Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

Beginner September 2019

Changed relationships after the guest list closed

Dawn, on June 18, 2019 at 6:03 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 14

Saved

Flag
Hide content

So my fiancé and I set a policy for our guest list that people need to be married, engaged, or living together (a relationship unit) for their partner to get a date to the wedding. We don’t have the budget or venue space for people to bring a new Tinder date or friend from high school (open plus 1’s). We’re drawing a firm line on that, even if it might not be popular in this thread, because it’s not uncommon in my friend group to not get a plus 1. I’ve gone to plenty of weddings solo, even while dating someone, and had a blast. I don’t mind if people decline coming to the wedding if they can’t bring a date.

That said, in the year since we’ve finalized our guest list, some of our guests relationship statuses have changed. Just on my side: One guy was single when the STD went out, and now he’s had a whirlwind wedding. Two others have moved in with their S/O’s. But the trickier one is a friend who moved across the country for grad school and no longer lives with his S/O, but they aren’t broken up, but both of their names were on the STD because they met “the rule” we had for dates at the time (I’ve never met his S/O).

I’ll be sending out invitations soon. Does your guest list expand (or, in the one case, contract) if your guest’s relationship status changes? Or can we say, “sorry, the guest list was finalized last year, but I’ll let you know if we end up having room for your partner after RSVPs come in”. ?

Flag
Hide content

14 Comments

Latest activity by Dawn, on June 19, 2019 at 8:57 PM

Master September 2019
Sarah · on June 18, 2019 at 6:06 PM
Flag

Hide content
No, you can’t tell someone their spouse or live in partner isn’t invited because you finalized your guest list a year in advance. They meet your rule so you need to invite them. In my opinion, you can’t rescind an invite either so you need to invite your friend’s SO. Your friend moved for school and still has the same SO. They both need to be invited. If you take that back, I’d expect to lose that friendship.
- Reply
Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on June 18, 2019 at 6:11 PM
Flag

Hide content
You absolutely need to invite the "new" significant others. All of these scenarios (and the couples that don't live together who you clearly don't care about) are valid relationships and should be treated as such. How exactly would you explain this to your friend who moved for grad school? "Sorry, the rule says that you have to live together. Your fault for bettering your life. Come alone or don't come at all."
- Reply
Beginner September 2019
Dawn · on June 18, 2019 at 6:18 PM
Flag

Hide content
I was pretty sure this was the case, I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t an extra/over what is expected. .

But, I disagree that having the cutoff means we don’t care about our friends. The wedding is about celebrating the bride and groom. My friends and I are secure enough people that we don’t need dates. It’s just not realistic to keep track of everyone’s changing relationship status over the course of a year plus. You won’t die if you don’t get a plus one.
- Reply
Master January 2019
Cassidy · on June 18, 2019 at 6:30 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
No one will die, you’re right. But I’d be annoyed if my long term boyfriend wasn’t invited simply because we didn’t live together.
My husband and I moved In together after 6 months of dating where as my sister dated her boyfriend for years before moving in together.
If someone is in a commuter long term relationship, their partner should be invited, period. If they’re single when invites go out, they don’t get a plus one. No need to keep track of everyone else’s personal lives.
- Reply
Beginner September 2019
Dawn · on June 18, 2019 at 6:44 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
That’s fine. It doesn’t bother me if they’re annoyed. It’s an invitation to a free party, not a summons. If they don’t like the terms, they’re free to RSVP no.

Disclaimer: This is coming from the bride who never wanted a wedding, but my fiancé insisted that if we didn’t have one or didn’t invite ALL his friends he would lose those friendships... and then because of BS gender norms I’m the one who got stuck with doing all the work. I’d actually be thrilled if we had a bunch of people my fiancé insisted we invite decline.
- Reply
Super September 2019
Iva · on June 18, 2019 at 6:46 PM
Flag

Hide content
Finalizing guest list a year ahead is little silly in my opinion. Having a rough guest count is of course fine, but so much can change in a year.

I think your married/engaged/living together rule is fine. I’m personally against guests bringing random +1 if they’re casually dating or they are just friends, especially to smaller/intimate weddings. But now that your friend got married & 2 others moved in together, you should honor your rule & invite their SOs. The friend that moved for school but is still in long distance relationship with her BF with whom she lived together, also should get her BF invited, as they meet your rule.
So I would just honor your own rule & try not to be too picky / strict with small details.
- Reply
VIP October 2020
Kelly · on June 18, 2019 at 7:11 PM
Flag

Hide content
You generally cannot uninvite people.
Now for inviting the changed situations have you finalized with your vendors on seating and food yet? If not and there's less than 5 people (which there seems to be) being added then I think it's much easier to just invite them. In general it's advised to give space when planning guest list until final head counts have been given so if you're not at final head count I'm not sure you can say anything was finalized.
If you're okay stepping on toes and risking a disagreement (people are petty and immature let's be honest here) with any of those people then you can hold firm on your count. It's your wedding and your comfort level with who is invited so at the end of the day all that matters is you.
- Reply
privateuser · on June 18, 2019 at 7:59 PM
Flag

Hide content
If you aren't at capacity at the venue/haven't finalized #'s with your caterer (which I'm sure you haven't), I would just save yourself the back and forth and include her. However, IF you are exactly at capacity - like you are allowed exactly 100 people at the venue and she makes 101 - and you truly think everyone is going to RSVP yes, I would like him know the situation and say the second you get a decline, you will let him know.
- Reply
Devoted October 2018
Sarah · on June 19, 2019 at 11:27 AM
Flag

Hide content
If his name was on the save the date you absolutely have to invite him, along with all your other scenarios. You should have expected things to change in a year and you need to accommodate.
- Reply
Devoted October 2018
Sarah · on June 19, 2019 at 11:29 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

A plus one is a random person. But if your friends are in relationships, their SO needs to be invited. It doesn't matter how serious you deem it. It also doesn't have anything to do with being "secure" enough to go alone.
- Reply
Super August 2006
Cassandra7 · on June 19, 2019 at 1:13 PM
Flag

Hide content
Only the two people involved can decide if they are a couple, a social unit to be invited together by name. No external judgment or standard can determine this.
Yes, the wedding is about the bride and groom. The reception, however, is a thank you to the guests for attending the wedding. If the guests have honored your relationship, you should respect theirs--no matter their living arrangements or jewelry or stated plans for the future.
- Reply
Devoted September 2020
Anna · on June 19, 2019 at 5:59 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Thank you! I share the exact thoughts. You will survive one night without your tinder hook up to eat, drink, and socialize with friends.
- Reply
Super August 2006
Cassandra7 · on June 19, 2019 at 8:54 PM
Flag

Hide content
There are people who won't go if you deny their relationship and won't forget it, either.
- Reply

Beginner September 2019
Dawn · on June 19, 2019 at 8:57 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
You’ve commented on this thread twice today - specifically to criticize the decision that wasn’t actually the subject of the post. We get you don’t agree. I apparently run in more relaxed circles than you with people who are comfortable attending events without their S/O. It’s ok. You can move on 😊
- Reply