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Super November 2019

Civil ceremony first, then wedding?

Melissa, on October 29, 2018 at 3:28 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 1 11

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Hey guys. I'm a fan of the Forum page here on the WeddingWire App. It helps me get ideas for my wedding and helps me prepare for potential dilemmas that people on here go through. But for a while now, I've stumbled upon a comment or 2 about what someone should, but mostly shouldn't do, if they are already married by civil ceremony and then have a wedding in the future.

A little background on my situation. I'm active duty Air Force and my husband is active duty Marines. We are stationed in different parts of the country. In the third year of our relationship, we decided to get married before one of us gets deployed and unfortunately dies overseas(if that's God's plan), and to get a chance to live together. We knew a wedding would take atleast a year in advance to prepare so we decided the best thing for us would to be married at the courthouse and have a church ceremony and wedding later.

We got married in a snowstorm and it's still one of the best and funniest days of my life. But now, we are hitting some roadblocks. As Catholics, we knew we had to get married in the church for our marriage to be blessed by God and recognized by the Catholic church. But since we are married, we have to have a convalidation ceremony (not a vow renewal) and go through Pre-Cana and premarital counseling, which takes a few months, to receive the sacrament of marriage.

My point is, I'm already married, but I'm still going to have a church ceremony and a wedding. All my guests, civilian and military, see this as a normal wedding ceremony and normal wedding even though they know I'm already married. But after reading some people's comments on different forums on here, I'm getting the vibe that it's wrong to have a regular wedding ceremony and reception when you're already married(even if you're not married according to your faith). So what should I do? Do I continue with my plans of walking down the aisle in a white dress and have a traditional reception, or is it in bad taste to do that? What do you guys think or suggest?

Thanks in advance.

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11 Comments

Latest activity by Martha, on February 7, 2019 at 10:12 AM

Master June 2016
Sarah · on October 29, 2018 at 3:36 PM
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Most people on these forums are fine with your plan, as long as your open and honest with your guests. What isn’t ok is when people get married in the civil ceremony and then never tell anyone/pretend like they aren’t married for the sake of having the big party.
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Devoted May 2019
Official Mrs.K · on October 29, 2018 at 3:37 PM
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Since people already know that you are legally married I think you are perfectly fine to have the vow renewal (or convalidation ceremony as you called it) of your dreams. What you likely saw here on WW was a negative reaction to getting married in secret and then pretending to be getting married in front of friends and family.

Since your legal status is out in the open I don’t see any reason to not plan the celebration of your dreams!
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Master April 2017
Anne · on October 29, 2018 at 3:38 PM
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I think you can continue with your plans, but I would skip a bridal shower and bachelorette party, since you aren't a bachelorette anymore.
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Champion December 2017
earias · on October 29, 2018 at 3:40 PM
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What you've described is fine. Generally where people have issues is when the couple chooses to lie to everyone and pretend they aren't already married. But it sounds like everyone knows you're already married and now you're completing the step to have the Catholic church recognize your marriage. There's no problem with you wearing a white dress, walking down the aisle and having a reception as long as everyone knows that you're already married. You'll have to work with your priest on the wording for the ceremony and whatever it is you need to do to have them validate your marriage in the church.
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on October 29, 2018 at 3:51 PM
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Does everyone know you are legally married? To me, this is fine. Especially being Catholic, it's a huge part of your religion to be married in the church. I would treat it as a normal wedding!
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Super November 2019
Melissa · on October 29, 2018 at 4:08 PM
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Yes, all my guests know my husband and I are married. Especially with my new last name. I'm just worried people might be upset if I do certain traditions like the bouquet toss, wear a veil, the father-daughter dance, etc. since I'm already married.
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Super April 2019
Jazmin · on October 29, 2018 at 4:48 PM
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I think you can continue with your regular plans and treat it as a regular wedding. My husband and I got married in June this year at a courthouse and we are having our Christian ceremony in April next year. I'm still walking down the aisle and wearing a white dress.
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Master January 2019
Cassidy · on October 29, 2018 at 6:00 PM
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I don’t think there is anything wrong with you having you big wedding in the church, Include as many traditions you want to.
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Master 0000
Judith · on October 29, 2018 at 7:54 PM
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Since everyone knows your situation up front, and you are doing a real exchange of sacramental vows, different from your civil ceremony, most people Wii be fine with it except a few sticking points. Neither you or husband have been single for a long time. Bach and bachelorette parties as the last blowout of a single person, No. And no showers, or very small ones. Some people may have given you a gift when you were originally married, and feel no other gift, shower of wedding, is called for now. ( which is correct etiquette.) And you have set up a household as a married couple, not just living together, for a year already. This does not mean your friends or his cannot have an evening or day event party for each of you. Or have a women's weekend, or men's weekend. Just not the trappings of a bachelor party. And in lieu of a shower if you are together in a house that is nit base housing, at some point, have a housewarming party. When I was in the Army, these were called, shelves and mails parties. Because base housing never has enough storage space, not enough closets, shelves, and no attic, cellar, shed or garage. And it is forbidden to damage a wall with a nail trying to hang things on walls to make it home, or build in bookcases or shelves. Then you will have a permanent place for kitchen appliances, and a real supply of anything. Many people who did not give a gift when you married will, and many will spend what they would have on a shower and wedding present, all in one.
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Dedicated December 2021
Happilee · on October 29, 2018 at 9:16 PM
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I have a friend who's husband was active duty and they were married before their wedding and two friends who were married before their wedding for financial and citizenship reasons.

None of the three had any problems with their decision. We all accepted the wedding as the big day as they wished to do and had a great time!
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Devoted September 2019
Martha · on February 7, 2019 at 10:12 AM
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I don’t think there is anything wrong with it, and you can still call it a wedding! In most countries, the church wedding isn’t even recognized ... usually people need to get civil marriage first then do the church and party later.
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