Controlling fmil

Can you pick a night to do something with his family? Then a night with just the two of you. Maybe let her know what night you can all hang out.

Maybe ask him to take leave for a few days somewhere else but home with you? Ask him to take leave so you two can have a mini vacation together. Sans overbearing step mom. Going home sometimes for leave isnt worh it when people you haven't seen in a while get upset you dont spend every minute with them. Which leads to other people getting upset because you wont have time to see them as well. Been there, done that

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Every time he takes leave we spend literally EVERY single day of the week with his family. I like them and we get along very well, but I don't want to spend every day he's here with them and it sucks because I also don't want to say anything and them think I'm trying to be selfish. We've been to two vacations together and she starts complaining that he never wants to spend time with her and he's always too far up my a** blah blah. Sometimes she even sounds like his girlfriend and it's crazy haha One time he came home without telling anyone and it was great because we got to spend alone time together without him having to worry about splitting his time. Hopefully when he comes home this next time things are different as he "said they would be." I doubt it, but ohh well I guess I have to wait and see.

She sounds like shes jealous. Does everyone know when the next time he's coming home?

When I come home from leave, my folks go ballistic if I dont eat dinner every night with them. So usually I'll give them a fake arrival date so I can spend the first couple of days of my leave with my friends that I haven't seen since boot camp with them crying that I dont spend time with them and blowing up my phone.

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He's deployed right now and he told me he comes home in November and we were planning on me going down there when he got to the post since it's only 3 hours away and spending the weekend together just the two of us. But there might be a change of plans and they might go straight back to AZ and I would have to buy a plane ticket and pay for hotel and we are on a tight budget right now with the wedding

That's how she is she goes crazy if he's not with her ever second of the day.

View Quoted Comment Maybe you and him can travel half way to each to alleviate some of the driving? But he'll probably be exhausted from his deployment for a while.

Hmm, if I were in this particular situation, the next time he comes home I would just let him know you made plans for just you and him to be together, and if he still thinks you guys are obligated to hang out with his family and step mom, I would just pass and say you prefer to spend your time together alone for once, and see what he says. If he leaves you and still goes to see his step mom and refuses to take time for the both of you, well, that raises a red flag to me. But you could also talk to her? Maybe let her know how much it would mean to you to have time alone with him.

This is a FH problem, not a FMIL problem. She controls him because he lets her. Are you comfortable marrying someone who can’t establish boundaries and doesn’t make you his top priority? If not, I would have a serious conversation with your FH. This would be a huge red flag for me.

View Quoted Comment This. He is a grown man, and never sets aside time for you, without his changing ,going along with her plans. He is not ready to even be going steady high school style, much less thinking about getting married. Perhaps being long distance all this time suits him because he is certainly not committed to you. You are worth more than this. Don't put your life on hold, accepting his occasional attention long distance, when he cannot put you first even on short visits. He sounds like a married man who is having an affair. Keeping you dangling, wanting you available. But honey, he is " sleeping with his wife". That is , available to his mom more than you, for all his talk. And really not emotionally involved with you. When you are no longer long distance, he will likely drop you for someone he wants to be with more. Let him go. Tell him you want more out of life than his never kept promises. Find a man who wants to be with you so much he let's nothing and no one keep him from giving and accepting undivided attention to you/ from you. Do yourself a favor, and find out how it is with someone who passionately cares for you. To him, you are conveniently available when he is around. Maybe that is all he is capable of. Or maybe he needs to grow up. But taking second seat to his step mom on the rare occasions he sees you? No. Just, no.

I agree with Caitlyn.
My FH is Navy so I understand them having limited time available, but that was never a problem for us. I was and always will be his first priority. At the beginning of our relationship, he was stationed 4 hours away from where I lived and would drive every single weekend to see me. When he got back from deployment, we spent a week on a road trip together. Everyone else had to wait. His friends are my friends so he was able to see them too, but there were definitely times where his mom would be upset or his friends, but spending time with me was more important to him. So this isn't a FMIL problem, it's a FH problem. And if he doesn't prioritize you now, you need to reconsider marriage. By the time you get married, you as a couple should already have your basic boundaries established and it's really clear that you don't. And you should never be in a situation where you clearly think his step mom is jealous of you as a lover/girlfriend/fiance and that she wants to be that role instead. Lots of red flags. A lot of military marriages don't work out because they've been rushed, take the time and effort to make sure you're not part of the statistic. Depending on his rate, maybe he can get BAH and you guys can live together before you get married so you really get to know what he's like without his step mom being involved.
I understand wanting to get married quickly so you can live together/go where they go, but rarely have I seen that work out happily. If you're jealous/insecure of his step mom now, just wait until you're in the toxic environment of living on base where cheating is an every day occurrence. I'd be careful, for the sake of your happiness.

View Quoted Comment This. You made two posts about your FMIL today but she isn’t the issue. Your FH and his inability or his lack of desire to set boundaries is the issue. My ex-husband is military. When he returned from trainings or deployments, I came first. ALWAYS. The first 72 hours he was home were mine and mine alone. No phone calls, no text messages, no friends and no family. Just the two of us reconnecting. The fact that your FH sets zero boundaries and says it’ll be different next time is the problem.

I agree with PPs. FH is allowing your FMIL to walk all over him. It's time to have a very serious discussion about boundaries

I also agree with pp's. You SHOULD be worried this won't change after marriage. Your FH is in charge of his relationship with her and he isn't saying no. You get limited time and need to be #1. It doesn't mean cutting her out just cutting back some.