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David
Beginner November 2020

Creepy future fil

David, on March 1, 2020 at 8:43 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 12
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It really hurts to share all this but i’m honestly super torn... for context i have to preface this with my fiancé and i are both trans men (born female, transitioned to male. keep nasty comments to yourselves pls!). fiancés father still sees us both as women is the first problem, but that’s something i’m used to from people. the bigger problem is he’s a gigantic disgusting creep and proud of it. he’s always touchy with me, makes comments on my appearance and uses words like “gorgeous” or other gross things i won’t even say making my skin crawl because that is my fiancé’s father!!! we hug goodbye and he tries to go in for a kiss!! i dodge it and he kissed my neck i do not feel comfortable around him and it’s not only myself he acts this way around. he’s always making comments about his wife’s sisters body or random girls he sees and even his own CHILD. we just visited and he said his son was turning into a “stone cold fox” and a “sexy lady” and kept asking him to go stand next to him... we even came home early from dinner bc i was feeling so uneasy and he comes back asking us if we were “having crazy wild sex” like... in what world is any of this okay.... anyways bottom line is i am terrified and uncomfortable around this man, i don’t want to be around him any more than i have to, and i do NOT want him around my family (he’s made comments about my sisters already seeing photos of them and i feel like he would say nasty things to my TEENAGE nieces as well. i will not have them go through that). my problem is my fiancé knows he’s a creep but it’s still his father and he still wants him at the wedding.... i don’t know what to do about this and am honestly torn on how to handle it... it honestly makes me almost not want a wedding if he’s going to be there

12 Comments

Latest activity by Heather , on March 2, 2020 at 1:19 PM
  • N
    VIP September 2020
    Neeva ·
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    Wow that is horrible! I think you need to sit down with your fiance and have a legit conversation about how this makes you uncomfortable.

    I would consider eloping or not inviting ffil (which would be super difficult I'm sure). Hope you all can come to a solution!

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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    This was going to be my suggestion. Does your fiance want him there because he feels like it will cause family issues or out of guilt or out of genuine love for him? I do not think I would continue to have someone like that in my life (family or not) because that is not right. I am sorry he is not respecting you both and treating you as the gentlemen you want and deserved to be treated as. Have you two considered eloping as Neeva said?

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  • David
    Beginner November 2020
    David ·
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    Thank you Smiley heart i tried to have a conversation with him once we got home but he cut me off saying “that’s my dad you can’t ask me to not invite him” which i understand, so i may try talking it over again once the stress from the trip calms down to see what he thinks could work? he knows it’s a real problem
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  • David
    Beginner November 2020
    David ·
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    Thank you for the support Smiley heart i know his dad does have a history of guilting him so i’m gonna try and talk with him again once emotions are settled a bit... honestly i don’t think i’d want to elope (though maybe as a last resort) because it would feel like punishing both of our entire families who have been there for us because of one person which isn’t fair
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  • Kirsten
    Devoted October 2020
    Kirsten ·
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    Exactly what the pps said. Can you talk to your FH about this in more heartfelt depth? Does he say why he feels his father should be there, when the guy is obviously a lecherous creep and doesn't respect you or your life together? I'm so sorry you're dealing with this!
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  • K
    Devoted July 2021
    Kendra ·
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    That is absolutely horrible the things you mentioned! Perhaps maybe have a conversation with your fiancé suggesting to have a conversation with his father and let him know how uncomfortable his comments make everyone feel uncomfortable. Hopefully he can either keep it to a minimum at the wedding or not at all.
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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I agree to that and if at the end of the day you two want the full wedding experience, you deserve it and I feel to have someone disrespectful there is not worth it. That unfortunately is a decision for your fiance and I hate to say it but if he wants the dad there that may be one day you allow it but I feel the fiance for sure needs to tell the dad that his actions are not cool and maybe even to limit conversation with you that day. Maybe have someone there to remove him if things go crazy.

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  • Givemeallthepups
    Expert February 2020
    Givemeallthepups ·
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    I am so sorry you’re having to deal with this. Yes, he is your fiancé’s dad, but you are your fiancé’s partner.


    I wouldn’t want someone there that makes me uncomfortable on my wedding day—regardless of the dna they happen to share with my fiancé.
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  • D
    Dedicated October 2018
    Deb ·
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    If he does go to the wedding is there Anyone in your fiancés family that could keep an eye on him? My friend’s grandfather sounds just like your FFIL. His grandmother would not come to the wedding without him. A couple of us kept our eye on him all night and interrupted when he got near someone he might say something inappropriate to. I hope you work this out. No one should put up with that garbage.

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  • Alejandra
    Super November 2021
    Alejandra ·
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    Wow, he’s disgusting. And it’s so so tough between one of you wanting him there and the other not. I would say he sounds like a toxic person that shouldn’t be around either of you. And I don’t think not understanding that you are men and granting you the decency of accepting that (whether he agrees or not) is enough of a reason to exclude him. Can you and your fiancé go to couples counseling to get through this and maybe show him why his dad should not be at the wedding?
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  • Alejandra
    Super November 2021
    Alejandra ·
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    Sorry, I meant to say that him not understanding* is a good enough reason to exclude him from the wedding. My bad! That sentence came out weird.
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  • Heather
    Expert August 2020
    Heather ·
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    I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this!! Of course your fiancé would still want him at the wedding, as his father, but they’re needs to be some boundaries set. Do you have a good relationship with your FMIL? If so, I would have you and your fiancé start with her and explain to her your feelings so this way it doesn’t come off as an attack when you all confront him on his gross behavior. Normally I would just be out with it, that his comments make me uncomfortable, but because it’s a tender subject being your FFIL, I would try that route. Good luck!!
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