Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

Beginner July 2021

Dad/stepdad dilemma

Sarah, on December 31, 2019 at 3:01 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 9

Saved

Flag
Hide content

I will try to make this short. My parents divorced when I was 13, we live in upstate NY and dad moved to Jersey at the time of the divorce to be with his girlfriend. He still lives there with her and the child they had together. As an adolescent he always made excuses to not come pick us up for visitation, never really made an effort to stay close with me and my siblings. As I got older he made me feel guilty for not visiting him in Jersey. It’s hard to put your life on hold as a young adult to go visit someone who made no effort when he was supposed to be the parent.
While my dad was not seeing my siblings and I while we were young my mother married my stepfather who had two kids when she met him. Life was crazy, my stepfather was very good to me but emotionally abusive to my brother and sister and eventually my mother divorced him. My step father is still good to me and in my life.

I don’t know if I want to invite either of them. I’m not close with my real dad so I feel like it would feel awkward to have him there. My stepdad hates my real dad and I’m afraid he’s going to start drama at the wedding if I invite them both. I don’t know what to do.

Flag
Hide content

9 Comments

Latest activity by Concetta, on January 3, 2020 at 2:52 PM

Master November 2020
Kristen · on December 31, 2019 at 3:03 PM
Flag

Hide content
Oooh that's rough and I am sorry. Not sure about the step dad because yes he was good to you but not your siblings. Is your relationship with your father Good now? You could invite him but he doesn't need to walk you down the aisle or have a first dance with you.
- Reply
VIP August 2020
Kathryn · on December 31, 2019 at 3:09 PM
Flag

Hide content
Who boy. Welcome to the "My Dad Sucks" club - unfortunately membership is free and we're all getting jackets. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. When I was deciding to include or exclude my dad, I had to take into account that he very much was part of my life before the divorce and at least phoned it in after. I love the guy despite his many, many, many flaws. My decision to include him has not been a popular one, however.

In the end, it has to be what you want. Do you want them there? Do you want one or both to walk you down the aisle? Sounds like your bio dad - real dad is subjective to your opinion - isn't that close to you. You need to weigh how you would feel not having him there. Ditto with your stepdad. Don't make decisions quickly and really think about it. I took two months to decide to allow my dad to walk me down the aisle
- Reply
Dedicated May 2021
Gabbie · on December 31, 2019 at 3:41 PM
Flag

Hide content
Theres nothing that says you need your dad there. I mean, the whole tradition of your dad walking you down the aisle started because the daughter was something of a piece of property.
To me, thats not what it means anymore, and im actually having my dad walk me and my father in law because my father in law will have lived with me by then for 2 yrs and really knows me.
Its just about picking the parental figure whos the least fickle. Have your mom walk you if you dont have a good man in your life besides your groom. It wont be offensive because they wont be there to know. Dont worry about "offense", anyway. Its your day especially when you think one might cause a scene.
- Reply
Beginner July 2021
Sarah · on December 31, 2019 at 5:47 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
I have two children and my son will be walking me down the aisle. Thanks for the advise, I’m going to have to think about what I’m going to do. I have a year and a half til the wedding so there’s time. I want both of the. There honestly but I just don’t want any drama to happen.
- Reply
VIP August 2020
Kathryn · on December 31, 2019 at 5:54 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
If you decide to have them both there, you have to explain to everyone that this is what you want and tell them your requirements for the day. I find most drama starts from miscommunication. If you want your dads there, that is definitely your right and you should be able to make it happen if you stand by what you want and tell everyone what's needed. Also make sure you sit down with everybody and explain they have to behave or else. Simple and straightforward communication should get you what you want.
- Reply
January 2014
Pam · on December 31, 2019 at 10:13 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

I agree about the stepdad and his behavior toward your siblings. Think about their feelings before you even begin to consider inviting him. I have to say, if a friend or relative was nasty to my family members, I wouldn't have anything more to do with that person.
- Reply
Super March 2020
Concetta · on January 3, 2020 at 2:31 PM
Flag

Hide content
Hi,
I am sorry that you are dealing with this. Do you have a relationship with your dad now? I am so torn on how to advise because although you may have a great relationship with step dad maybe your siblings will feel some kind of way but than hey it is your day it should be how you feel... I think either speak to step dad and say hey this is my dad no matter what and please act nice or avoid him so you can have both... or you will have to really think who will hurt you more by them not being there and choose this person to be the one to be invited
- Reply
Beginner July 2021
Sarah · on January 3, 2020 at 2:51 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
I don’t really have a strong relationship with my real dad. I am leaning towards just inviting everyone and seeing how they rsvp because we will be having the wedding three hours away from where I live which will be probably about 6-8 hours away from where my father lives. Then I will speak with whoever is coming about keeping the peace.
- Reply

Super March 2020
Concetta · on January 3, 2020 at 2:52 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

That sounds perfect
- Reply