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Dedicated September 2023

Church Shower for Guests not Invited to Wedding

Anna, on February 3, 2023 at 4:05 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 6
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My mom asked if she could host a bridal shower for me at her church (which I grew up in & only recently stopped going to about 2 years ago). She wants to host it with a couple women who have known me most of my life.
However no one from my old church is invited to the wedding, as I am having something pretty small. I told my mom I was worried it would be rude to have all these ladies come (especially if they felt they should bring gifts) if they are not invited to the wedding & I was wondering why she would like to have something with this particular group?
She said that she knows they want to love on me & celebrate me getting married, & that she has been to several showers where she was not invited to the wedding & it was completely fine. She suggested maybe they could bring cookbooks instead of bigger gifts (FH & I already have a mostly-furnished house). I can tell this means a LOT to my mom. And since it would be her throwing the party, with a group of church women who have known me since I was young, and we’ll make it clear I am NOT asking for gifts, I’m thinking it may be ok? My current thoughts:1. I tell my mom it is VERY important to me that these women know I am having a small wedding and although I love them they are not invited. I do NOT want to be rude or feel like I need to expand the guest list to accommodate.2. If gifts of any kind are involved, they have to be small - everyone brings a bottle of wine, or shares their favorite recipe (cook books are too expensive) OR we simply ask that they donate to my favorite charity (which is also well-known by that group).
I want to be so sensitive here. My mom really really wants this. I think she already has a hard time that I go to a new church now & she wants to do this for me. But I also want to be so careful about etiquette & not make anyone feel used for their time/money or left out.

6 Comments

Latest activity by Anna, on February 8, 2023 at 3:19 PM
  • Erin
    Super May 2022
    Erin ·
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    Even with all the best intentions, it’s still against etiquette to host a shower inviting people that will not be invited to the actual wedding. As much as these ladies want to show you love and support, it’s best to let them do that on their own by sending you and future spouse a gift themselves outside of a wedding event.


    It sounds like these ladies are kind of closer to your mom than they actually are to *you*. I would gently tell your mom that while you appreciate her wanting to host something in your honor, it just wouldn’t be right to do it this way. If the church ladies approach and ask your mom how they can get gifts to you, tell her what you are comfortable with “Oh yeah Mom you can tell them to go to this website where we have a charity fund setup” or whatever it is you decide you’re ok with them gifting outside of events.

    A few people that were not invited to our wedding sent gifts to me and my husband. They gave them to our parents, who then handed them over to us.

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  • Michael
    Master October 2023
    Michael ·
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    If people in the church group are asking for this, the event is basically like the office workers doing a bridal shower for you. They would mostly know they are not going to the wedding ceremony, especially if nothing has been sent to them beforehand.

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  • Michelle
    Champion December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Old school etiquette says that the only exception to the “only guests invited to the wedding can be invited to the shower” rule are coworkers, church members, and social clubs (book club or a similar group). These groups understand that they are not invited for any number of reasons but they still want to share your happiness and it is not impolite for them to host a shower for you. You don’t need to reiterate to mom that you are having a small wedding. Older generations come from strict etiquette, which is largely ignored in the current generation as being “outdated” , so they are aware of the rules involved and are following them by doing what etiquette allows for the situation.


    Showers are for physical gifts, not cash/honeymoon/house/charity funds. Guests choose their own budget and the size of gifts they bring. That is not for you to decide what they can and cannot bring.
    Enjoy the party and don’t stress.
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  • Charlene
    Dedicated November 2024
    Charlene ·
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    I feel like if they are fine not being invited to the wedding and realize that then it should be okay. It is only rude if they think it is rude. Maybe just make sure they realize you are keeping your wedding small and make sure they understand that and see if they are fine with having a shower under those conditions first and if they aren't then don't have the bridal shower. I do understand that sometimes church groups tend to operate differently like in some cases where the wedding is announced publicly in church it is the norm for church members to come to the ceremony who were not formally invited and not expect to be there for the reception. This seems very church culture dependent.

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  • A
    Dedicated September 2023
    Anna ·
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    Thank you all for the advice!


    It helps to hear people’s take on this, as well as my own research elsewhere. Due the fact that a lot of people have been saying this is fine within a church group, and seeing how much I know it would mean to my mom (there’s a lot of emotions going on on her end that I won’t go into) I am leaning towards letting her go ahead and do this.
    I have seen some people online recommend to call it a “Bridal Lunch” or something like that to help with the gift situation at the very least. And while I appreciate her idea of cook books I genuinely do not want that many cookbooks 😂 I’ve seen ideas of “bring your favorite bottle of wine” or “share your favorite recipe and provide an ingredient or 2” OR I could try to make a smaller registry of less expensive gift ideas if I just need to accept that these people want to give me something even if they aren’t invited to the wedding haha
    About how to ensure they don’t expect a wedding invite…I really don’t know but that might be something for me to leave up to my mom as the host and MOB.
    Many of the ladies she wants to invite have known me since I was young so I understand why she/they would want to do this for me, which is incredibly sweet of them. I just would never want to take advantage of their generosity and/or make anyone upset that they went to this event but were not invited to the actual wedding.
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  • A
    Dedicated September 2023
    Anna ·
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    Even as I say “I could make another registry” I have no idea how I would do that because I’m having a hard enough time figuring out a registry in general haha (we have lived together for a year).


    Too bad I can’t ask for cleaning supplies on a registry 😂 I’d love some more wet jet pads or swiffer dusters 🤦‍♀️
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