Carolyn Hax: the no gift question

.: By renouncing, now and forever, any and all forms of bean-counting. Please.

You got married, yay for you! You had a wedding, yay for you! People you care about showed up to your wedding to let you know they care about you, too!

Yay for you.

That attitude isn’t just good for your soul; it’s also more polite.

A wedding invitation is not a dunning notice for a gift. A gift is given freely by your guests as a gesture of celebration, and so technically not required. A good move, yes, but required, no.

Therefore, your expecting gifts out of every guest to the point of tracking their compliance swerves way closer to rudeness than did the 10 percent you’re treating as deadbeats.

So for the soon-to-be bride and groom, think soul, not quid pro quo. Buy a gift if you feel so moved. Write a thoughtful card regardless.

Congratulations on your richness in love and friendship. I say that both as a genuine benediction and a suggested mantra for you.

Lol @we are certain to be invited to that wedding. How presumptuous.

I hope they're not.

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@Astalina, The Thirsty Goat--name the day and time xoxoxox

Me and Miss Pea by the water--she spotted a park. Of course we went!

I need to remember that bean counting snarkiness - I foresee the use of it in the near future! :-D

Happy Wednesday, and @Nonna - Miss Pea is adorable! I hope you had a whole lot of fun at the park!

@Zazzie, she is a complete riot! ty and xoxoxoxo

WTF, honestly who's counting who gave them a gift and who didn't?

The only time I paid any attention to not receiving a gift was when DH and I realized that we had two gifts with no indication as to who they were from. So we started trying to figure out who we hadn't seen anything from so we could narrow it down and make sure the person who gave us the presents got a thank-you card. No gift? Works for me, that's one less thank-you note to agonize over.

Serious question riding on here

I know gifts aren't tic for tac. But I was brought up that if someone gives you xxx amount and now it's their turn, you should give the same amount back.

Such as, high school and college graduation. My mom had me write down what everyone gave, not only for thank you cards, but so she knew when their child graduated from high school or college that she gave the same amount and not less.

For one, I wouldn't remember if I gave Susie $100 and then 4 years later Susie gave me $75 instead.

Second: I have 3 damn weddings in a row next year and if I matched them each I'm out $500 right there

I can't afford that.

I know the answer here but I'd like validation. Do I need to match the gift amount?

I hate when people who love me spend their time and money to celebrate huge life events with me only to forget my gift. I mean, why did they even bother coming if they weren't going to bring my $30 egg poacher!

@FromAtoB, I was raised that way too.

But I don't follow it.

I think the takeaway is: Give what you can and want because you can and want to.

Save those brain cells and energy for more fun endeavors!

From A to B, I would say no. Gifts are supposed to come from the heart and be given because you want to, not because that person gave you a certain value.

Plus, not everyone is in the same boat financially. One persons $200 may be another persons 50, and no one should go broke giving a gift.

I always gift based on my means at the time. Granted, I might go a little higher for some people than others, but I've never really considered it tit for tat - there's no way I'd be able to keep up with that!

@Nonna I'm always happy to see/hear about your family; you're love and pure enjoyment of them come through in every word. Thanks for sharing some of that with all of us! xoxoxoxo

I give based on what I can afford but also my relationship with the couple. For example one of my best friends got married 2 years ago, when I was newly single (boyfriend moved out and we'd been splitting bills). I was only able to give $150 at that time. This past weekend I attended a wedding for another best friend and now that I'm married and in a better financial situation, we gave $250.

I don't think it's tit for tat but I do know people who think like this when it comes to gift giving.

I do think it's wrong and rude AF to not give any sort of gift at a wedding.

No, A to B, you don't have to give exactly the same as what other people gave you. Your mother was wrong about that.

Richard, so proud to be your biz partner and ww monster-in-law xox

I had a 'friend' bride say complain about this to me once. She said it was 3 months after the wedding and some people still hadn't sent in gifts. When I told her that gifts aren't mandatory (I mean, some people just can't), she still didnt soften up. I think people see a wedding as a pay out. I should have told her it had been 3 months and I still hadn't received thank you notes for my bridal shower or wedding gift.

I don't think the idea of giving someone the same amount they gave you is inherently wrong, it's just not always practical. For my friend getting married two weeks after us, we will probably give them the same amount they gave us. On the other hand, I was one of the first among my friends to get married. A lot of my friends are likely a long way off from getting married. If they get married 10 years from now, I probably won't give them the same amount they gave me, because inflation is a thing.

We have guests coming who we didn't get gifts for at their weddings (one eloped, another specifically requested no gifts). I kind of want to tell them to not get us anything because I feel badly, and it's not like we actually need it, but then I wonder if that's more awkward than just keeping quiet

I was always raised that if your invited somewhere you don't show up empty handed. When it comes to gift giving it's the thought that counts. The very fact that someone thought to give you SOMETHING is a gift in and of itself. Even if the gift seems thoughtless it's really the gesture that counts. A card with a heartfelt message inside is a great option if $ is tight or you just don't know what to give someone. Unfortunately there are alot of people in this world that don't understand this. Unfortunately alot of people in this world are rude entitled MOFOs also.