Decision about no alcohol at wedding is causing issues! Help!

The main question I have first of all, is what do YOU want? Do you really not want alcohol at your wedding? Or did you agree to a dry wedding to appease your fiancé and his family? If you truly do not want alcohol there, then that is your answer. If you DO want it there, but just went along with it because that’s what your fiancé and his family wanted, than I think a compromise is an order. It’s not fair for only one side of a couple to get what they want for their wedding. A marriage is all about compromise, and now is the time to start practicing it. If you do want alcohol, it sounds as though your mother has presented a valid compromise by only serving beer and wine at the reception after dinner. This allows Fiancé’s family to participate in the reception and enjoy their meal. Then, if they are truly THAT offended by other people drinking in their presence, they can choose to leave. However, I don’t see how this is any different from these people going out to eat at a restaurant- restaurants serve alcohol, and I’m sure they’ve sat at tables next to people imbibing many times.

I totally agree with cece. Your fiancé and his family are not the only ones attending this wedding. If you want to serve some alcohol then you need to have a conversation with your fiancé and compromise. Your mother gave a way for that. If YOU don’t then stand firm on that with her but don’t just go along with something because your fiancé is choosing to be stubborn. You are not children and if you can’t compromise already for your wedding day it’s going to be a long road of your fiancé trying to railroad you in life after the wedding. He needs to understand that he can’t get his way all the time. That’s not how life works. His family are also adults and if they truly are that sensitive about drinking then they can leave.


It all depends what you want and when you decide that you need to stand firm in that decision

When you allow your parents to pay for your wedding, you are relinquishing some of the decisions. And since they are paying, they can call the shots like this one. Beer and wine is a good compromise.

I have never understood the logic that people "need" a few drinks in them to dance. That makes me wonder if some people on your side may be more inclined to obviously be having a good time if you know what I mean. If that's the kind of party that would offend the other side, I can understand your FI's resistance.

That said, if your parents are paying for the wedding, and it's being hosted at a time of day when people in their circles would normally expect to have at least a celebratory drink or two I don't see why you can't compromise. Could you limit the alcohol by serving a glass of wine or two directly to the table for those who want it?

If the ones hosting the wedding want to drink I don't see the problem. If you guys don't want the alcohol then pay for the wedding and stop your family from being able to talk to vendors.

Unfortunately this is a sacrifice you have to make when you allow other people to pay for the wedding: they get full say in final decisions. There is an unnatural hostility towards dry weddings and non alcoholic events in general that makes no sense because the hosts who choose that route are not inhospitable in the least. The people who are judging don’t care and nothing will convince them otherwise that guests will be fine and will not leave early or sneak in alcohol just because a small group has no respect for the hosts.


Your fiancé is right that this is not your parents’ wedding. It sounds like you and fiancé have made a joint agreement to not serve alcohol, which is your prerogative and no one has the right to get angry at you. If someone gets that upset, they care more about the alcohol than they care about you. Point blank that is reality. Yet for some inexplicable reason, people are commended for their sobriety (for whatever personal reasons they decide to be that are no one else’s business) in the same breath that they are raked over the coals for wanting to have a party without any temptation. Because the argument is “that’s disrespectful to those in attendance who don’t have those personal issues”, which is in fact disrespectful to the hosts who planned the event in the first place. If someone is that opposed to the concept of socializing and celebrating for a day without alcohol, then the invited guest who complains has much bigger concerns to deal with on their own time than the hosts who are trying to have a sober party. As if any and all sober people (whether for religious reasons or they are tempted by addiction or something else entirely) are in the wrong for existing and heaven forbid they want to have a dry wedding or other event and they can enjoy themselves without alcohol. You can not have your cake and it it too, which is what happens when this type of situation occurs.
Stop all planning. Assuming from your description that you and fiancé share the same vision on the no alcohol, give all money back to the parents and plan a new wedding from scratch that fits what you and fiancé want. Not what your parents want, because they had their chance to plan a wedding years ago. Establish firm boundaries with fiancé supporting you as a team and do not waver from those boundaries even a little. Repeat no like a broken record when someone tells you that you cannot do what you want at your own wedding and apply the same principles to the rest of your lives, and then walk away or hang up the phone when they don’t respect your decision. This behavior that parents are displaying, because you are allowing it to happen, will continue after the wedding when they decide what you and new spouse do with your lives: where you live and work, how often you visit them, how holidays are spent, anything regarding future children and the list goes on. If parents are so insistent on serving alcohol, they can host parties in their home or a family reunion gathering at a different time of the year that is not associated with your wedding.

You can't simultaneously have your parents pay for the wedding and also call the shots on the bar here. A dry wedding is not against etiquette, but your parents have proposed a good compromise.

If you truly want to have a dry wedding, then decline your parent's money and plan your own event.

Sounds like your FI is very heavily into his religion and their mandates. You'll need to learn to compromise on things, because other issues will crop up in your lives. You want to make sure you can work effectively together as a couple. This won't be the first time there will be a difference in points of view.

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This is the correct take. If you and your fiancé were paying, it would be a different story.

I think both sides are fighting for their idea of a proper party, not just your Mom. If you're not having a Southern Baptist Church wedding, then you certainly don't have to carry on that culture through the entire evening. Your Mom offered a timeframe for cocktails and that's after cake and before dancing. Duds leave after cake, and if his side aren't adult enough to be in a room with drinkers like at a restaurant or a work party, then they live unrealistically and are overbearing. They can leave if they are uncomfortable. If his side gets their way now, they will keep pushing you both to live like them. Your Mother didn't even say you had to drink, but she and Dad are the hosts so they get to say what they want for all guests-- that is the option to have a drink. You make note that you're considering it so you need to correct him about your change of heart. Your Mom shouldn't have texted your soon to-be MIL, as she isn't hosting at all but that's all done now.


If you still want a dry wedding which is in itself respectable, then cancel this wedding, reimburse your parents for all deposits. Save like grown adults and then host your own wedding in the day time, in the Church basement. No one will expect alcohol then.

The way I see it, you have 2 options:

1. Decline your parents' money, pay for the wedding yourself, and have a dry wedding.

2. Have your parents pay for the wedding and serve alcohol at said wedding.

Your fiancee is wrong. If your mom is the one paying for the wedding, then she absolutely gets to decide on the bar.

If your parents are willing to pay for it, i don't see why the people who don't want to drink can't just....not drink? Totally cool if they don't like or want alcohol, but they dont' have a right to judge other people for wanting/having it.

It sounds to me like you either want it or are indifferent at best and don't actively NOT want it there but were agreeing to appease your FI/IL's. Maybe i'm wrong but that was my sense.

I think your mom's idea is great.

I'm sorry you are having this issue. Alcohol is always a problem because of people needing it to "have fun"
I get that your parents are paying for the wedding but it is still your wedding and just because they are paying for it as a gift to you, they are not in charge of that decision.
If some people can't spend one evening without alcohol that is not your problem, is kind of a 12 steps kind of problem.

Also i think is really rude to expect some guests to leave early just for anothers to be able to drink. All your guests deserves the same amount of time

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It's less about the alcohol itself and more about hosting etiquette: the host (who is paying) provides an environment where adult guests are given appropriate and diverse options taking into account guests' diet and lifestyle. For example, you don't invite vegans to an all-meat party without adding non-meat options. Guests are grown-ups who can monitor their behavior themselves and they can also choose not to drink even if drinks are provided. Those who do not drink should be able to stand near someone who does drink wine.

You are incorrect on who is host. The couple has chosen not to pay, and therefore, do not make hosting decisions, just her parents. His parents cannot make any decisions. In your own wedding, if you want to make all the decisions, then you and your partner pay for everything. Many couples choose this route for the autonomy alone.

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No one is saying that it is expected for certain people to leave early so others can drink. Everyone has the option to drink or not to drink. And everyone has the option to stay all night or to leave early. If certain guests cannot be in the same room as alcohol, then that is their choice. Although, I find it hard to believe these people have never gone to a restaurant that serves alcohol. Let's be real... they have all sat next to someone who has been drinking. It's entitled for them to think all other guests need to conform to their religious preferences. And it's also ridiculous to insinuate that people wanting to drink at a wedding constitutes a 12 step program 😆 Celebratory events have included alcoholic beverages for hundreds of years in basically every culture.

View Quoted Comment Bride and groom already made their choice: No alcohol. That is all that matters.
I think you are incorrect about who is hosting too. Mi parents are paying all our wedding as a gift, and thay are not demanding thinks we already choose not to do. So that is about bride and her parents. It's not the norm.

I would be very disappointed if my parents/in-laws gave me a gift just to impose their conditions

Yeah, a lot of celebrations include alcohol, but bride and groom decide this will be a dry event. And if people can't be in one event, one evening without a drink, that is in fact ridiculous and more, is stupid.

View Quoted Comment Actually, the groom and his side decided it. The bride and her family are for it. So the posters here are presenting options for BOTH sides to be able to enjoy the celebration. Your personal opinion on peoples’ drinking habits aren’t really relevant, or helpful. Your views on who is hosting is also incorrect. Who is paying is who is hosting. Hosts get to have a say in the event they are paying for. And most parents who fund their children’s weddings DO want a say in certain things. That is, in fact, “the norm”. Your situation (parents paying and having no say) is actually NOT the norm. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. My parents also contributed to our wedding and didn’t really make any demands, other than my mom really wanted us to have a wedding cake. We planned to serve other desserts instead, but made the compromise since she was paying. It was no big deal to be respectful and compromise since she was generously paying. Just like it’s no big deal for fiancé and his family to compromise with bride and her family.

Parents can either offer to contribute a set amount with no strings attached or they can be the hosts or co-hosts of an event. If they are hosting then they get to plan the party they want. In a perfect world they are motivated to make the couple happy and to take reasonable concerns or requests from the future in laws into account.


Of course what is or isn’t reasonable or acceptable can be a matter of opinion. That’s why couples who want a final say are usually advised to host their own wedding.

Unfortunately when you allowed your parents to pay for the wedding, you gave them the right to make some decisions. I also agree that your fiancé’s parents do not get to dictate things for the entire reception based on their beliefs. They can abstain if they choose and allow others to make their own decision.