Considering a civil union or elopement prior to our wedding date

Hi there! I was in the same boat! We were engaged already,(In Feb 2021)just waiting on our wedding date! (Which is Feb 2022). So we prayed about for a couple of days and decided that there was nothing wrong with eloping. We took a prematerial class, went to the courthouse, signed the papers, then we headed over to our local chuch 30 minutes later, and asked the same pastor that baptized him to allow us to say our vows, basically remarry in the eyes of the Lord. Of course we are already married in the eyes of God when we went to the courthouse, but we still wanted to involve God a bit more than just going to court and signing papers. We honestly felt so at peace with our choice and still happily await to have our big wedding celebration with our family! God understands, nowhere in the Bible it tells us exactly how and when to get married, and thats the beautiful thing. 1 Corinthians 10:13

I think maybe the best solution is to pray, and seek guidance from God first and foremost.

I don't blame you for wanting to be intimate with each other- it's a GOOD thing! People are supposed to want to be intimate with each other as a form of bonding.

However, ask yourself this:

Is the primary motivation between wanting to marry privately just based on sex, or is it also based on nerves and getting fed up with the stress of the reception, family, etc?

If your reasoning is purely based on sex, and BOTH of you are virgins- WAIT. What no one tells you is that the first time you have sex, you probably will not orgasm. Not to say that you both can't give each other pleasure, but making love doesn't have the end goal of orgasm all the time. Establishing that bond takes time.

Have you asked yourself if you want children right away, or what would happen if you became pregnant the first time you consummate your marriage? It is still a possibility, and in two months, your body and size may change, so will your hormones. I don't think anyone wants to be a newly pregnant bride with morning sickness in front of their guests. Furthermore, your life will change DRAMATICALLY and you won't have time to enjoy the rhythm of married life- or adjusting to it before becoming parents. If you aren't cohabiting together already, no one tells you that the first few months of living with another person puts a strain on your bond, and you become more impatient with them.

If you aren't virgins, are already living together, and/or don't mind jumping straight into parenthood because you are in your late 20's-30's and beyond, and wedding planning has been stressful, then you should consider getting married privately in a chapel.
Sometimes, having a private ceremony in a chapel that is only between God, your fiancé, and your pastor helps bring you down to earth with the concept that a wedding is a party everyone wants to attend, but not everyone will be there for your marriage: the hard times and life in between.

Consider that maybe you have been mentally preparing yourself for the wedding and not the marriage. Maybe an option is to take some premarital counseling, or read books such as, "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs or, "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman to supplement your counseling and Bible study. Talk to your family, friends, or people that you consider who have healthy marriages and talk to them about advice and how they overcame the hard times in their marriage. You may be surprised by the answers.

Now, my perspective is not one who saved themselves before marriage. I have had multiple partners before my fiancé. Some I regret, some I do not. I see it as where I was in life and in that mindset. Had someone spoken to me more with compassion and with reality, not just with religious ideals when I was 18, my decision may have been different.

It seems like you value saving your virginity until your wedding night, and I feel that you will regret jumping into marriage too soon. I don't fault you for wanting your fiancé, but I think that through prayer, and more "homework" on giving you tools for hardships ahead will prepare you to have a happy, Christ-centered marriage that you want.

I will be praying for you.

I know I just made a post, but rereading this response from you raises a lot of questions and red flags.

First off, please do not take this as being judgemental, only as a sister in Christ who has seen a lot of life, been the victim of abuse, and have seen the aftermath of couples abusing each other, and losing a family member as a result of domestic abuse:

Your fiancé sounds like an alcoholic. It might sound crazy because you both seem young, but it is entirely possible. People who abuse substances are hurting inside and trying to escape. He has not reached a healthy place or point in time to even open up to you, let alone God to help him through the pain.

A HUGE red flag is that he doesn't want to seek counseling. You aren't even on the same page when it comes to counseling. You booking the appointment will not make a long-term difference right now. If you aren't living together right now, imagine what he could be like drunk, potentially angry when you are together. It could be a volatile situation when his drinking upsets you and you don't feel like he is listening. You will not be able to control an angry, drunk, full-grown man. Imagine how dangerous it could be if you were pregnant or had a young child together. Will you choose to love and protect your child over a husband who is exhibiting this behavior? (You may say, "Of course" now, but too many women find themselves in this cycle before they break free if they are lucky).

Another HUGE red flag is that he doesn't attend church- he drinks during the sermon. He is literally trying to escape during the most crucial time, and you are excusing his behavior. This is not loving, this is ENABLING. Enabling is the main reason why toxic behaviors continue.

I do believe you love him in terms of wanting to care for him individually. Love is also a continual choice as it is acceptance. Are you willing to love/choose a man for years down the line who continues his behavior (that will probably get worse) and may not even submit his life to God the way you feel a husband should?

You are hurting. You posted this as a way to potentially find a middle ground for what you want, and your fiancés behavior, but all you are doing is compromising your standards.

Please consider postponing the wedding. You don't have to break up necessarily, but postpone the wedding until you have reflected sufficiently with God and within yourself. I would suggest not marrying this man until he makes a consistent change that he initiates. I will caution you: This scenario is HIGHLY UNLIKELY.

Love is NOT enough for a situation like this. I hate to be the one to sound harsh, but I want you to BECOME A WIFE AND NOT A STATISTIC.

Hello, I read your post and some of your responses and felt compelled to offer you my opinion. I grew up in the church (non-denominational Christian church of Christ) my dad is a minister. Though I have not saved myself for marriage like I always thought I would I want to share with you why I didn’t and it’s was honestly something you kept stating in your responses that reminded me of why I didn’t wait, you keep referring to yourself as a people pleaser whenever you discuss you and your fh not being able to keep your hands off one another after he drinks. This was also how I found myself losing my virginity, I wanted to please my at the time boyfriend and not cause and riffs or make him frustrated. I rather him be happy and pleased with me, than me pleased with myself and what I wanted. (That ended with me running into the bathroom after and crying for God to forgive me) And I am telling you now that is not the path you want to go down. What is your primary reason for wanting to do a courthouse wedding? (Which I believe to be a valid marriage in the eyes of God and state. God is everywhere.) but if your reasonings for moving up the wedding is so you both can finally have Sex and you can finally give your future husband what you feel he really wants just to appease him, then I have to say please don’t do it. It will not solve anything, you may be left feeling shortchanged. Your fiancé should be patient and respectful of your wants and beliefs. A courthouse wedding would be valid and you would be free to have guilt free sec but once the novelty wears off will you feel happy? Or disappointed because you know this expedited wedding was because your fh couldn’t respect your wants and needs. I guess I’m thinking more of what feelings will be attached to your elopement of this is the reasonings for it. And you will honestly find that the way you enter into your marriage will set the tone and precedent for it. I think there are other issues here for you to work through and that are worth you working through and many for your fh to work through as well. You should not rush to get married just because you feel like you need to give him sex because he is relentless when he drinks. If it was something that was equally wanted between the two of you then maybe my response would be different, but because you keep saying you’re a people pleaser, it really makes me think you just want to do this to please him but to not compromise your beliefs. Dont do it, it won’t solve anything trust me. Just ask yourself this one question, would you be able to wait until June if he was able to better control himself when he drinks? If the answer is yes then wait. I wish I would have, and yes I know the person I lost my virginity to was not a guy I planned to marry but it’s more in the sense of, me wishing I would have choose my wants over wanting to please him to keep the peace. Pressure can be hard and often come up in such subtle ways that you don’t notice that’s what it is.

I think it's great that you and your fiance are planning on getting married. My fiance got engaged after 1 year and are getting married in 3 months. As Christians we knew we didn't want a long engagement. I feel your pain in regards to excitement and temptation is possible, but we have established boundaries. It might be helpful to consider you and your fiance boundaries. Like my fiance and I aren't living together until after we get married and obviously don't sleep in the same bed. You might be taking the same approach but I'm not sure. And I agree with you, a civil union IS A MARRIAGE in God's eyes. 1 Corinthians 7:46 36 If anyone is worried that he might not be acting honorably toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if his passions are too strong[b] and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married. If you can, wait by establishing boundaries. But if you can't and you both come to the conclusion to get married prior to your 'wedding date' then I think that is right for you, since it's according to scripture. And I agree with some of the other posters, that you should not be forced by your fiance to get married and have sex sooner. If he is not able to handle his alcohol and respect you and your wishes, I would get help from family and your church-this isn't a healthy enviornment. Hope this helps

I can see how you love your fiance. Go for it girl. You will have your church wedding after 2 months, so I don't see any reason why it would be bad to get a civil union now and have sex, then get wed again in the church.