Can’t afford to be a bridesmaid

I would just tell her that you hate that you won't be able to participate in her wedding, but that you weren't aware of the costs that would be involved aside from a dress. If you're honest and just explain that it's a lot of money (which it totally is) and it would put you in a financial strain, she should be understanding of that.

I think any reasonable person who is requesting others spend that kind of money on them understands that there is a good chance others may not be able to or choose not to.


I would simply tell her "I would love to stand up for you but I cannot afford to attend. I hope you have a wonderful wedding day, I will be thinking of you".

Could you stay in another hotel? And could your husband not attend? If you still can't afford, I'd just text or call her and be honest about your budget. If a bridesmaid reached out to me and said that, I would have for sure helped her pay for things to get her there.

My cousin is getting married in Cancun today, and I wasn’t able to go because it would have cost me about $1500 for a 3 night stay and between having a child to take care of, and my own wedding to pay for I just couldn’t swing that kind of money. Even the bride’s mother was having a hard time affording it and I’m not sure if she was able to go.


They’re having a reception stateside at a later date for all those who weren’t able to make it. And completely understood people’s financial constraints.
Hopefully your friend is the same way.

I’d talk to her. Staying at a five star hotel is kind of unreasonable to ask people to do. I’ve been super conscious of costs on things for my bridesmaids. Many people say “it’s your day do what you want”, but who’s want to make their closet friends uncomfortable?

View Quoted Comment I could stay in another hotel, but I’d have to pay for Uber back and forth from the venue to my hotel.
And I don’t want to travel out of state without my husband.
Even if she helped pay, I don’t think I’d be able to afford it..

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Then I'd just call her immediately & let her know.

You should just be very honest with her. Tell her that, unfortunately, being a part of her wedding will cause financial strain on you and your family. Apologize and let her know you were unaware of the required expenses when you first agreed to be a bridesmaid. But I would do this ASAP so she can plan accordingly.

View Quoted Comment So I told her. She offered for me to stay at her place and have her bridal shower donate money to pay for my flights...

I am having a small wedding party and knew upfront that my friend was in a tough financial situation, but she told me she was saving up for a flight and hotel, and I offered to pay for everything else (dress, hair and makeup, etc) since I am able to do so. If she was planning on attending as a guest and not in the bridal party, she would have to spend money for a flight and hotel regardless, so I wanted to cover the “extra” expenses for being a bridesmaid. If she really wants you to be in the bridal party, she may offer similar gestures. But if she can’t help financially, I’m sure she would understand if you couldn’t afford it.

View Quoted Comment If it was me, I would not be comfortable with her shower being a fundraiser. That would not be ok with me at all.

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Agreed.. this is really uncomfortable. Not that you have a thing to be ashamed of- just that putting it on display at a bridal shower that you aren't able to afford the trip and asking other people to pay is uncomfortable.

I think its really unfair of any bride to ask someone to be their bridesmaid and not fill them in on expectations. I think people get so caught up in the moment that no one clarifies whether its going to be a "I want a bridal shower and destination bachelorette and its a destination wedding and the dresses I want you to buy are expensive and everyones shoes and jewelry have to match and please help me pick a dress and plan and label envelopes" vs "a please show up wearing something sorta like this color and that's it" wedding. Because what a bridesmaid needs to do and pay for is so variable, I really think these conversations need to be way more common. No one should really be agreeing to anything unless it is clear what is involved.

I think you should address this with the bride ASAP. Let her know you love her and want to support her but simply cannot swing the finances required to be her bridesmaid. It's better to have this discussion sooner rather than later.

Also I do think you should consider whether it's the bridesmaid part that it putting you over, or the wedding itself. You should probably be clear whether or not you simply cannot attend because the travel and hotel are too much, or if its just the extra cost of dress, parties, etc and you'd still plan on going just as a guest if you didn't have the financial burden of all the bridesmaid stuff.

I did have a friend who was a bridesmaid in a wedding and went solo because it was too expensive to bring her husband along. Both of them were from the Seattle area but living on the East Coast, and she was asked to be a bridesmaid in a wedding back home. A friend on the East Coast was getting married the same day, so she went to Seattle and was a bridesmaid, and her husband stayed here and went to the other wedding with me. I was just going to go solo and he didn't want to go the wedding alone, so we went together and had so much fun!

I FEEL YOU.
i am going regardless buttttt because of how much everything will cost [mine is also going to be out of state], i reduced it in these ways:
1] only i am going - i don't need my husband to go and quite frankly he isn't that interested in attending a wedding far away and plus that helps reduce travel costs and lodging, etc since i can just crash on my bride's couch rather than getting a separate hotel room if we both went.
2] the likelihood of all pre wedding events [shower and bachelorette] being in that state is high and so i kind of already made the decision that i just cannot go to all of them. it's A LOT of money to keep traveling for small trips and i know the bride is fine with that because that was the same reasoning for her missing out on my bachelorette. it's a lot of money overall.