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Th
Dedicated September 2021

Deciding who will get cut from guestlist bc of covid

Th, on February 18, 2021 at 11:43 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 13
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Hey all! I apologize for the length of this post but a little backstory to help get the idea.. FH and I made an initial guest list to fit our budget when we first got engage. FH has 3 sides of his family and a very large one at that and I also have a large family so at least 100+ people on our list were just family. we kept the family lists to immediate aunts and uncles on his dad, step dad, and moms sides, grandparents from all sides and cousins who are over 13 (only one baby cousin because we are having a child free wedding). there are also two of his dad's cousins and their parents (FH's great aunt and uncle) bc his dad's cousins are his age and he is very close with their whole fam, especially now as he is older, not so much in each others lives when he was a kid. Anyways, from the beginning my MIL has I guess felt slighted (shes always on the defense about stuff) and made a HUGE deal about HER aunts and uncles not being invited esp since his dad's aunt and uncle and two cousins are invited. Problem is we did not originally add them to the family column bc altho they really helped his mom when he was born and a baby, since they moved across country when FH was 8, FH does not have a relationship with them. When he goes to his hometown to visit his grandparents, they don't make the effort to see him, they don't ever call him, and they haven't in the 22 years ever come to visit him or his mother. FH expresses to his mother altho he would love to invite the entire fam our guest list would be at like 300 people just his family and its unrealistic and we chose family based off of who he has a good relationship with now, not when he was a kid. Anyways, MIL initially threatens not to come and just being overbearing and pretty nasty, so we add them. She agrees to help pay for them and we give her and FFIL (her husband, FH step dad) their own list to add their own people they want to pay for. they add a couple of MIL's cousins which is cool and she added 2 of her good friends who knew her when FH was a baby which FH is cool with but would not have invited himself bc he hasn't seen them since he was a baby and then two coworkers, one of which FH and I have never met. the other we met once, and both will not know anyone at the wedding other than each other and a family friend of FH who also works at their office.

SO now we have COVID to worry about and realistically we have to cut down on the guest list that has grown to 245 people. My parents also have their own list they have already planned to cut people from and my mother already told MIL that if it comes to it they will need to cut from their list too which MIL seemed ok with. my mom has been in contact w MIL bc 1) my parents are hosting and paying for all the guests plates and 2) since MIL has been super nasty to her son and myself when anything guest list related comes up, my mom has volunteered to handle those conversations bc MIL wont be nasty with my mom.

My question is, if it comes down to it, do we cut out people from the list - or let MIL cut her and FIL's list. Our initial reactions and lists we made for 100, 150, and 200 people just to have an idea do not include her coworkers we don't know/haven't met and my feeling is if we have to cut down on the list I'd rather they be the first to go since we don't know them, but my gut is telling me my MIL will cut out other people and still have her coworkers we don't know there and idk why but it bothers me. We also will remove all the great aunts and uncles FH has no relationship with (which she might do anyways, but that is our plan) At the end of the day my parents who are footing the bill have already told me and FH that we can decide who is on the final list and I went through with my mom cutting people from her list, but I am just thinking this is going to be yet another thing my MIL will threaten not to come to the wedding about or just blow it up insanely out of proportion.

So just curious what others who may be in a similar situation have done and how they have handled this - more so did you pick the final say or let your parents respectively cut their lists down on their own.


Thanks!

13 Comments

Latest activity by RaylaSan, on February 18, 2021 at 9:30 PM
  • Th
    Dedicated September 2021
    Th ·
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    Oh I forgot to mention, we plan on streaming the ceremony and doing a little something for everyone we will have to cut since we already sent save the dates out so they will be included in some way and we thought it would be nice for family we invited but knew would not be able to physically attend due to travel, age, and health before covid to do this, so that is our plan. I feel most people will be accepting of it bc well covid, and i think some of the elderly guests may even be a bit relieved, bc a lot will have to travel from out of state and with regulations on travel and everything else it will just be a lot for people, so it's a way to include them in the day without them having to do all the crazy travel planning.

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  • Shelly
    Rockstar January 2022
    Shelly ·
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    YOU and YOUR FH pick the guest list. No ifs ands or buts about it.

    If you let your FMIL decide who gets cut, then you will more than likely have the same amount of people from her list that you started this whole thing with. You and your FH need to get all guest lists together and sort through them. Invite only who you both want. FMIL can pout and throw a fit all she wants, but this isn't her day and she doesn't get to dictate who gets invited. If she wants to be petty and not come because she isn't getting her way, then so be it. That decision is on her, and ultimately shows her character.

    It's nice that you're streaming the wedding so your guests that can't attend can view it! Again, you and your FH need to go through the list ALONE without any input from your FMIL. It sounds like she's the only one with a problem with it, so I would just leave her out of the decision making.

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  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle ·
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    That is super tricky because save the dates have already been sent. You will have to send some notice (preferably by phone instead of mass mailing) that the list has been cut. Only you and fiance decide who is invited. No one else gets any input. You will have to narrow it down to whomever you cannot imagine the day without. Sometimes best friends take priority over relatives and they will have to deal with that. If they can't, that is on them and you have to cut toxicity as it arises for your mental well being.

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  • Expert September 2021
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    We have a very similar situation with our guest list. We literally found ourselves WELL over our idea of a guest list because of the friends of friends or family members of family members that my FMIL was planning to invite. We completely lost control. Our venue was sending us emails telling us that e may need to go ahead and think of downsizing.

    It wasn't even necessarily about Covid for us, it was more about paying literal thousands of dollars to have people at our wedding that we had never even met.

    We decided to move venues and downsize to just the people we care most about - so around 80 people. That as a life saver when gaining the control of the guest list back. We simply started telling our family that it wasn't an option and that our guest list was going to be chosen very particularly since we were only having around 80 guests. My FMIL wasn't crazy about it, but it wasn't up for discussion.

    I think if you are paying for the wedding, you don't have to take request on who should or shouldn't be invited to your wedding. But even if you are having help, I would try to help your family understand that Covid has put a restriction on the large wedding and you want YOUR closest friends and family there, not anyone else's.

    My fiancé and I sat down and decided who we wanted to be there, family or not, and that's who we decided to invite. If it's not an option to have a huge wedding with everyone you all want there, it ultimately comes down to you and your fiancé!

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  • Th
    Dedicated September 2021
    Th ·
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    Okay cool. That's kind of what I was rolling with, I just feel bad because they don't have that many people they invited to begin with, but that's because most of it is family we already invited, and my side also has a lot of family friends who FH and I both refer to as aunt and uncle even tho they are not blood related if that makes sense. his parents have also contributed what they can to the wedding, agreed to do the rehearsal dinner and gave us the deposit for the photographer.

    Also I think its irritating bc MIL will definitely come to our wedding, that's just her go to making empty threats to get her way. Like there is no way, she is just saying this to try and manipulate him into doing what she wants and it worked initially. Im also irritated bc she doesn't ask, she demands things and when it has come to the guest list has tried to make the day about her. I think she is also slighted we originally invited step dads aunts and uncles as well as his dad's one aunt and uncle all who FH has a relationship with, but her side no one has made the effort and that's somehow FH's fault. Now we have our response all ready if she tries to say I won't come, I'm going to say I'm really sorry to hear you feel that way and we hope you will still come and celebrate the day with us. So we'll see what happens.

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  • Shelly
    Rockstar January 2022
    Shelly ·
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    Well I send you good luck and vibes! You and your FH know how you want your day to go, and who you want there, so stick with that plan in order to keep everything under control!

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  • V
    Master July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    Personally, I would only include immediate family and close friends. I don't think it is fair to say some aunts, uncles and cousins can be there, but others can't.

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  • Katie
    Rockstar August 2020
    Katie ·
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    Hi Tara, oh girl we were in the same boat having to tremendously cut our list. We cut coworkers. My dad actually stepped in and privately called my husband’s parents and said “hey both our kids are in a tough spot so if you’re agreeable, let’s cut out our own friends and business friends so the kids can have their bridal party and preserve cutting any family off the list”. Thankfully this brought us to the number we needed. Parents called us and told us it was handled. My husband and I are very grateful for their collective sacrifice ❤️
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  • Shelly
    Rockstar January 2022
    Shelly ·
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    This is so awesome! We love us some good teamwork! Smiley heart

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  • Shirley
    Expert November 2020
    Shirley ·
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    THIS! If you give an FMIL a cookie...


    Had to learn this the hard way during planning. You and FH should make all the executive decisions alone based on who you want there.
    • Reply
  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    It should be your FH and your decision
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  • Th
    Dedicated September 2021
    Th ·
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    That's great! my mom had been a rock in that sense and I think at the end of the day she will handle it for us and if we give her the final count she will pass it on to FH parents. They are really pleasant with my parents, his mom just has this I'm the parent and you're still my child even though you're a grown adult so I am always right and you are wrong complex that never ends well when talking to FH. So that will be how it had to go IF we have to cut the list. Hoping things look up by September!

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  • RaylaSan
    Rockstar February 2021
    RaylaSan ·
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    I wouldn't cut the guest list, we invited over 150+ people and we had 60 people RSVP yes, so the people that already declined, cut the guestlist for me. :p

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