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Expert June 2021

Can’t tell if it’s just in my head. Need advice

on February 17, 2020 at 6:05 AM Posted in Community Conversations 0 5

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Okay, so since I’ve gotten engaged on my bday Christmas Eve 2019 and have returned to work Jan 2nd and the news of my engagement had circulated I’ve just felt off by the reactions of others. Initially everyone was happy but now idk things feel weird and I can’t tell if it’s just me in my head imagining it. I’ve never been comfortable being the center of attention I’ve always been the background girl always happy to be apart of the chorus but never the lead and whenever my engagement or wedding plans get brought up at work I always feel like I have to down play my excitement to not come off all showboat-y. Or I’ll immediately change the topic after answering a question that was asked about it in fear that I was making conversations all about me which I never do. I have people pleasing tendencies and always want to be well liked and try my hardest to be the best version of myself as possible but lately it feels like I’m losing a lot of bonds I thought I made at work ever since I got my ring. And it’s sucks because I can’t tell if it’s just in my head because I’m over analyzing everything to make sure I’m not rubbing any of the ladies there the wrong way. I even still address my fiancé as my boyfriend to not make it seem like I’m showing off. I just have it in my head that if I were to reference to him and say fiancé people will think things like “he’s still your boyfriend you just have a ring but until you say I do you’re just a girlfriend with a promise to be married ring” sometimes I feel like it’s just me but then people’s lack of enthusiasm makes me feel like I’m correct. For example a couple of a child in my school asked what my plans for the weekend were. I said no plans but really I was about to tour and hopefully book my wedding venue but I didn’t want to seem like I was throwing it in their face so I said no plans. The husband went on and on about oh cmon no plans at all it’s a long weekend you have to have something planned and I said maybe some extra sleep and he still wasn’t satisfied so I finally said I’m seeing venues and he didn’t understand what that meant and his wife said apathetically “for her wedding”. And I said yeah. I was surprised because I never told her I was getting married and if she knew this whole time I was thrown off by the lack of a congratulations from her. Me and this parent I thought were in very good standing. But anyway I just don’t know what’s real and what’s in my head. I hate that my fiancé gets referred to as my boyfriend and that since other people refer to him that way that I do now too to not come off showboaty. But if I’m being honest I am so happy and over the moon to be getting married I love my fiancé and we just booked our all inclusive wedding venue Saturday and we cannot wait to finally say I do. I feel like I’m bursting at the seams to let all the happiness I truly feel reflect on the outside but in fear of coming off wrong to others I keep it all inside.

I’m sorry for the long drawn out paragraph. I’ve just been harboring these feelings for the last month and needed to vent and hopefully get advice. I honestly have no one outside of my fiancé to talk to about the wedding and it’s been a very lonely experience nothing like you see in the movies.

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5 Comments

Latest activity by Samantha, on February 17, 2020 at 2:19 PM

Expert October 2021
Samantha · on February 17, 2020 at 6:18 AM
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As long as you aren't waving your hand in people's faces and waxing poetic about your wedding everyday, you are fine. Refer to your fiance by name, no need to give a title each time. There is nothing wrong with being happy. The fact is once you've told everyone, they are happy for you then they move on with their own lives. As for the couple you mentioned, she noticed the ring on your finger, figured you were keeping your personal life private and felt annoyed at her husband for prying. She can't congratulate you on something you didn't announce to her. She was being respectful of your privacy.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on February 17, 2020 at 7:14 AM
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♥️ I get this completely. Its okay to not want to brag. Just remember this is an amazing time for you and the only person you have to share any details with is your FH because you and him are the only 2 people that need to know anything at this point. I’ve been going through tons of emotions since I got engaged all these feeling are normal and you don’t owe anyone anything except of course your devotion to your FH. Get excited girl this YOUR TIME TO SHINE! ♥️
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January 2019
MOB So Cal · on February 17, 2020 at 8:02 AM
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In reading your description, my first thought was you are WAAAAY overthinking all of this. I get that, but, honestly, I'm nearly certain the people you are interacting with are not having all these lengthy reactions and analyses of things you say in everyday conversation. You're engaged! People know that and probably assume you are planning your wedding. Like a pp said, if you were talking non-stop to anyone who crossed your path about wedding details, that would likely get a negative reaction, but calling your fiance your "fiance" isn't showboating. If someone asks what your weekend plans are, to say, "we're going to visit possible wedding venues" is perfectly acceptable -- really no different from saying something like, "we have some errands to do" -- it's all good. My read would be that the dad was just trying to make polite conversation. Also, I don't know about your relationships with your students' parents, but I wouldn't expect them to be overly excited about my engagement (especially 6+ weeks after you returned to school engaged). They probably just want to pick their child up and move on to the next thing on their long list before they get home for the day.
Try to relax and enjoy this time. I highly doubt most people you are interacting with are analyzing everything you say. (If these seemingly overwhelming thoughts about how others are seeing you are something you deal with all the time, you might want to consider some counseling -- this would be exhausting to me.) Good luck!
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Dedicated September 2020
Alys · on February 17, 2020 at 11:17 AM
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Its not bragging to refer to your fiancé as your fiancé. It’s just descriptive, like saying my earrings or my parents. Just a description. Most people, unless you’re close friends, will not have a large reaction to you gettin engaged or married beyond a perfunctory how nice, congrats.

I agree with other posters that you might be overanalyzing and worrying unnecessarily. Relax, no one is judging your for being engaged and no one will think you referring to your fiancé is braggy. For reference, I refer to my fiancé as both fiancé and boyfriend interchangeably. I’ve just called him boyfriend for so long, it’s habit. Also, I’ve had lots of acquaintances refer to him as my husband despite having introduced him as my fiancé. They probs assumed we got married since the last time we saw them. I never correct them regardless if they say husband, boyfriend, or fiancé. I just don’t care. People are forgetful. If we were close personal friends I would expect them to remember.
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VIP October 2020
Samantha · on February 17, 2020 at 2:19 PM
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I agree that you are overthinking. People probably were genuinely happy for you and then they just lost interest, which is totally normal. Nobody will be as excited as you are about your wedding day and that's totally okay. People will get excited again when your date gets closer. It's not showboating to call your fiance your fiance. It's just a fact, like you called him your boyfriend when you got together and will presumably call him your husband once you get married. When using those other titles do you feel you're being showboaty? I worry about talking about my wedding too much so I try not to bring it up in conversation unless someone asks because I don't want to be obnoxious about it (unless I'm talking to my mom who is ALWAYS excited or my FH, since it's OUR day). But it sounds like you're taking that a step further. You can answer direct questions, you don't need to be evasive. I seriously doubt that anyone in your life is filled with envy or anger that you're getting married. They're probably just happy for you and dealing with their own lives. It does sound like you have pretty bad anxiety though. Is this just wedding related, or do you worry like this a lot? If it's the latter, I don't think that a therapist is a bad idea. They can help you with some coping mechanisms.
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