Cater or cook.

I think my advice would depend on how many guests you are having. If it's more than 25, get a caterer and tell mom to just enjoy being the mother of the bride. A caterer would put my mind at ease on the food allergies as well. Despite your mom's best intentions, I would be really, really worried about cross-contamination and leave that to the professionals.

Having peace of mind that your guests can relax PLUS knowing your wedding food is being handled by professionals who are experts in cooking/keeping/serving food to large groups (thus reducing risk of cross-contamination, botulism, and beyond)...

A caterer is one of those wedding expenses that are always worth it. Even for a smaller, more casual wedding.

Don't self cater a wedding. That is one of the most universal pieces of advice you'll get for planning a wedding. The catering cost will be well worth the money.


I had a 9 guest wedding in the backyard. I can't imagine how frazzled my mother would have been if she had to worry about cooking that day. She was busy enough getting her hair done, picking up favors, being in getting ready photos. Don't do that to your mother. It could also cause food safety issues for your guests.

If it were me, I would tell my mom to sit down, relax, and enjoy the day. It would be really hard for me to know my mom were slaving away over food all throughout the wedding day rather than enjoying and soaking up every minute with us and our guests. I think your mom could settle for just okay food, if it means she gets to spend more time with you. I wouldn't want her looking back and only remembering being frazzled and stressed over food. It does depend on how many people you're having, but I would really recommend talking with your mom and explaining how you feel and going with the catering route. This is your day, but you also don't want your mom missing out.

View Quoted Comment Thank you all. I wanted to tell her to relax on my day too.


Now, I understand about the cross contamination...my mom is probably the most sensitive person in the world and for that reason, won’t even eat pizza if it’s out for over 2 hours. So I wasn’t worried about that. (And my FH will leave it out all night and have it for breakfast).
When I told her that we were looking into a caterer, she got this sad face puppy pout and said in her famous mother indifferent tone “whatever”.
She’s killing me.
But to clarify too...this will be buffet style, not plated. And I think we still have to set it up ourselves...not a big deal.
I’m grateful for the responses. This way I have some ground to stand on.

And the other kicker...


We have 150 guests.
75% is my/her family-moms one of 11.
So it’s a TON of food.

Do NOT cook at your wedding. Even if you have a venue that allows outside catering (usually backyard only), your family is vet likely not used to cooking for that big of a crowd. Never mind the food safety concerns. Plus your family will not be able to participate in helping you get ready, walking down the aisle or enjoying the reception. If a regular catering company is not an option, have food delivered in large pans from a favorite inexpensive restaurant to place in chafing dishes served buffet style. That way your family can enjoy the wedding and not be hiding away working.

Absolutely 100% do not have her cook. There are so so many things that can go wrong especially knowing there are a lot of allergies. She’ll be cooking for 2 weeks leading to the wedding and miserable the day of.

Definitely cater. Especially with 150 guests! That's way too many people for one person to reasonably cook for, especially if multiple guests have food allergies. Since it sounds like your mom really wants to cook and is disappointed that she won't be able to, my suggestion would be to have her cook for your rehearsal dinner instead, if you're having one.

Well, we’ve resolved to cater everything except the rigatoni and sauce. She wants to make her famous sauce so I’m just leaving it at that. Thank goodness for my FH being so supportive and brokering this for me. It was his suggestion.


Does anyone else have a demanding mom. It is infuriating sometimes.
But we now have a solution.
And she’s still making cookies. (Pittsburgh wedding and all haha). Gotta have the cookie table. 😁

Thanks for the support! I truly appreciate it. It helped me defend the caterer. I’m very grateful to each of you.

View Quoted Comment

Set boundaries and maintain them. Have fiancé support you 100%. Wedding planning is just the beginning of the demands from parents if you do not stop it now. Otherwise prepare for them to be demanding on other life decisions that are not their choices to make: where you live, where you spend holidays, how your kids are raised, etc,

View Quoted Comment Make sure whatever caterer you choose knows that there will be homemade food there as well. Most caterers in my area require that all the food come from them.

View Quoted Comment Thank goodness you talked her down to just 2 things! Also, very glad your FH is on your side and was able to help negotiate.



On demanding mothers, mine gets so caught up in the planning she thinks things are decided before we have even talked about them. Luckily my dad is there in her ear saying, "Honey, it's their wedding, not yours." 🤣

Omg I am so glad there is a solution!!!
Cooking for 150 people... she’d have zero memories of her own daughter’s wedding

Totally agree with everyone- tell your mom that it’ll be catered. You can give your caterer a list of foods your guests are allergic to. Your mom will not be able to really enjoy the festivities if she’s handling the food.

Does your venue have any rules regarding where the food must come from? Ours requires food to come from a licensed caterer and we weren't allowed to make anything ourselves. I would just hate for you guys to get in trouble with a venue for trying to please your mom.

It's your wedding so ultimately up to you. I'm cooking for our wedding since the cost to cater is CRAZY expensive here in NJ, we have a lot of people with food sensitivities, and I'm sorry- I don't want sucky food at our wedding (that mostly I can't even eat). Even a local or national (like Chipotle or something...tho there is almost no place like that willing to deliver to our venue, too much in boonies) restaurant or food truck other than cheapo pizza or McDonalds is still easily $30-40/person here (average wedding catering is around $120/person, not including about 30% more in tax/tips) and the food will be meh.

BUT

I have lots of experience cooking for crowds of this size...I am a really good planner and don't mind to shop around (I LOVE it) and it's super casual. I have a plan, and will not be doing any work day of (hiring helpers). We looked for a venue with this in mind and having a place that is behind that 110% (full pro kitchen, steam tables, etc) is making me even more confident in it. We aren't having any of this fuss that people usually do (seriously- dress takes 10 sec to put on...my hair will take 20 minutes only bc my friend is doing it...there is no bridal party...ceremony is going to be less than 10 minutes...groom wearing jeans to the reception...etc)

That being said...it doesn't sound like YOU are particularly stoked on having your mom cook. So I would mostly think about what YOU want to do, what sort of food you want/what type of experience you want your guests to have. Also- If your mom has never cooked for as large a group as will be at your wedding, hard stop.