

I am the bride and FH is the groom so what we say goes. End of story.

We're inviting our nieces/nephew (three of them, all on his side) AND our friends' baby that was literally born this past Monday, should they feel up to coming and want to bring her. That's it. I do not feel the need to justify ourselves to anyone else that has a new baby should they complain (and trust me, we have at least 5 other couples with babies under 1 year old including my best friend coming). Our wedding our rules.

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I had a similar situation with where to draw the line with kids (in some cases, adult ones). My family is very small - only 11 people. The 3 children (one niece's twin sons) and my other niece's daughter were the ring bearers and flower girl so that was easy. They were of course, invited. My husband has a large family. Some cousins we see all the time and socialize with, some not at all. My husband is 61 so many of his first cousins have adult children who have children. Where we drew the line was we invited all of his first cousins and we only invited the children of those cousins that we see or keep in touch with regularly. In 2 cases, that also included the children of those children, which were two (10 and 5) and one 15 year old. No other kids were invited and as we were keeping the wedding relatively small (75 max), that's what we stuck with. While we certainly didn't intend to hurt anyone, people just had to understand that we needed to draw a line and if they didn't like it, frankly, they could decide not to come. Thankfully, that wasn't the case as we both have relatively drama-free families.

As for you, it sounds like your FW's "Adopted Family" is very important to her and I think it's important that they be there. She could call them and say, "We are generally holding the line at inviting children to immediate blood relatives. However, it means the world to me that you all are there for our special day. Would you be able to make it without the children or would that be too much of an imposition? If so, than we would love to have the children there." I think there's nothing wrong with asking.

Do keep in mind that it is not your responsibility to figure out babysitting arrangements for any of your guests. You don't invite the kids just because you don't know who would watch them. That's not your problem, it's theirs. People either attend and get a babysitter or they don't.

I would not worry about the optics of having some kids and not others. You don't owe anyone an explanation. It's your wedding, you know your intentions, which are very thoughtful.

@Firstoneat nailed it.

@Kate, it's gotten me this far. I happen to disagree since the couple has the option of declining but everyone should makes their own decision on that.

We drew the line at no children at all. If they want to find a babysitter that isn't family, that's something parents do all of the time. I also don't ever trust grapevines.

My bridesmaid has two children that are young and they were not invited to the wedding. She had a babysitter and she and her husband still made it to the wedding.

I think you're overthinking it. You don't have to justify who you invite. I understand about not wanting to hurt people's feelings though. And sorry that your FW isn't receiving support from her family.

I'm inviting the 6 small kids of my cousins (ages 2-8, 2 of whom are in the wedding party), but not the kids of other cousins. I'm very close with these three cousins - spend birthdays and holidays with them - so I consider them my immediate family, even though some people probably wouldn't agree. I'm also inviting some teen/young adult kids of a few cousins who we see regularly, but not ones that I never interact with. Other kids that are invited are FH's nieces and nephews, and one great-nephew who will be the ring-bearer.

The only one I'm unsure of is the son of one of my BM, who will be 6 at the time. I always thought I would not invite him, but so many people seem to say to invite the kids of the wedding party. Now I think I am overthinking it too.

I would invite the kids you want there, and it sounds like in this situation I don't think you have to worry too much about any hurt feelings. They are either family, bridal party or basically family.

Honestly, you don't have to justify who you invite. Invite the people who the two of you agree should be there (regardless of age!) If anyone asks, you can politely explain the situation or say that your sorry but the budget didn't allow for everyone to be invited.

Thank you so much, everyone! I feel a lot better about our decision and less like I need to justify or worry about hurt feelings. Thank you, thank you :-)

@firstoneat56- Great idea about the phone call! Love the wording as well :-) Thanks so much!

We invited age 21 and up, which is what almost every single of the 2-dozen weddings we've ever been invited to has done. We didn't give a pass to out of towners because either we had never met them, or only met them a couple of times. Of 250 invited guests only one couple declined because they couldn't arrange babysitting (given 10 months notice). Another couple boycotted, and didn't have the courtesy to RSVP.

@rica - It's a standard thing, in our family social circle and has been for years (21 is our legal alcohol age). My Mom's family stopped inviting kids to weddings in the late 1960s, when she was in the 10-12 range.

We married at 25 and 26. One sibling was older, one younger (23). No nieces/nephews. My BIL married when our baby was a couple months old (and breastfed); she was neither invited or attended.

Our venue had very strict rules, if we had invited guests under 21. Everyone would have needed a photo ID, which would have been a real pain. If underage guests were caught drinking or trying to order alcohol, that guest would have been asked to leave (can you imagine the scene?). More than one infraction and they could have shut down the bar for the rest of the evening and wasted lots of our $$$.

Our venue charged the full adult rate for all guests 13 and up - no discount for 5 hours of top shelf open bar. If 12 and under and the guest requested an adult meal = full adult rate. Most of the venues we looked at had a price structure like that.

Making those exceptions makes sense to me - her adopted family is her immediate family! In any case, you can pick and choose whoever you want at your wedding.