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Just Said Yes August 2023

Deciding a Maid of Honour - Maybe i am overreacting...

Cassandra, on August 10, 2020 at 2:21 PM Posted in Community Conversations 0 9
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I know my wedding is far from close (it was supposed to be in August 2021, but we pushed it 2 more year because of venue problems, etc), but I have been thinking about who I (roughly) want as my MOH. I have ideas for 6 bridesmaids in total, with having one matron and one maid of honor (to not hurt any feelings). The matron of honor would be my sister-in-law, because she has always been there for me, respects my relationship with my FH, and is insanely similar in personality with me. I think of her as a sister, and I could not imagine not having her be in a MOH position. The possible Maid of honor would be my BFF since 9th grade. We have always been super close, however, I have been "falling out of love" with her, so to speak. There has been many times where she has put herself or others before me (I sound so selfish), when I, for so many years, have always put her first before myself. We are in teacher's college together, where she would always say she misses her undergrad years, misses her friends there...kind of insinuating that going to school with me has been awful. Since I have been kind of pushing her away...(well, of course with COVID, I know she has been partying, and hanging out around a lot of people, and with me having a compromised immune, I've been scared to hang around people in general.) She sort of blames me for not taking the time to hang out with her, when she wouldn't really ask me to hang out in the first place. Also, when there are plans that involve my FH, she does not want to really be involved. For example, I had set up a drive-by or a zoom call for my FH's birthday, I invited her just to be nice, and because I want her to be a part of my life with him, but she did not even respond. when I asked, she said, "well, you don't come to see me?" (she also lives not even 5 mins away from him). She didn't even show up for my birthday drive-by, claiming 20 mins was too far of a drive, when friends hours away made the drive. There are so many more things to add to this story, so many reasons why I should not make her a MOH, but I just know there will be an INSANE amount of drama if I do not choose her. I would, of course, have her as a bridesmaid because i would love her to be there, but it has been stressing me out, even now, years before the wedding. It just feels like its a "well you don't do this, why should I?" situation, and it hurts. I always feel blamed, and whenever I try to talk about things with her, she always places the blame on me. Maybe I am overreacting... What are your opinions?

9 Comments

Latest activity by Tiger Bride, on August 11, 2020 at 10:05 AM
  • Margaret
    Master October 2020
    Margaret ·
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    Honestly, I wouldn't ask anyone until you're about a year out. Friendships and relationships change and with your wedding not until 2023 the last thing I'd be thinking of is my bridal party.

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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    Honestly sounds like your friendship is not the best. I would not want someone like that as a bridesmaid. You know what I had a time when a friend of mine said I should be her maid of honor and she still ended up choosing her long term friend even though she complained about how she was at the time but I still graciously accepted being a bridesmaid and did what I needed, even sometimes more than the MOH. I would say do not make her MOH and if she does not like it then oh well. I feel your choice for MOH makes sense. Smiley smile

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  • Lisa
    Legend July 2022
    Lisa ·
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    I would wait to ask anyone to be in the wedding party until 8-12 months before your wedding. Relationships absolutely change during the time that you're wedding planning, and if you ask too early, you might end up regretting your decision. The people you would pick today to be in your wedding party could very well be different than who you would pick for your wedding party in two years from now.
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    I would HIGHLY recommend waiting until the wedding is much closer. Trust me, you will see lost of posts on here about people who regret asking certain people. I am one of those people. I had a best friend for 13+ years who I asked to be my maid of honor about 9 months prior to the wedding. There was a falling out and we aren't even friends anymore. I would ask 8-12 months prior to the wedding otherwise it is very possible you could regret who you ask.

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  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    I agree with others in waiting. Honestly, this person sounds quite toxic and I would be surprised if you 2 are still actually friends in 2 years. Just because you have known someone for so long doesn't mean that you must make room for them in your life going forward. I personally feel like when people start keeping score of who invited who when and such, that's a sign that the friendship is more of an obligation than a mutually rewarding relationship.
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  • C
    Just Said Yes August 2023
    Cassandra ·
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    Thank you all for your response! I most definitely will be waiting before I make my decision. Pushing the wedding back has been quite helpful in trying to figure everything out. I more so just wanted to ensure that I was not overthinking, or second-guessing myself. I know I have now 2 years to decide (thanks to COVID), but it is great to know that what I have been feeling is validated. Mainly because, ever since I have gotten engaged, she has been hinting, or expecting to be my MOH, which has been bringing on the immense stress of how to handle it years later. I just really don't want to hurt anyone in the process of deciding.

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  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
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    If she continues to "hint" to the point of you really feel like she's putting you on the spot, I'd just tell her that with the wedding still a couple years away you and fiance have agreed to wait on everything related to the wedding party until it's MUCH closer since there is absolutely nothing anyone in the wedding party needs to do now. Based on what you've shared, I would definitely not consider her for any part of the wedding party, but that's your decision -- and not one that needs to be made for more than two years. Good luck!

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  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
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    Since you have a long time until your wedding, I wouldn't make any decisions until 10-12 months out. Especially since this friendship is already changing, it may get better/worse. No reason to ask this soon.

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  • T
    Super April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
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    2023 is too far away to even think about bridesmaids right now.

    I would not take the drive-by thing too personally; going to a drive-by birthday party in general sounds incredibly awkward let alone for someone I don't know well (like she doesn't know your FH).

    Edit: just saw your comment "she would always say she misses her undergrad years, misses her friends there...kind of insinuating that going to school with me has been awful". This literally has nothing to do with you. I miss college and my friends there terribly...doesn't mean I don't love my friends where I am now. It's nostalgia for a different part of life.

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