covid and fmil Help

I totally understand your situation unfortunately. When my husband and I got engaged, it was a switch flipped in my mother-in-law's brain. She suddenly was acting like a totally different person. Like your future mother-in-law, mine had an opinion on everything. It drove me insane. She even tried to tell us when we could plan to have a baby because apparently she thought she had the right to decide that for us. Finally, having enough I told my husband I was going to lose it on her if she didn't stop. Both of us had told her time and time again our wedding and plans for our family were our decision and our decision only. He must have talked to her after I told if I was going to lose it because her hold attitude changed. She suddenly kept her opinion to herself. Has your fiance tried talking to her about her behavior? If so and that hasn't worked then I agree with your mom that you should avoid talking to her about anything wedding related.

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Thank you for your response and support. He tried last night but she immediately got defensive and denied everything so it wasn't productive. I think that by me now putting my foot down and not sharing wedding details or taking part in conversation, she will hopefully take the hint that her behavior is not acceptable and is not helpful anyone in the situation. He understands where I am coming from and did not try to argue against me standing up for myself.

You're absolutely doing the right thing by cutting her off from the planning process. The information train should no longer be stopping at her place, so to say. This seems like a mild case, but it *could* be indicative of problems to come with FMIL. I'd recommend googling DWIL nation and having a look at their forums--they're incredibly helpful in this category.

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I love what you said about the "information train" - so true! No stops anymore. My Mom did give me the heads up that if I do not put an end to things now and stand up for myself then I could be setting myself up for other things down the road. My wedding planner has also been amazing about all of this and had a similar issue with her MIL when they were planning. She also advised to distance myself for a while to give myself some peace but also show that her behavior and negativity won't be acknowledged. I will have to google the DWIL Nation though. Thank you!

We dealt with a lot of this too. It's truly so difficult. Wedding planning is stressful as it is but then to have constant comments AND in a pandemic situation is beyond comprehension for me. Our situation also ended up in a big blowout about 3 months into our engagement (this was 1 year ago now). Ultimately I found the less things I share, the less there is to complain about. It worked out for the best that way. You are doing the right thing for everyone involved. When you are working on something you don't care too much about (for me that was table numbers, card box, etc... little things), you can ask her opinion so she feels involved but then you aren't at risk of being hurt.

Setting boundaries is so important and I'm glad to hear you're doing that. Where is your fiance in this? Does he recognize that there is an issue? Has he tried speaking to his mother?

Hi Laura,

I'm sorry you're dealing with your future MIL on top of postponing and planning your wedding. Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon issue, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating.

I agree with the PP. Sometimes weddings don't bring out the best in people, and this could be a preview of future challenges with your MIL.

Wishing you the best of luck as you navigate this relationship!

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Thank you for support. I am really sticking to not sharing anything and my fiancé is the same. It made me think of my two older brothers who were married and my parents were nothing but supportive and go with the flow since they respected the wishes of their in-laws and the bride and groom. Never was there issue from them on little, nit-picky things or needing to be in control. I've made a vow (ha!) to myself to not share details with her and to let her do what she wants with the RD since they are covering that. The other stuff my fiancé, Mom, and I have got covered. I find anytime I send her something for an opinion it turns into a snowball of five things that she isn't happy with. What upsets me most is that she compares how we are planning to what she has seen from other weddings yet she tries to backtrack by saying "Well it's not my wedding"..."Well I can't have an opinion." It's just so passive aggressive and immature.

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My fiancé is being as supportive as he can. He agreed that wedding talk and details has to stop with her and that if questions are asked or it gets too intense, it's going to be a "We've got a handle on things." She threw a fit that her name would not be mentioned in our wedding invitation and she is not even hosting the wedding or contributing to anything other than the RD. If it does not resolve or calm down, he is going to keep telling her to calm down since it is too much stress for everyone and isn't necessary. What upsets me is I am not sure if she is acting like this because she wants things to be seen as "perfect" to her friends or if she just wants to control everything. Regardless, I am setting the boundaries now.

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You're right - and I hear I thought it would be hard to agree on things between my Mom and I but so far our only disagreement was what should be on the dessert table I've decided that I am going to distance myself for the time being and we are not going to share details with her any longer. I am not sure if she is coming from a place of needing to be in control or if she is concerned how her friends will see the wedding, but that's not my problem. We care that those who are coming are dear to us, can eat and drink, and dance all night. What else is a wedding for?!

It can be a bit frustrating having in-law issues, My mil has said a few snide comments and done some questionable things to me. I am seeing a side of her that I never seen before. My Sister in law had to live with her for a few months so her and my bother in law could save money for a house. She said I haven't seen nothing yet she can get nasty. Needless to say that they are so glad to be out of her house and into a house of their own. My mil is lazy and has been dropping laundry off to our house for my husband and I do for her knowing that we are both working very long hours outside of the home during this crazy covid19 crisis and she hasn't even once offered to buys us laundry detergent or dryer sheets. She kind of just expects us to do everything for her because she lives on her own. She works and is fully capable of doing her own laundry she goes to work every day but after work sits on facebook all day. And she'll call us if her laundry isnt done when she needs it to be done. Needless to say I have some resentment towards her.