Debt Bombshell!

The lack of honesty is the unsettling part. 40k is very different than 100k even if you somehow forgot to include 30k. It’s not about the actual value of the debt, it’s that the value keeps changing. I would be very cautious of marrying someone that is not upfront about their debt situation. Because she won’t share the details of her finances I would be worried she’s hiding something, perhaps that she has not been keeping up with her loan payments. I would definitely speak to a financial advisor so you are both clear on the situation and a plan on how she can repay these debts. If she’s not willing to do that together, I’d personally take a step back from the engagement while you work through these issues.

My first husband did not tell me about his student debt. After we married he decided to quit working and go back for a graduate degree. I worked 2 jobs to pay off the student loans and graduate school. Yes, it was his debt but it was our credit that would have been effected if it had not been paid.

I work for a wealth management firm and I personally think you have every right to look at her bank statements. I graduated from college last May and I can assure you, I knew what I owed and how much I'd be paying each month. I worked my butt off in college, working a full time job, to avoid as much debt as possible. Came out of school with a Bachelors degree and $28k to pay back. This absolutely sounds like she was bending the truth because she was probably embarrassed about the balance. Understandable but also unacceptable. The fact that there is also a $33k auto loan that you didn't know about and a credit card with $12k racked up is alarming. Are the payments not being made or is she just consistently charging things? How did you not know about the car? I'd be pumping the brakes until this was figured out...

I agree with PPs that there are a lot of red flags. My fiancé is very financially responsible and generally on top of everything. In the three years we’ve lived together he’s been late on payment maybe twice. I, on the other hand, get very anxious about finances. Even so, I’ve never kept my financial information from him. He’s always been honest with me too about his finances. We budget together and plan to combine our bank accounts and we both know that if we ever wanted to see each other’s bank statements or card statements, we need only ask. If I dated someone for so long and lived with them for so long and they lied to me about a 100K debt, I’d be *very* concerned about what else they might be hiding in terms of financial problems or anything similar. I would put off the wedding until you can go to counseling and financial counseling and get to a place where you’re both comfortable.

If you still want to get married, go to Financial Peace University together.

https://www.daveramsey.com/fpu

They will walk you though all of the steps needed to get out of debt.

From personal experience, I can tell you it's hard to be married to someone who was dishonest with you especially in the area of finances. The first year of marriage was almost a deal breaker for my husband and I, but there is hope!

Our engagement was great, we talked about debts and I thought we were on the same page. It wasn't until after we were married for about 4-5 months I found out he had credit cards which I had no idea about. He also was making 2x my annual salary, but was unable to pay his portion of the household bills, resulting in our utilities being shut off more than once. Anytime we talked about finances, he would repeat over and over "I don't want to fight about money." I eventually couldn't handle the hurt, the betrayal, and all of my other emotions so I began counseling as an individual. I thought I was the one being unreasonable, I had unrealistic expectations, I wasn't being fair to him, etc. It literally tore me apart. After multiple sessions with my counselor she encouraged couples counseling. I told my husband I wanted him to make an appointment with a counselor, which he blew off very quickly stating that nothing was wrong and he didn't need someone to ask him how he felt about this or that. It wasn't until he was faced with an ultimatum, you/we attend counseling, you turn over your portion of finances (which you told me, friends and family I would handle before we were married) or we get divorced. After a couple days, we began counseling.

Counseling helped to save my marriage. Today my husband and I are living in our dream home, talking about the future, life goals, finances, etc without a fight. There is hope, but marriage takes 2.

As far as your questions you asked here are my answers:

You are not being unreasonable. Unfortunately we can't determine/judge how a person chooses or doesn't choose to feel. I (from personal experience) would not move forward with the relationship at this time, but I wouldn't say call off your engagement either.

My advice is to seek counseling. This will help set the foundation of your relationship, and you have to decide if you want to move forward, and if you can forgive her dishonesty with you about debts. This is not an easy process, but it's doable. My heart breaks for you, and I want you to know you will get through this. Relationships are built on a few things, respect, honestly/trust, and forgiveness. This is all relationships not just romantic ones. If you are missing one of those important aspects from the relationship it's a recipe for disaster. Wishing you the best!

View Quoted Comment 👆this. It’s an easy format and can be done without any cost to you.
One thing I would say is that while it’s more rewarding to focus on the smallest debts first (which Dave promotes) since you will have quicker “wins” of paying off debts, financially it makes more sense to hit the largest cost debts first (highest interest).

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It also requires you to list out all of your debts, which I think this girl needs desperately.

Debt isn't about math it is about mindset. Until you get that fixed, you can't get out of debt. Dave's method fixes the mindset.

I don't think you're unreasonable. FH and I have a very open book policy. You want to see my accounts and balances? Either of us knows each others passwords. We don't ever view each others accounts, but the option is still there if we absolutely needed it to be!

I would be wary about being with someone who lied to me for a decade. Was she in denial about the amount? Is her debt getting out of control and she just can't admit it? It definitely warrants a discussion.

There are plenty of comments so I'll keep in brief. I think you're being reasonable about all of it. As hard as it is to call off a wedding, I think you did the right thing. There are red flags everywhere about her unwillingness to disclose her statements as well has not knowing about her loans. I know other people said they could see how it happens, but I cannot. I had to take out loans for over 50% of my college and I know exactly how much I owe, to who, and the interest rate. I'd be concerned about the credit card debt because it could be indicative of issues to come.

My FH and I have a 100% open book policy. All of our accounts are in Mint and we budget together. And while yes, they are my student loans and my car loan, it affects us both. Our goal is debt free by next year and that means both of us putting "our" money towards it together.

I think a counselor would be of great use to you both. Time to talk, get an understanding together, and the ability to make a plan. Is the relationship salvageable? For sure! But there has to be a desire from both parties to mend what has happened. Debt can be paid off and a future cane be made but only with complete trust in each other.

My Fiance had 100k in debt with just student loans when I met him, as well as credit card debt. He was never dishonest with me about it, though if he was, I would have had a lot more reservations about marrying him. He has a plan for paying everything back and has proven towards this plan. I don't know if seeing every line of the credit card is necessary, but I do think you need a financial adviser to step in and evaluate your situation.

I would be VERY concerned if my husband (or fiance at the time) wouldn't share his personal finances with me. Thankfully we bought a house together so we had to show everything to each other (but we were already aware of debt & income & savings). I wouldn't marry someone that isn't okay talking about debt, savings, or income with me. You need to be on the same page. I'd see a relationship counselor ASAP and not get married until you figure this out.

I would post pone the wedding. It is a very small wedding so that shouldn't be easier than trying to reach out to 120 people. I would take her and sit down with a financial adviser before you get married, if you even still want to marry her after all of the serious lies.

Everyone else said it already, but it's the lack of disclosure that's most concerning. I can definitely understand being embarrassed and wanting to avoid the conversation, but you have been together long enough that this should have come up long ago! I don't necessarily think seeing an itemized copy of her credit card is going to help at this point, other than make the both of you more upset with her spending habits. If the finances are the only thing you are worried about... a prenup is always an option? It still does not get rid of the lying and dismissive behavior...

For me, the dishonesty is more concerning than the debt. You should absolutely have a discussion about finances, debt, savings, future money plans, etc prior to getting married, so I don't think you were wrong at all here. Where the trouble really lies is that your partner has not been upfront and honest with you (whether by intentionally lying to you or by just being so naive that they really have no clue what is going on with their finance), and in turn, you are showing a lack of trust in them. So she's mad that you are being intrusive and not trusting her, but you feel it is necessary because she's given you misinformation in the past, which is totally reasonable.

I think you have reached a point where you cannot move forward without getting on the same page. You either both need to realize how important financial stability and transparency is for your future, or you are bound to have major issues. It might be helpful to do some pre-marital counseling and/or see a financial advisor about your situation. If she isn't willing to be a part of this, then I think it shows you have different values/attitudes towards money, which could be really problematic in the future.

My FH was a little reluctant to share details about his finances (like he'd say "I got a good bonus this year" but never tell me what it was, whereas I'd be like "with this promotion I'm going from this salary to this one"), but since getting he's been more transparent with me and now when I ask him exact dollar amounts he shares that information willingly. At the point where you are engaged and planning to marry, money needs to be discussed honestly and openly. Money can be a tricky subject, especially if you've already been living together and making it work, but its really important to discuss pre-marriage. Remember marriage is primarily a legally binding contract - it doesn't actually declare your love and commitment for one another any more than being in a long-term, committed, monogamous relationship does - but it does wrap up your estates, assets, finances, benefits, etc in a bunch of legal ways. So sorting out all of the money stuff is SUPER important pre-tying the knot.

You may also want to consider a pre-nup. I know some people think that doing a pre-nup is predicting a marriage won't work, but I think it is a smart financial security move, especially if one of you has drastically different debt, income, or assets than the other.

We had friends where the guy had made a bad business move in his early 20s and needed to declare bankruptcy and the woman was super successful and had her own businesses and such. The two of them had three kids together but didn't actually marry until all of the bad bankruptcy stuff had eventually resolved, because she couldn't risk taking on bad credit as a result of their marriage because she needed good credit/good finances to be able to grow the businesses via loans and such. Money is huge, don't just skirt by the subject.

Uhhhh, her behavior isn’t ok at all. Student loan debt isn’t all there is to this... and even if it is just that she’s embarrassed, marriage is about trust. You can’t trust someone who isn’t truthful with you and refuses to be honest.


You did the right thing. If you want a way forward I hope you find it. It seems to me you’re perfectly willing to stay in the relationship and commit to the marriage regardless of what the document says and that the problem for you is her refusal to share with you what you have shared with her.
This is a no brainer. Trust your gut. It may break your heart, but this kind of thing, even when there’s no horrible secret reason why she won’t let you look at this stuff and the explanation for her behavior is not nefarious, the fact that you have to wonder at all can destroy your relationship, not to mention your health for the worrying.
My aunt married a guy she hadn’t known very long and they got divorced within a year. Turns out he had hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt he did not disclose until after the wedding. He expected her to pay it off. She got an annulment and divorce. He had the nerve to contest it! This was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen and I can’t help wondering if you’d have found yourself in a similar situation...but in your case it’s worse because you’re in a relationship you’ve been in for a long time.
Prenup or walk EVEN if she shows you what you’re asking for. The prenup process requires all parties to disclose, its a beneficial process for everyone even if the intent is to agree on how you do business as a family and not necessarily to keep any assets separate. I think this is essentially what you were trying to do without a legal person involved. I’m sorry this happened to you. Don’t question yourself anymore, ok?
Good luck.

I’d second the counseling suggestion. They should really be able to help get these details out in the open and mediate some of these disclosures. I wouldn’t get married with trust issues in the relationship, but I think counseling could help a ton.