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Just Said Yes April 2024

Choosing Bridesmaids

Kara, on June 13, 2023 at 12:36 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 10

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I have been STRUGGLING trying to pick my group of bridesmaids. I’m getting married in April of 2024 and time is moving so fast. Every time I decide on a group I feel good about it for a few days and then I begin to doubt it and I feel like it’s supposed to feel as perfect as when I found my dress. You just know. My FH has 6 and I have 3 for sure ladies that I know I want to be apart of the wedding, and then there are some others that I’m just feeling torn about. One is a friend from high school and the others are friends from college. I have a relationship with each of them but I can’t decide which I’m closer with just because I feel like my relationships with them are about equal. One I don’t get to see much due to living a few hours apart and just due to life, and the others I have seen 3 days a week because of us being in the same program but now that we are out I can’t be sure that the relationship will continue as it did when we were all constantly together. I don’t want to hurt any feelings, I’m looking for advice and brides who have been in similar situations. I haven’t been motivated to continue wedding planning just because it has been bothering me so much that I have just stopped, I feel like having my bridal party chosen is a necessity for the rest of my planning. I want to get on the ball and finish planning my dream wedding so I’ve got to make this decision soon. Please help and send all of your advice

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10 Comments

Latest activity by Michelle, on June 16, 2023 at 4:05 PM

Keri · on June 13, 2023 at 4:25 AM
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Well you don't have to have the same number of bridesmaids and groomsmen. Honestly, this is partly why I'm not doing bridesmaids. But I'm still having a bachelorette trip with a bunch of friends. Don't know if you would consider that.
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Master July 2019
Hannah · on June 13, 2023 at 6:27 AM
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Sides don’t have to be even. I would choose the 3 that you’re sure about and leave it at that. If you search through this forum, you will find tons of posts about regretting certain bridesmaid choices.
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Master October 2023
Cece · on June 13, 2023 at 7:19 AM
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Agree with this 100%
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Super December 2022
LM · on June 13, 2023 at 7:25 AM
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Make a decision at the end of the summer and assess your friendships then. You may have outings with some more than others. 6-8 months advance notice is enough to get BM dresses.
This shouldn't stress you so much that you can't continue on. Take a break. And if you want 0 BM, that's fine. Have your partner's groomsmen sit for the ceremony, and let the focus be only on you two.
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CM · on June 13, 2023 at 8:03 AM
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Only include those you’re sure about. The sides shouldn’t be even for the sake of numbers. I don’t see what this has to do with wedding planning, That’s your job, nothing to do with the bridal party. You don’t need a whole entourage to go dress shopping either.
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Just Said Yes April 2024
Kara · on June 13, 2023 at 10:28 AM
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I think it’s the pressure of knowing that I have a decision to make and that people are also waiting on me to make that decision that has kind of slowed me down on planning. All of the big stuff is done, I’m at the point where we start throwing together decorations, start planning showers, and other things like that and those are things that I personally want my BM for so they can help and contribute to that. There’s also several things that I want to do with the bridal party on both sides as a whole and for schedule reasons those are things that we have to do soon. I am young and finishing a degree and I won’t be the first to say that I just need help planning and I can’t do it all on my own because I honestly have no clue what I’m doing, I just hate to involve my friends now and then not include them later so thats why I feel stuck.
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VIP January 2019
Maggie · on June 13, 2023 at 11:20 AM
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I agree with all of the advice to only choose people you are REALLY close to and don't worry about numbers. Go with the 3 you are sure about and move on. As far as needing help with wedding planning, the good news is that should be coming from your future spouse, who I assume you are sure about.
It's nice if friends offer to help, but really you will be doing yourself a favor if you lower your expectations for what you will be relying on friends for (as far as time, commitments, and money). Asking for too much often leads to damaged friendships and stress. Less is more.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on June 13, 2023 at 11:30 AM
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Yeah, I wouldn't be expecting your wedding party to help with wedding planning, decorations and they aren't obligated to throw pre-wedding parties. It's supposed to honour them, not be a job for them to do.
Sides don't have to be even, so I would just invite the three that you're sure about.
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CM · on June 13, 2023 at 11:42 AM
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I agree with this. OP it is not appropriate for you to expect that your bridal party do anything that they do not offer completely on their own with no hinting or pressure from you. Decor is on you, FI, or a paid vendor. Showers are up to others, not you to suggest or plan. They are optional events that can be hosted by any friend, or friend of the family. Some will say family is OK too. The point is, it’s not a given or an entitlement that this is coming to you.

Their only obligation is to buy a dress after you consult regarding budget and vision, take part in the ceremony, as well as support you and help out in small ways on the day of the wedding.
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on June 16, 2023 at 4:05 PM
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Sides don’t have to be even and you should never add random people you have no relationship with to make them even.

There is a big misconception that people get upset (angry, hurt, feeling neglected) when they are not asked to be a bridesmaid. Many posts prove the opposite to be true: that not everyone enjoys the role or finds it to be an honor and prefer to be a regular guest. Especially when they are asked out of obligation, either to make a parent happy who has no decision making leverage or someone who has not interacted with the bride (or groom, because men are guilted just the same) in years and has since moved on with their lives.
When in doubt, only ask those who are currently in your innermost support system. The people who you call first to vent or celebrate your relationship with fiancé with. Who are your closest friends who support you through good times and bad? Anyone not on that radar, including siblings and in laws, do not belong in your wedding party as bridesmaids at all.
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