Caught Between My Mum and Dad

I'm sorry you have a difficult relationship with your dad, it's awful and I've been there. My words to you are it's your dad; like him, hate him, love him - at the end of the day he's still your dad. Your parents are still together and you can't invite one without the other.

If your father were to die tomorrow and you got married today without him, would you regret it?

As someone who had a tumultuous relationship with their father I can tell you the best thing I ever did was visit him after a 5 year absence of not speaking. Because literally a month later he died. I hate that my dad will never know my FH even though our relationship was terrible my entire life.

I’d invite both of them. I really agree with Margaret’s points, plus your mom is standing by him for better or for worse, which to me shows a strong marriage and that’s what we are all vowing and I respect that.

Different perspective, why punish yourself and your Mother by making this about him? You and your Mum will suffer the consequences of her not being there more than your Dad will. So invite them both and ignore him. He should not be allowed to have power over your happiness.

I would invite him because like others have said at the end of the day he is still your dad whether you like him or not. My dad has definitely done things I don't agree with, but he's still my dad and I love him. It sounds like your relationship with your mom is extremely important to you so if you want her to attend that means including your dad. You aren't required to have him walk you down the aisle or have a father daughter dance.

I agree i would invite him.

my mom and i have this relationship where 9/10 times i'm annoyed by her and on my wedding day it was no different but at the end of the day i can't not invite her if i want my dad there.

I agree that you should invite your dad. If something were to happen to him would you regret not allowing him to share this moment with you? And your mom too for that matter. They are married, so they are a package deal. Have you tried talking to him about your concerns about his behavior at the wedding, or is it possible to have your mom talk to him about his behavior to address some of your concerns? Either way I would say invite him. You'll have so many other guests to mingle with that day and you will pulled in so many directions that you won't have time to give his presence any energy anyway.

I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling but all he did was sit there playing on his phone and not listening to me. All in all I think I'll invite him. I have really bad anxiety attacks when I'm around him so hopefully that won't interfere. Maybe having my new family by my side will help. Here's hoping.

View Quoted Comment Honestly, all these "he's still your dad" comments are toxic af and gross. Blood relation isn't a pass to be an A-hole and still be unconditionally accepted.


That said, I think you're making the right call because, as some said, having your mom there is more important than not having him there. I would agree with PP to keep your distance. Your mom can get ready with you while your das waits somewhere else. Don't have him walk you or walk at all, he can sit in the front beside your mother (who should be end of inner aisle for you to see her.) Also, she could walk you if you want and then sitting in inner aisle last chair makes sense as it's the easiest to get to. Don't dance with him (again, could with mom or skip.) You can place their table a little away from yours or a lot and if you're having specific seating you could have his back to you at the table.
Your dad isn't receptive so talk to your mom? Ask her to keep him on good behavior and/or away from you. You can also ask her to come see/talk to you throughout the night w/o dad (maybe while he's mingling) so you can avoid going over to talk to her and having to see him?
Either way, best of luck! I wish you a smooth and wonderful wedding

Going to be the odd one out, but I don't think you should invite him. Your mental health anytime but especially on your wedding day should be a top priority. And it sounds like he will only hurt you. Yes, you'll feel sad about your mom not being there, but that's her choice really. She'd rather you have to deal with someone who ignores you and hurts you on your wedding day than stand on her own and be there for you. I think that's sad. I know you will probably just invite him, but I'm sure you know the odds of him being hurtful to you that day. If you're okay with that, then go forward with him. But I genuinely believe a wedding day is for celebrating your love and union and for inviting people who love and support you to witness it. You can always have mom on skype or zoom watching if she refuses to come without him. I wonder how willing she'd be able to come without him if you told her you were going to do that.

I recommend you invite your dad bit strongly encourage your mom to keep him in line at your wedding. If your dad approaches you at your wedding simply smile and say "thanks for coming" with a quick elbow bump or hug or handshake, whatever you choose amd walk away quickly making up an excuse "oh i have to talk to so and so and its urgent" so that he can't say anything negative to you.