Long post ahead.
I am struggling on what to do. TLDR: I don't know if I should invite my toxic mother to my wedding
My mother and I used to be very close until August. We had a fight, and she said some things to me that are nearly unforgivable. There is a lot to unpack here so settle in for a long story, that is going to require a lot of backstory. I'll break it up into pieces to, hopefully, get the whole picture across.
Here are the pieces
1. I was in an abusive relationship for two years, where I was verbally, physically, emotionally and sexually abused. I was 19, and he was 23. He stalked me for a year previously and even went so far as to move a block away from me. I was dating someone else during this time and had no idea he did that until later. My family knew something wasn't right, but they didn't know the extent to which it went. Until one night, my ex beat my puppy nearly to death, and had a mental break down. I finally called my mom and dad asked for help.
My mom knew about my ex's mental health issues, and even drove me to his house and dropped me off, and told me to "talk it out with him" after I told her I had broken up with him and he was threatening to kill himself.
While in this relationship, my grades in college slipped as he forced me to not attend. He would hold a gun to my head if I tried to go to class or he would throw things at me or hit me when I tried to do homework. I was on academic probation.
However, I was able to make it out and I ended up graduating with two degrees and honors! I took 25 credit hour semesters while working two jobs and an internship. I had to take out a small loan of only 5,000 to help pay for one semester while getting my scholarships back. My mom was the cosigner on this loan.
2. I met my now fiance and he got accepted into Cornell for his PhD at only 21. We planned to move out to NY from WY together for his school. This was not a surprise to anyone, and I tried talking to my mom about it. She would completely shut down and said she wasn't happy for me. She didn't want me to sell any of my things and demanded I give them to her. She still has a flat screen TV sitting outside in Wyoming that she wanted me to give to her.
This caused a lot of drama in my family. It made no sense. I have two older brothers who both had moved away at 18. Never did she throw this kind of fit. She called me selfish, and said she hoped we failed so I would come back to Wyoming.
3. My mother does not take care of her animals. She has 8 dogs and 3 of them in the past year have been ran over because of her carelessness. She leaves them in cages for 12+ hours a day and there is always pee or poop all over the house from their accidents. I have tried to call the police, but technically, she isn't breaking any laws in Wyoming.
When my childhood cat died, she didn't tell me for MONTHS until I asked how she was. She blamed me for not asking about her more. My cat was only 7, so I didn't think anything could have been wrong with her at all, let alone her dying.
4. I suffer from depression, OCD, PTSD, anxiety, social phobia and panic attack disorder. I begged my mother growing up to take me to get help but she refused and claimed nothing was wrong. I was cutting at age 15 and she yelled at me to "grow up because this isn't how you deal with things" and refused to speak about my mental health ever again. Oh, did I mention she is a nurse who works in the mental health until? Ironic, huh?
5. My oldest brother is a convicted felon because he had possession and distributed child pornography. He didn't have money for the lawyer so my mom took out a loan for $30,000 for him, bought him a new truck and drive three hours to see him every weekend. I do not keep in contact with my oldest brother for obvious reasons. My dad is the one who has to pay back the bill and neither my brother or mom has helped.
My mother has always been really manipulative and I didn't realize the extent until recently. I was traveling back home to help a friend move across the country and I had found out a dog had gotten run over and she hadn't told me. I confronted her and she said she was planning on telling me in person when I was going to see her for literally 20 minutes before driving cross country.
When I boarded my flight, I ended up having an extremely bad panic attack. My heart rate was over 190 and I lost consciousness many times. The flight was just about to be leaving and the plane had to taxi back so I could have medical attention.
This is what triggered the flight. I've attached screen shots of the conversation to save some time. Ben, is the dog that got ran over.
We had a two hour long conversation on the phone that she screamed at me, blamed me for everything and basically lost control of herself. She told me it was my fault I was in the abusive relationship and I should have just left. I told her he threatened to kill me if I did. She said she would be better off.
She told me her animals are perfectly taken care of, and I am an awful dog mom for moving my animals with me to NY. She told me she never wanted me to leave and was hoping Id get in a wreck (i did actually) and wouldn't be able to go.
I believe she suffers from BPD and I told her I need her to go talk to a therapist and make a plan of action. She told me she doesn't believe in therapists and doesn't need to get better.
We haven't spoken since that night. My dad and her are still together and he has told me some of the comments she has made to my dad, such as telling him he has spent too much money on the wedding (it's less than 1/4 of the lawyer fees for my brother), that my fiance should just pay for everything (he is in school, and I make more than he does anyway), that she isn't coming to the wedding.
My dad really wants me to patch things up, and I have tried. I don't know what to do. I know if I don't invite her, it's a choice I will have to live with my whole life. But, I also don't know if I want someone at my wedding who has treated me this way.
If you're still reading, thank you and please let me know what you would do.
