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Just Said Yes May 2022

Choosing Bridesmaid etiquette?

Emily, on November 10, 2020 at 3:31 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 5

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Hi all! So I just got engaged Saturday and am still calling up family & friends with the news etc. My cousin immediately texts me after the big family zoom call where I made the announcement saying she'd love to be a bridesmaid. Which is uncomfortable, because you're supposed to wait to be asked...and I wasn't planning on asking her....we're not close... I tried to laugh it off because its was literally day 2! But she mentioned it again! I already know who I want as bridesmaids. I've been with my partner a long time and I used to work in catering, and at a florist so I actually have a very clear plan of what I want already. I have 8 lovely ladies I'd like to be involved in the ceremony so I can actually see them on the day and will likely have to make cuts as is! She and I were close when we were little, but as adults we're really not close....I'm the only one who reaches out calls/texts etc on her birthday, she's made 0 effort. I see her a few times a year when I come home for holidays. I live out of state from my family and she's never once come to visit in 9 years. Even when I lived on the beach in FL... I worry with my giant family if I don't make her a bridesmaid eventually, then it's going to be whole grudge thing and ruin what little relationship we do have. My aunt (her mother) is a bit of a goss. We're not even aiming to get married until 2022 and not in Chicago (my home town) so its not like she could even be more helpful than anyone else I chose with planning from afar etc. Obviously she'll be invited to other events etc. For all of my current list of potential bridesmaids we've been friends for 20+ years and/or we lived together and I already stood in their weddings. Has anyone else run into a wedding party situation like this? I know its our day...but I'd like to handle this appropriately so as not to offend.

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5 Comments

Latest activity by mrswinteriscoming, on November 10, 2020 at 9:08 PM

Champion July 2019
Veronica · on November 10, 2020 at 3:37 PM
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Since, you aren't getting married for over a year I wouldn't recommend asking anyone bat time. I would wait until about 10 months prior to your wedding to ask anyone as relationships can and do change. If she keeps mentioning, I would just tell her you haven't made any decisions yet. She doesn't need to know this far in advance who you plan on having in your wedding.
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Master January 2022
SLY · on November 10, 2020 at 3:42 PM
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I second this. I've seen TOO many posts on here of brides that asked their bridal party too soon and months down the line they realized that the relationship wasn't the same, resulting in an awkward conversation about removal from the bridal party.
That being said, if you're confident in your choices, then keep it as it is, but def. wait a few months before you actually do your proposals. You don't owe her an explanation as to why she wasn't picked, just be gracious about it and tell her you haven't made final decision yet.
Good luck!
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Master November 2022
Chrysta · on November 10, 2020 at 4:28 PM
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I am going to I agree with the previous two posters – don’t officially ask anyone to be a part of your wedding party until it’s closer. I don’t think there’s a week that goes by without someone on this forum wanting/needing to remove a person from their bridal party. Also, it was rude for your cousin to put you in that awkward position. You should never volunteer yourself for a position that you are supposed to be chosen for. I actually had people Facebook message me asking to be invited to my wedding. I had zero intentions of inviting any of these people, and it was so awkward! Do you have other female cousins? If so, you can just tell her that you don’t want to hurt their feelings by only having her be in your bridal party, so to avoid it you are just not going to ask any family members to make it fair.
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Master April 2021
Michelle · on November 10, 2020 at 6:28 PM
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Totally agree! What I’m most shocked about is her TELLING you that she’s going to be a bridesmaid!
I’m having a total of 3. The first 2 I asked within weeks of getting engaged (16 mths before the wedding) only because my sister is my MOH & my daughter (who’s 24) is a bridesmaid. I’m extremely close to my sister & have an amazing relationship with my daughter. My 3rd bridesmaid I didn’t ask until this past July because I didn’t want to have any regrets.
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VIP December 2021
mrswinteriscoming · on November 10, 2020 at 9:08 PM
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Given you won’t be getting married for a while, I wouldn’t ask anyone to be your bridesmaid for at least a few months. Friendships can change very quickly and I’ve read too many posts on WW about people saying how they were so close with their BMs but drifted apart by the time of the wedding.

As to your cousin, you never know how the relationship can pan out between now and the wedding. While I encourage you to wait, I think you can safely tell her that you’ve got a small group you’re thinking of but that you won’t be actioning anything for a while, and if she presses, tell her that you’ve already got a full list but appreciate her enthusiastic response and well wishes.
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