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Kristen
Master November 2020

Cost of wedding gift: Informative read

Kristen, on December 18, 2019 at 10:17 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 1 14

So I am posting this read because recently I have seen many discussions in regards to how much to give as a wedding gift or how some people feel based on the amount of the gift they received. I had heard for years that the cost of a wedding gift should be the amount of the plate which never sat right with me because then in my opinion I am paying to eat at your wedding when I did not have an opinion on what you are feeding me. Gifts are of course a nice gesture to be invited to someone's big day I do agree but I do not feel there should be an expected amount. I always wondered if that was a real rule or some odd etiquette rule that got invented. Came across this article. Thoughts?

https://www.theknot.com/content/wedding-gift-etiquette-cover-plate-rule

14 Comments

Latest activity by Kristen, on December 19, 2019 at 6:23 AM
  • Anna
    Super August 2020
    Anna ·
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    I agree with the fact that "cover your plate" doesn't make sense, but mainly because the plate is usually way more than people think. In my area, the cost is usually between $175-$220 per person for a wedding. I don't except at all that that's what people will give as a gift.
    To me, the monetary sum I am gifting is a gift for the couple as they begin their future together. I don't give less for a buffet wedding (which would be cheaper) than I would for an upscale plated dinner wedding. I give based on my relationship to the couple. I would give less to my co-worker than I would to my best friend. I don't think there needs to be general rules around this: my fiancé and I just decided on the amounts that work for us.

    This is also different between cultures/countries. My fiancé is East Indian and his family regularly gives over $1,000 to family member weddings. Some of the older generation on my side think giving cash is taboo and will only give gifts. I went to a wedding in Holland for my cousin this past summer and although we had travelled to be there, my parents and I gave a total gift of $600. They were shocked at how much we gave and thought it was outrageous... but it equals out to $200 per person for a close family member.. so that was normal for us.

    Anyways, those are just some examples of how there can't really be any hard and fast rules.

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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I agree because I do believe it is to help the couples start their marriage but honestly I have been to weddings where I barely speak to the person and some of close friends. I like that it mentioned to not judge the cost. The last two weddings I know the plates were not even $40/pp. One was a build your own burger and one was party platters from Publix. That was fine because that is what they could afford. I gave more and really at that time I was the sole bread winner of my house as my FH was in between jobs so I could not give much for us two. I just dislike that there is a price tag on how much anyone should give as a gift. :/

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  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
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    I’ve actually never heard of the “cover your plate” concept and that makes no sense to me. LOL!!! As the article mentions, who goes around telling their guests how much they’re paying per plate?


    I realize that I have an unpopular opinion about gifts. But for me, what FH and I selected as our budget has nothing to do with our guests. Why would couples make guests feel as though we planned the whole wedding for THEM... and therefore, the guests should be thanking US? That’s completely backwards! Weddings are planned for the COUPLE, and guests are invited to celebrate with them. Technically, no one needs a big celebration to get married. You can do that at the JOP with no one around.


    Also, most invitations have some type of wording that says “join us”… “Come celebrate with us”... etc. And save the dates are sent out early, asking guests to block out time in their lives to focus on us and attend our wedding. So when couples invite guests to weddings they planned for themselves, I feel like the ”thanks” goes to the guests for taking the time out of their schedule to celebrate and be present at the union.


    Guests shouldn’t be invited in an attempt to recoup a portion of the funds spent on the wedding. That’s crazy! So if a guest brings a gift (of any cost) it’s a nice gesture, but not mandatory and it definitely shouldn’t be expected. Think about it... if a gift is the way for a guest to thank the couple for spending money on them, then why send a thank you card back to them for the gift? You paid for their dinner and they brought a gift to “cover the plate” and to thank the couple… then it’s done and it’s all a wash, right? NO!!!!! You send a thank you card out of appreciation for them doing something that they didn’t have to do.


    The problem is that too many couples are planning weddings that they can’t afford. It’s all wonderful during the planning phase. But a day or two after the wedding, they realize that all of the money they spent is gone within a few hours. Then that’s when couples gets slapped with a reality and hope that the gifts will at least help cover some of the money that they spent. All the wedding joy turns to “wedding blues”, bitter anger, buyer’s remorse, gift shaming and keeping tabs on all the people who didn’t get you something (in return for spending thousands of dollars that they didn’t have). Sometimes it rises to the point of couples being upset at guests afterward. All over a damn gift???


    This is long and as mentioned at the beginning, I have a very unpopular and strong views about “Rules” surrounding gifts. So I don’t expect many to agree. But I’m more into the beautiful time celebrating with family and friends, than I am about gifts.


    And the funny thing is that some couples have engagement parties, multiple bridal showers, bachelorette parties, etc. (where gifts are usually given) all before having the actual wedding (where they’re expecting even more gifts from the same people). 🤦🏽‍♀️


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  • Kelly
    Super October 2019
    Kelly ·
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    I've actually usually cover my plate (or close to it) - even before I got married, or started planning. But that is up to a certain price (depends on location, day of the week, time of the day, etc.). For Saturday nights in the spring/summer/fall I usually gift $150 per person, for Saturday lunch/brunch I gift $100 per person, for Sunday & Friday nights I gift $115 per person (i.e. me & my husband).

    My one friend had a $300 per plate meal - that was too high for me, so I still only gave $150. So it's one of those things that I don't have a hard rule on.

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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    LOL You and I have the same mindset. That is why I finally decided to look who where that rule came from. I heard a couple of friends over the year say that and when I did not give that much a part of me felt bad but now that I know it is something that some people invented I do not lol. I agree I am spending money on gifts prior to and the price one chooses to spend on the reception is up to them. I have always felt if I pay the cost per plate then I am paying you back for your reception that you planned and decided to spend money on. I agree with everything you said. Well said!

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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I do not think it is bad to cover the cost of the plate if that is what the person feels. That is fine. Some people definitely give more and that is sweet. I just dislike that there are people that feel that is the standard especially when some weddings I have attended the plate of food and drinks was not worth $100/plate. Plus I love how toe article mentions that if that was the standard then basically someone who chose a more cost effective reception for their budget should get less and that is not right. I say give what you can and want but it should not be the expectation because then some couples do get offended when one person did not get that much. I am living a decent life but I am not rich to where I would spend $200 for my FH and I to attend a wedding. We do that maybe once or twice a year and in that case we eat at places where we are going to get $200 worth the food ha ha ha.

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  • M
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
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    I have heard about the idea of covering your plate. however i do agree i would not know what that amount is aha just because it could vary so widely and be more or less than you think.

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  • Kelly
    Super October 2019
    Kelly ·
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    I think that weddings are just rough all around. Yes, you should have the wedding that you can afford, and you shouldn't expect anyone to pay for the wedding that you want. However, there is a lot of outside pressure from families, friends, social media, heck sometimes this form that comes up, and it really hard to stick to a budget.

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  • Cher Horowitz
    Master December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
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    I personally feel strange going to a wedding without even a card! However, I understand some people don't feel the same. We are so blessed to receive the gifts we got from guests, but we were even more blessed to have our loved ones celebrate our wedding day with us Smiley smile

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  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
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    Lol!!! Most of the wedding “rules” are made up or super outdated anyway 🙄 But brides end up running around like crazy trying to fulfill these ridiculous “rules”. One person posted above saying that they feel pressure around weddings. I view that as being self-inflicted stress. There’s nothing that social media or these forums can MAKE me do because I’m not a follower and I don’t fold to peer pressure. Sadly they’re stressing out, trying to impress others... then broke as hell after the honeymoon and starting their newlywed life in debt and mad because their aunt didn’t get them a gift. Lol!



    If FH and I end up with zero gifts, I will be totally fine and every guest will still get a thank you card because I appreciate them sharing the special moment with us. Quite frankly, when it comes to wedding gifts, there’s nothing that a guest can give me that I either 1) don’t already have 2) can’t get myself or 3.) that I truly need anyway.
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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I completely agree with you and fact if I really want to the wedding comparing otherwise I've been to or what I seen on social media I would definitely drop some cash but considering that we're trying to upgrade our house and all of that I just can't justify because we would be paying for it ourselves.
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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    You know you know I was talking to my friend about the topic and she and I both agree that any wedding gifts we give it's more just the thought behind you are trying to help the couple start off their married life. And it's fine some people might only be able to do a card which I feel at least it's some kind of acknowledgement. Again any reception I go to I'm happy to give a gift it's just disappointing to see people putting a price tag on the value of my gift and whether it's deemed worthy or not.
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  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
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    I've always heard this rule, and never once been able to afford to abide by it. In my area, a plate can start at well over $100 (our wedding was "cheap" at $150/head), and can be many times that, depending on the venue.

    DH and I have always given gifts, but we usually go by the registry. We either pick one big gift in our budget, or combine a bunch of little things to send together. All our friends do this, and no one has a problem.

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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I agree I usually cannot afford 100 to $150 per head and I'm sorry to sound horrible but even if I could I just wouldn't give that much. As I research wedding receptions and I just see how much they charge per plate at the my head that is not worth that price you are charging that price because of the wedding. I only started giving cash at weddings cuz my mom told me years ago that sometimes the bride and groom are on a destination or may take off for their honeymoon so having to bring a bunch of physical gifts could be stressful. I feel most people are appreciative if you get anything but I've seen a couple of post here where some people are comparing the amount of gifts to what others gave and at the end of the day I still feel that that is right and they usually bring it back to how much they spent on the wedding. And I just always feel that was your choice to spend what you spend but now you're hoping that people are going to basically pay so you can recoup some of those expenses and I still like the mindset that some people feel that we need to pay for their wedding we need to pick the reception. That is why that ruled never sat well with me.
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