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Just Said Yes September 2020

Changing my Maid of Honor

Gina, on June 29, 2020 at 10:25 PM Posted in Community Conversations 1 15

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Am I aloud to demote my current maid of honor to bridesmaid and have one of my other bridesmaids step up and take the role of maid of honor?
My maid of honor (let’s call her Catie) is a very close friend of mine. We have been friends for years and she has always supported my fiancé and I. She is great with planning. All of these reasons are why I picked her. When I picked catie as my maid of honor me and my best friend (let’s call her Megan ) had been in a very bad spot to the point of us losing our friendship. We have since rekindled our friendship and are on track again. If megan and I were not in that situation she would have been my maid of honor over Catie.
Recently Catie has been being a terrible maid of honor. I gave her a month to figure out my bridal shower and she planned nothing. I had to step in and pick the date, write up invites, and make a food list and basically plan my shower. Whenever I ask her to do something for the wedding it takes her weeks to get me an answer. I asked her if she would be able to make cookies for my wedding, she told me she wouldnt have time to do that for me. Now Megan, she has been amazing. When I ask her to do something she gets it done within 24 hours. Once she realized Catie was not doing her part for the bridal shower, she took over and is now planning the shower. Megan is also planning my bachelorette party because my current maid of honor is putting it off. I am upset Megan is not my maid of honor and I don’t want to look back and regret my decision. Megan is doing everything for me while it seems Catie isn’t doing anything. What am I suppose to do...

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15 Comments

Latest activity by Maggie, on June 30, 2020 at 12:20 PM

June 2021
Dj Tanner · on June 29, 2020 at 10:34 PM
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OK, first of all I’m going to try to be as supportive as possible here but seriously… You should not be asking your maid of honor to make cookies for your wedding day. When would she honestly have the time to bake cookies? Also I think you should make the decision and who you want to be your MOH and your bridesmaid based off of friendship and loyalty rather than “who will do more for you”. If someone chooses to throw a shower for you it’s considered a gift. It kind of sounds like you think it’s required of your bridesmaid or MOH to throw you a shower. I think in order to take away a lot of stress for yourself would probably be to stick to planning your own shower and figuring out your own desserts for your wedding. If you need a wedding planner then I would suggest hiring one and they can help you with the shower as well, but it just seems like you’re assuming that they’re supposed to do all of these favors for you and that’s not really what it’s supposed to be about.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on June 29, 2020 at 10:37 PM
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Also, a month to plan a bridal shower it’s not a lot of time at all. Again I definitely suggest getting yourself a wedding planner that can help you plan your own shower and help you figure out your desserts.
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on June 29, 2020 at 10:37 PM
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I don’t know why you can’t just have them both be MOH? Like I don’t think that’s enough reason to demote but I don’t think it’s bad if you make Megan co MOH
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Dedicated May 2021
Haleigh · on June 29, 2020 at 10:42 PM
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I think it would be very hurtful to "demote" someone. I honestly don't think your moh has done anything terrible, it sounds like you just regret not giving the other friend the title now that you're back on good terms. If your current moh is someone you consider a friend, do not do that to her. It's unkind and hurtful. I'd be done being someone's friend if they "demoted" me in their wedding - this is not a job to be promoted or demoted from, these are your friends.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on June 29, 2020 at 10:43 PM
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Yes This 100%
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Super May 2021
Stacey · on June 29, 2020 at 10:53 PM
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These are your friends. Not your employees. While it is true that a MOH often takes the reins when it comes to organizing pre-wedding events, it is not her responsibility...any bridesmaid or friend can do it instead. And it is certainly not her responsibility to bake cookies for your wedding?? Please don’t lose sight of the value of friendships amongst all of the noise that can surround a wedding, especially with all of the other stress I have no doubt you are dealing with right now. What you’ve suggested could ultimately be a friendship ending move, and nothing you described above seems to warrant that.
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Super November 2020
Natalie · on June 29, 2020 at 10:54 PM
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Yes! You saved me a lot of typing!
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VIP October 2020
Anna · on June 29, 2020 at 10:54 PM
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I’m in complete agreement with all of this. It shouldn’t be you assigning theses tasks to Catie or Megan, if they volunteer and wan to throw you a shower, that’s great, but the assumption that it’s their job as bridesmaid or MOH is wrong. That may be how it’s done in the movies and it may be how someone else did theirs but showers are typically thrown by a friend, not delegated to that friend by the bride. I also agree that having your MOH bake cookies for the wedding is far fetched. Honestly there’s a dish of my mom’s that I’d love to have at the reception, but I won’t ask her to make it because I know that whole weekend she’ll be busy with me.
I think demoting someone would be super hurtful, and you would definitely risk breaking that friendship and/or causing her to pull out of the wedding altogether. I at least know that would be my reaction if I were in that situation. If you want to have 2 maids of honor, then go for it, but I don’t agree that it would be fair to demote Catie.
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Expert May 2021
Michelle · on June 29, 2020 at 11:33 PM
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Totally agree with everyone. Mine MOH is simply my bestie. I do not have these expectations of her or anyone else in the wedding party.
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Expert January 2021
Katie · on June 29, 2020 at 11:41 PM
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It sounds like you’re talking about your employees not your friends.
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VIP June 2019
Hanna · on June 29, 2020 at 11:59 PM
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Completely agree with all the PPs!
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Super December 2020
Anais · on June 30, 2020 at 1:06 AM
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If you demote her you will absolutely risk ending a friendship. The people standing up next to you are supposed to be your closest friends..
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VIP December 2021
mrswinteriscoming · on June 30, 2020 at 1:18 AM
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OP I can understand your frustrations but I think you need to re-evaluate your expectations to better align them with something more realistic. I don’t think Catie has been a ‘bad’ MOH – it sounds more like you two have different timelines and viewpoints as to what she should and shouldn’t be doing.
As others have said, you could really strain your friendship with Catie over something trivial if you demote her as MOH – it’ll be a big slap in the face when she hasn’t really done anything wrong. I think you’re remorseful because had you chosen Megan she would’ve been a ‘better’ MOH because her way of doing things is more on par with you.
I also think you need to be a little nicer to Catie, you seem to be asking her to do a bit without much consideration.
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Master October 2020
Margaret · on June 30, 2020 at 7:19 AM
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Gina, I think you need to listen to all the previous posts. The first thing I gathered from your post was you only chose Catie because Megan wasn't your friend. And now that you're "Besties" again you want her. What kind of friend does that make you? It sounds like Catie has taken a step back because she probably feels the same way we all do when reading your post. You never wanted Catie and only chose her because Megan wasn't available at the time.
It is NOT the responsibility of your BP to bake and help you plan your wedding, that falls solely on you and your FH. I feel sorry for Catie, because it sounds like you're treating her poorly now because Megan is back in your life. If you opt to demote Catie, it will surely end your friendship. So unless that's what you're planning I'd rethink your plans and definitely find a way to be kinder to Catie. (HA, the PP said the same thing....)
Gina, it sounds like this is all you and you're hurting your friend deliberately all because your 1st friend came back into your life.
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VIP January 2019
Maggie · on June 30, 2020 at 12:20 PM
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While reading your post, I was thinking that if you were describing two of your employees, it would be ok to be thinking about who to demote and who to promote. But demanding favors and tasks and services from your dearest friends and rating them according to their performance? Nope, nope, nope. Please listen to everything the PP have said if you want to save your friendships.
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