Change of plans due to parent with cancer

It's impossible to have any kind of solid time frame until we know more about her next treatment plan, but I am confident we can put something together quickly once we have a better idea next week.

I had already booked a venue, ceremony musicians, officiant, and florist. If the worst happens sometime during the next year, I cannot imagine going through with the big wedding with only two living parents present (I lost my dad to cancer). I already have a ball gown that I still really want to wear because FMIL helped me pick it out and she loves it - I am hoping this won't look totally ridiculous at a backyard ceremony and dinner, but given the circumstances, I also don't care. We expect we'll lose all our deposits especially if those vendors (VERY likely) do not have availability for our new date - it's just crucial that FMIL spends our wedding day with us. The rest, I'm hoping we can figure out.

It certainly feels surreal to be planning such a happy event during such a difficult time, but FMIL has said many times that thinking about our wedding is what's keeping her going. It also feels strange to pour my heart out on an internet forum with strangers, but you're strangers with great advice and insight and I'm not sure where to turn right now.

I am so sorry for what you and your family are battling. Illness is never easy.

When you say "we have had a wake up call" does that include FMIL? Have you spoke to her about what she wants? Does she want you to move it up?

My dad was on the list for a liver transplant right before we got engaged (November 2015). It was really bad. We had conversations about moving things up. When I brought it up to my dad he was adamant that we don't. He wanted us to plan the wedding we always wanted. His words- If he was there for it, great! If not, he wanted us to enjoy our day in honor of him because he would always be with me.

Thankfully, he has improved and should be ok to attend in two weeks. There were several times over the past year where we weren't sure.

There is no easy answer. There is no right or wrong. It's what's best for you, FH and FMIL but talk to her. If you do move it up, rock that dress to your ceremony and out to dinner!

Many hugs and prayers with you and your family during this very difficult time- I think it's a good idea to move it up- if she is doing well enough now to enjoy it, do it.

There is no guarantee of tomorrow-- not for any of us, but cancer is fucked and takes people we love - you're never ready but if you can give her this I bet she'd be thrilled- I don't believe it sends the wrong message

Thank you @JerseyGirl. I'm so glad to hear your dad is doing better. This is a very good point. We have not discussed moving the date with her as we feel it is too soon. One of her doctors had suggested it to her earlier this week and she was upset. It's tricky, because she is adamant that she WILL be at our wedding in a year. And I love her fierce optimism - she might! - which would be wonderful. However, this disease doesn't make exceptions, and I don't want to take any chances.

Thank you for your kind words @Karen. I agree with you. I just don't want it to come off like we don't think she has time left - it's just that we know we have quality of life now and FH and I already have everything needed to get the ball rolling, so let's just do it.

My mom and aunt (they are sisters) both have cancer. My aunt is in the final stages of it now and it is breaking my heart in a million pieces. My Mom's prognosis looks better right now and I pray that doesn't change. I do not know what my Mom will be going through in a year, especially since she is losing her best friend (my aunt) which is making it all more difficult. What I do know is that if things should change for the worst, I would talk to her before making a decision on what to do. Find out what the doctors say next week and give it a few days then talk to her.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I think before you do anything talk to her. Tell her you know she will be around in may but you and fh would like to go ahead and move it up so yall can focus on her treatment. Then go from there

Thank you ladies. Once we know more next week, FH and I will talk about what we are going to do and then sit down and talk with her.

I'm so sorry for both of you that is really hard. My dad had cancer and I was set on planning a wedding within 2 or 3 months because I thought he'd be okay with something to look forward to. We lost him within 3 weeks of making that decision. It's so hard now but it made me realize that you really can't control everything.

I agree that you should talk to her. This is such an emotional thing that affects everyone and I don't think she'll feel like he's giving up. I'm sure she wants to be at her sons wedding more than anything and I'm sure she'll understand when you say that you just want her there. Keep your venue and everything. Now you've just got options. A small ceremony with immediate family (and PLEASE wear the ballgown even if you go to a courthouse) and then in a year you can have the big celebration too and hopefully she'll be there! The best thing you can do is come together as a family and allow her to express her opinion.

The best of luck to all of you and sending prayers for her.

I agree with Jordan. Go ahead and have the ceremony so you know they will be able to enjoy that. Do the dinner to follow. And keep all your stuff, to maybe do a nice reception to celebrate your wedding. If she can't make it to the party, you can do the party in her honor, but it won't have the stress and sadness of trying to do a wedding without her. My heart goes out to all you ladies in this position. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Jordan, I am so sorry for your loss. You're right, there is no way of knowing these things, especially with cancer. I would feel differently if the wedding were a few months out, but a year...

I am so sorry that you are all having to go through this. Your post - it's so heartwarming as it's obvious the connection and love you all share with her. Have a conversation with her - or have your husband talk with her on his own first - about moving the wedding date. Of course - no one knows for sure what is going to happen - I pray that whatever the next treatment option is that it is effective......

I'm really sorry. My FMIL has been battling stage 4 cancer for 6 years now. She is always on a new chemo, mostly trials, hoping that they work. When one doesn't, she moves onto another one. We have been engaged for about a year and a half now and I have also thought that we may have to pull something together quickly (wedding wise) if something did happen. As of right now, she is doing as okay as she can be considering. Don't give up as far as treatment. I would definitely talk to her and see what she says. But my FMIL has also been adamant since we got engaged that she will be at our wedding and she will be here to see her first grandchild when that time comes.

I'm so sorry. My dad died later last year, right before we were formally engaged. He also had cancer. I was so busy with helping him with medical appointments while he was sick, the idea of even planning a wedding was overwhelming. We talked about changing our plans to do a quick, small ceremony when we got the news that my dad's cancer had spread. Within 2 weeks from that last medical appointment, he passed away and we never got the chance to even share our engagement. My mom died years ago, so I won't have my parents at my wedding. I'm crying as I type this. My advise would be do whatever you can to make it happen as soon as you can.

I am so sorry that you're going through this! Having lost my mom a few years ago I understand the urgency to make sure your FMIL is a part of your day and definitely agree that it's important.

Very sorry you are dealing with this. I'm glad you are making the decision, though, and I bet his mom will be so happy to be there.

My SIL's father passed away from cancer while they were planning their wedding. They had a private little cermony with just the preacher and SIL's parents before he passed and had their wedding as planned a few months later.

The thing with cancer is that no amount of time is gauranteed, so you could jump through all these hoops to move the wedding up, and your FMIL still might not make it or be well enough to attend. IMO, I think it's better to do a private ceremony with her and continue with your original wedding plans. That way you save yourselves the added stress and just enjoy the time you have left with FMIL.

Thank you all for the support and kind words! Unfortunately there is no definite right answer to any of us in this situation as none of us have a crystal ball... but I appreciate everyone's perspectives so much.

@Dawn, you're going to make me cry too! Someone once told me that no matter how old you are, when you lose both your parents, you feel like an orphan. I'm sure you will find special ways to honor your parents at your wedding (though I know it's not the same.) Big hugs to you.

@MizzCara, 6 years! That's amazing. I hope FMIL is as successful in treatment, and she is also adamant that she will make it to our wedding and meet her grandchildren. I just feel like it's a win win if we do it now- we get to spend our wedding day with her, she still feels good enough to have a dance with her son and have a fun time, we were never even sold on our original plans and love the idea of a very intimate ceremony, and if it turns out she has years ahead of her then we're still married and we still get to spend more time with her.

I'm sorry; this sounds sad and stressful. Can you play it by ear if your FMIL isn't keen on moving up the wedding? Where did the eight week timeline come from? Is she having quality of life issues? It sounds like she was really counting on your wedding but also the year leading up to it. Maybe you can still work toward your original date but, if circumstances change with her functionality, change that to a matter of weeks.

@Kelly, the eight week timeline isn't based on anything - more like the soonest time frame we could feasibly put something together given our schedules and availability for restaurants etc. Just keeping our original date and changing plans if need be was our plan all along, just trying to figure out the right thing to do given the newest developments.