Dad’s girlfriend, not my step mom..

It would bother me too. I would have your FH talk to his parents, and I would talk to your father. It may ruffle some feathers, but she's not your father's wife. If they both know how you feel about her that was definitely crossing a line.

I am very sorry, and would be pissed at my dad for misrepresenting the situation. I would tell fiancé that she and I are not friendly, and that she is not honest. I would be honest and tell fiancé that you hope they cancel the dinner

Do you have valid reasons to despise this woman so much? Obviously it’s none of our business, but there’s a lot missing from
this story. It sounds like her and your father are really trying to be involved and help out. Why would she want to have dinner with your in laws if not to get closer to you?

View Quoted Comment She is just the type of person that has to put her nose into everything. She is just nosey and we have never gotten along. She has always thought she should go before his kids but always puts her kids first. When my dad does put his children first she throws it in his face, and makes him feel guilty for it.

View Quoted Comment My FH knows how I feel, my dad brought it up to him as if my dad was going to reach out to them himself. My FMIL knows how I feel now, she said that she knows she’s not my mom and that if she tries to over step any more boundaries she will say something. My dad’s girlfriend just is a nosey oblivious person, she thinks she needs to be involved in everything. Sometimes I feel like she doesn’t have the common sense to realize what she does is wrong, but also like you’re not my mom, you have your own kids and you can plan their weddings but you don’t need to be involved in mine.

View Quoted Comment

I would feel the exact same way. My soon-to-be stepdaughter is getting married sometime next year and I know i'm not her mom and I have no intention of trying to get involved. She has nothing to do with us anyway. I will just go and smile and be polite

Is your dad helping pay for the wedding? Why should he be contacting them wrt planning? Is the wedding in Oregon or Montana?

I think I would reach out to my dad and tell him you don’t appreciate him misrepresenting what the number was for and tell him you don’t want her involved in your wedding planning. Unless she’s paying she needs to stay out of it.

I understand how you feel. My parents are also divorced and my dad has since remarried, with the woman he left my mom for. I don't keep in contact with him - his condition for keeping in contact with us is to talk to her. I refuse. I would talk to your dad and tell him that you know that his girlfriend got in contact with you FH's family, ask for an explanation, and remind him that it is not her place to do so. You could also remind his girlfriend of that, but I guess I don't know if you're on speaking terms. I'm glad your FH's parents know the situation now, so they know to avoid her advances in the future if it makes you uncomfortable. I'm so sorry, that's incredibly frustrating. Fellow child of divorce, so always here to talk!

View Quoted Comment It’s in Oregon since that’s where we’re both from. He said he has felt left out of wedding planning, but anytime I bring anything up he just doesn’t act interested. I think it was his girlfriend pushing him to get involved which apparently means she has to be involved? I don’t know.. 🤦🏻‍♀️

View Quoted Comment It’s it’s just so frustrating. I asked my dad if he honestly thought it was a good idea to have his girlfriend contact my FMIL and he said he didn’t even think twice about it... I’m just like have you lost your marbles? I feel like she did it because she knows it would get under my skin, I just hate that she has to butt into everything, especially with her knowing how I feel about her 😅

View Quoted Comment

I would tell him you were extremely disappointed that he mispresented why he wanted FMIL's number.

View Quoted Comment Some people are just a) oblivious or b) malicious. I’m sorry you have to deal with her :/ I would just keep reminding her (and your dad) that you have made your stance clear and don’t feel respected. I’m sorry

Wow. I won't even invite my father's wife to my wedding. Also haven't spoken to my dad in 4 years because of her up until 3 days ago via email, just letting him know I'm engaged and I miss my dad. But if she did that, I'd be throwing a TANTRUM.

View Quoted Comment You have to invite her to the wedding. Especially if HER husband is paying for half. I'd never allow him to come without me.

View Quoted Comment Ummmm my dad isn’t paying a penny for my wedding. So you have no idea what you’re talking about.

Disregarding message stuff above ... If your father did not see anything wrong with it, perhaps he did not see anything that was not as usual. It is most common for parents or family, godparents, whoever, from one family to meet the other family for a dinner. My parents invited my groom's since they had never met. And etiquette book will suggest that each family meet the other well before the wedding. And whether you like it or not, your Dad has designated her as his SO, the other half of a couple. And given her hostess of the family duties. She may arrange most social things. You expect your family to accept whoever you love, even if they cannot stand him. And to be polite to him and his family. He and you are now a package deal. And your father has every right to expect the same courtesy from you. For 9 years, she has been his choice of companion. They may never marry. But if in their relationship he let's her take care of social contacts, that is his choice, not yours. You are not a dependent child now. You and your dad are each half of a couple, and need to graciously accept the other's chosen partner. Or break contact with your Dad. He need not put up with you being rude to his SO, trying to cut her out. Ever. If he sees it as a perfectly normal thing for him and SO to meet his parents, then please leave it alone. It is a positive gesture. Don't read evil thoughts into it. Whether a stepmother, or a long term companion, Dad has chosen for her to be a part of his life. Accept both, or discontinue all family contact.

View Quoted Comment Right, and I get all that.. but it would be one thing if she was doing it because she does all of the social planning but that’s not what she did. She knows I don’t like her and she will purposely go out of her way to do things that get under my skin. She does them to my brother as well. It’s just who she is, She knows I would not have wanted her involved at all. She’s not my mother, she’s not paying anything towards me wedding there is no need for her to be involved at all.

I am editing my previous comment because I don't know her or you or how everything went down. My best advice is: she comes with your Dad as part of the package. Whether you like or or not, you have to deal with her. As a future step-mom, I'm really, really, really thankful that my step daughters to be love and accept me. You would be so surprised how often people forget about the step-mom (teachers, parents from my girls' schools, basically everyone), or think I'm not important enough to include...keep that in mind. She may not be married to your Dad, but she's been there for 9 years and you don't know how she may feel unless you pursue a relationship with her.

View Quoted Comment Her and I have had multiple discussions. And maybe had she and my dad got together when I was younger it would be different. But also I don’t want a relationship with her because of malicious things she has done to our family, therefore a chance of her having a relationship with us is a no from me.