Considering calling it off

He's an ass and you deserve better. Hope this doesn't violate rules. My divorce from my first husband was one of the best things that happened to me. But I knew it wasn't right. We had gotten married in secret so everyone else thought we just broke up the engagement. If you have even SOME doubt, DON'T DO IT. You're young and lovely and you have plenty of time to find someone who deserves you. Love yourself first.


I'm rooting for you whatever you decide. <<Hugs>>

I'm sorry you're going through this. This pandemic is so stressful for everyone and everyone handles it differently. Listen to your gut. It will never steer you wrong. My feeling is that if you're having problems in your relationship now that are you causing you to have doubts about your marriage it's best to put everything on hold until you figure things out. Maybe couples counseling can help you figure it out. Don't go through with it because you don't want to hear 'I told you so ' or because you'd be embarrassed to break it off. Better now than later and have to go through an ugly divorce. Good luck!

View Quoted Comment I appreciate you sharing your experience with me. It feels like I'm all alone doing this, but it's good to remember that other people have also had hard relationship decisions and that they were able to move on. Need the reassurance

View Quoted Comment If he's willing, couples counseling could help. I truly think he is struggling with his plans changing and things not going his way. I grew up with a sibling with a serious disability, so I am used to changing plans and not sweating the small stuff. I think it's also just a maturity thing that he may need to work on, with or without me

View Quoted Comment I think this is true. When a couple is young, men tend to be less mature than women. And you’ve had a double dose of maturity with a disabled sibling. Counseling and potentially a breakup is better than marriage/immaturity/divorce.


My sister broke up with her boyfriend and after six months he grew up and they’re now happily married. I broke up with my college boyfriend and it took him several years to grow up.. at which point I had already moved on. Covid is just one life’s challenges, he’s either mature enough to deal with it or he’s not. In life there are plenty: kids, death if a family member, job loss, health issues, all kinds of stuff. You sound wise to realize he might not be ready. 🤗

View Quoted Comment Inbox me any time

PPs have said it best, if you have any doubts listen to your gut!!! You know what’s best for you!

My fiancé and I started dating in ‘99 & were together for 11 yrs before we broke up. We were apart for 6 yrs & during that time we both grew up a lot. We got back together in ‘16, got engaged in ‘19 & will get married on 4/3/21. Our relationship is sooo much better than it was before. Taking responsibility & really talking about our issues has strengthened our relationship.
My daughter was engaged but broke it off after 6 months. She called me, crying because she didn’t know what to do. I will ask you the same question I asked her, what is your gut telling you to do? Always listen to your gut! She broke it off & eventually she found the person she’s meant to be with. Good luck beautiful!

If you have doubts, slow down until you’re sure. If it’s necessary, keep in mind that it’s easier to end an engagement than a marriage. However, none of us know all the ins and outs of your relationship. So that’s a very personal situation for you to decide upon. Counseling might certainly be helpful. But, the main thing is to be certain.

Made the mistake of marrying the wrong guy 10 days after my 26th birthday. I had four kids with him and left when the baby was one and the nine and 12 year olds outlined his abuse of them to me. It’s now been nearly a decade of hostility with the three oldest refusing to ever see him. If there are problems now, it is doubtful that they will improve with the “comfort and security” of marriage. Marriage makes a lot of abuses “okay” in the eyes of the law. I finally found my soulmate. He is 22 years my senior and I know he is a gentleman.

Don’t get married until you’re sure about it. If you’re having these feelings, at the very least hold off for the foreseeable future. Your intuition always knows what is best.
I was with a man for six years. We had a ring but never followed through. Towards the end, I kept having moments where I would feel in my gut that “I can’t do this forever.” He was and is a wonderful guy, but he wasn’t the right guy for me. It’s better to realize it before you’re married. Being tied into a lease together with lots of items that belonged to both of us was difficult enough. I couldn’t even imagine having to do a divorce.

That said, couples counseling would be a good first step. Separate therapies for each of you is also a good idea. If these issues are solely Covid related and did not exist before the pandemic hit, they could be temporary. Having the tools to process everything will help for both of you. We have never seen anything like this in our country before, and it is taking a major toll on people’s mental health. The best way to handle that is to take action and get the help that is needed.

I'm so sorry.

You're not alone - I was engaged once before, to a man who didn't treat me or respect me well. Like your FH, he wasn't willing to grow and accept responsibility for his actions.

I'd strongly recommend finding a counselor to help you through this.

Is there a safe place for you to go? Please get there if you can, and give yourself some time to think.

Hang in there! I know this is hard and you're justified to feel how you do. Like you said, pump the brakes, and do no more wedding planning. Take some space and time to yourself to determine what you really want. Life has obstacles and its important to have someone to support you and love you and do the right thing by you & for you throughout these obstacles. Marriage is easy to get into, but it's hard to get out of; it's easier to break something off now than 10 years from now. I read your last post and youre so sweet & thoughtful, I would want you happy.

Don't be afraid to express yourself and there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Its better you know now what kind of person he truly is before you get into a marriage. He definitely is being an ass and isn't mature enough to handle stressful situations. If you feel calling off the wedding is what is needed don't be afraid to do so. I'm sure your family will be right there to support you. This is one of biggest decisions of your life.


I have definitely been there myself and called off my first engagement due to incompatibilities not shown until later on. It was the best decision I ever made. I am now about to marry my best friend who expects everything about me and is extremely dependable. Yes it hurts in the beginning but you will never regret your decision.

Either way make the decision based on what you need don't worry about anyone else.

Honestly, this pandemic is the perfect excuse to "cancel/postpone" the wedding. Don't feel like you have to go through with this if you have any doubt at all. If you think any sort of relationship counseling would help, then do it. But if you think he's just "my way or the highway" I'd get out now. From this post and your other, it doesn't seem like he is really taking your very valid concerns seriously. I'm so so sorry you're going through this!! Don't make any rash decisions, really think about what you want, and who you want as a life partner. Has the pandemic made him kinda on edge? Like it has the rest of us?

Update:


Thank you all for the advice! I had a heart-to-heart with FH about this, and he kind of broke down and explained he was having a hard time processing the pandemic. He felt pressure from his family to still have the wedding even though it wasn't working out. He was also nervous to marry me when he is worried about being laid off and scared of covid. I just wish he had been honest and vulnerable in the first place.
Upon reflection, I had been acting pretty defensive and anxious too. I think the stress of the whole thing just was pulling us apart. We cried a lot and mourned our lost wedding experience, and we have now decided to cancel all previous plans and plan an elopement from scratch with ZERO input from family. We now can do things on our own time while we work on us.
I wish we had done this months ago, but better late than never. I think we have finally accepted that we can't change the circumstances. I finally feel free and excited to be married again.