Conflicted about bridesmaid

Can I ask why you are trying so hard for this friendship when its obvious she's only your friend when it's convenient for her?

View Quoted Comment That’s how it feels. We have been there for eachother through the hardest times but over the last 2-3 years it seems like that’s it. I don’t want to regret not asking her to be a bridesmaid but at the same time I don’t want to ask her then us continue to not talk anymore.

View Quoted Comment Well if you were to ask the general public on WW they will tell you to wait until 6-8 months out to ask your bridesmaids. So no need to rush.


But honestly I'd say just stop putting in an effort on this relationship, you don't want to post here a month before your wedding about your bridesmaid not doing anything.

I don't think talking to her is selfish at all. Just word in a way that doesn't make it seem like you're attacking her. Based on what you're saying, your relationship is super one sided and I would definitely try to figure out what's going on before asking her to be a bridesmaid. It seems like she might have moved on and you need to as well. Dont keep putting your efforts into someone who wouldn't do the same for you! Also keep in mind that if you do end up asking her, she'll have a young child by the time you get married so she may not be able to or may not want to take on any responsibility or tasks you give her as a BM.

Since she feels the friendship has run its course, then respect that and enjoy the happy memories you. Do not ask her to be a bridesmaid because she is not currently part of your nearest and dearest most supportive people. That is who bridesmaids are picked from .

It doesn't sound like she really wants to maintain a friendship with you since she never reached out to you and constantly makes excuses as to why she can't hang out with you. Sometimes friendships just run therw course and there is nothing that really caused it, but I would take the hint and move on. Definitely don't ask her to be a bridesmaid.

I wouldn't have her as a bridesmaid. It sounds like she isn't giving back the same effort in the relationship, and seeing as there's always a reason why she can't spend time with you, I would take that as a hint that the relationship has ran it's course. Yes it sucks, but you also need to remember that you want those closest to you to be in your bridal party. I have a feeling that if this is how she's acting outside of the wedding, then there's no doubt she'll be this way if she was a bridesmaid. That adds extra stress on you during the wedding planning process, and that isn't something you need.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from wedding wire posts it’s that asking someone to be a bridesmaid rarely helps a struggling relationship, in fact, it usually hurts it. A lot of times people ask someone to be in their bridal party hoping it will help build or create a relationship where there wasn’t one and it never does, and instead tends to lead toward stress, tension, and disappointment.


If I were in your shoes, I’d let things lie where they are. This does not sound like a person I would want in my bridal party. I’m not saying to forget the friendship, just to forget the dream of having her as a bridesmaid. It just doesn’t sound like you’re close enough for that right now. It sounds like she’s close enough to be a guest and that’s totally fine— she’ll still be part of the day without the added stress on you. If you reconnect later and get back to being really tight— well, there’s nothing on you to regret. That’s on her. You can’t fix a person’s feelings and behavior, and if you’ve drifted apart right now so you don’t include her and you get close later, that doesn’t mean you missed out on her being a bridesmaid— she still would’ve been a crumby bridesmaid right now. You’re not writing her off by not including her, you’re just not prioritizing her which is what she is doing to you. I’ll also say there’s more regret in having someone stand up with you on your big day and then a year from then they’re hardly in your lives.
It’s not a problem to approach a friend and hash out the friendship although it’s important to manage expectations, know what you’re specifically looking to gain from the conversation, and mentally prepare for the fact that they could say “yeah I just don’t feel close to you anymore” ...I’d also caution against approaching a conversation like this from a “are you mad at me?” perspective — it can easily put them on the defensive and it also makes the conversation about your feelings more than the friendship itself. If you want to have this conversation , I’d go for the check in and make sure everything is okay with her and then get into feeling like the relationship is changing. But, the relationship may just be changing as it can happen as we grow older and with our own lives. To me, because of this, it’s not a conversation I’d bother having, the consequences here outweigh the benefit, with things potential getting awkward. Friendships especially into adulthood tend to ebb and flow . I’ve watched my parents’ friendships drift in busy times and then come back in full force now that they’re older and settled and without kids/young families around.

I think this is a really personal decision, and it all depends on how much you're willing to put up with and how truly important this person is to you.

I had a best friend for the past 19 years, we met in Kindergarten and were inseparable ever since. However over the last couple of years she has pretty much made it clear to me where I stand in importance. We did slightly grow apart due to our adult lives going in different directions, but she was still always someone I could count on, 2 years ago the night before Thanksgiving she informed me she was moving out of state but was unsure as to when. I let her know to let me know when she knew so we could go out for breakfast or dinner or something before she left. She never reached out and just moved without telling me.

Since she moved she has been home several times and has not reached out to me to tell me she was home so we could meet up, she was home for my birthday and my mother invited her to a surprise 25th birthday for me and she did not even reach out to my mom to decline. She has shared information about my life with people I no longer associate with and people she knows I have cut out of my life for specific reasons (such as my engagement).

It was made very clear that she did not cherish our friendship the way I did, so it was very easy for me to exclude her from my bridal party and my guest list.

You should pick a friend that will be there for you and care about your relationship with your future husband. We love are friends unfortunately people change with time, and that’s okay.

View Quoted Comment

I agree with Mcskipper! It honestly sounds like even if your relationship improved, she likely wouldn't have the bandwidth to participate as a bridesmaid in the way you wish she would. Your best bet, if you want to leave the door to this friendship open, is to invite her as a guest. She may not attend, but you'll have extended your hand and what she chooses to do at that point is completely up to her.