Conflict with Fiancé about my parents

Wow, that's a lot to unpack. Does your FI usually behave like this with people? What about your friends and other family members?

Sorry, but all I see is a field of waving red flags. I would really think long and hard about this decision you're making. Sometimes, partners will deliberately separate someone from their most trusted and loved ones in order to gain emotional control over the person. Perhaps it might be good to talk about your feelings with a therapist. Alone.

Your dad belittles your fiance in public, and you let this happen? Does your fiance tell your father that he doesn't like to be talked to in this way? If your fiance has issues with everyone but there's no cause like public humiliation and mean spiritedness, then that's another issue.

Also why do you think your Dad calls him out of his name, and particularly Jose?

If both your fiancé and dad are using belittling or harsh names, your fiancé may be following patterns of your dad. It really is hard to tell from what you have shared. Certainly you need to consider your family ties and preserve those. You might benefit from asking friends their impressions about both men -- are they kind? Is your fiancé decent but brutally honest?

The other thing is telling your dad that his humor is not working well and if he can stop speaking to your fiancé in terms felt to be demeaning.

It can happen where someone like a dad can have some sharp edges but generally be fine. Hope your therapist is able to help you sort things out. It is funny how your mention of the frugal spending habits. Another bride had posted about her fiancé's parents being wealthy but spending money on everything but the wedding.

Old school belief here: unless your dad is being abusive in any manner, there is still such thing as "respect for your elders".

Why does your fiance say things about your dad's finances? Do your parents ask to borrow money?

Your dad’s so called sense of humor sounds inappropriate and in bad taste. Maybe he is a narcissist without any self control or self awareness who thinks he’s being funny. Your FI’s sense of entitlement to your parents’ money and the way he calls your father names and complains about what is given to him is unacceptable and makes him even worse, though. The fact that he treats others this way, too, should be another deal breaker.

When you marry someone, you marry their family, too. So this mix is not a good time. All the red flags say this is a battleground future and will not get better because no one's taking responsibility and you're the only one crying.

You're going to have to teach yourself how to set and affirm boundaries because well, your father couldn't teach you what he doesn't know, and unfortunately this led you to a romance with someone just similar. For anyone else, everything would have stopped when name calling became crass and men showed their entitlement and toxicity (that's both of them). So for you, here's a hard line: you never, NEVER let someone call you out of your name. And you don't let that happen to a loved one either. Forgive yourself for letting this foolishness go on so long, and go surround yourself by people for whom respect is a given with acknowledging another person's human dignity.

Ok so I suspected as much. Please please bear in mind that this will not change following your marriage. It's going to be exhausting for you to try and keep your relationships intact, because your FI does not respect them. Of course he "doesn't believe" in therapy, he doesn't want to hear it. I would reconsider this entire relationship before much more time goes on. Again, this is not going to miraculously change. There are better people out there.