Cancelled wedding etiquette

If you were to have specific items, it's the couple's responsibility to pay for those. Since the wedding is off, they need to reimburse you every penny spent. Be upfront and plain in asking. "Since the wedding is cancelled, I need to be paid back for everything I spent".

Well in regards to gifts I do not think you could ask for that back. Could you ask for the vendors (HMUA,etc...) and ask for a refund for them? You could try and tell the couple that you would like to be reimbursed for their wedding but I am sure they are highly sensitive right now due to the end of the relationship and may not respond well. You have every right to be upset but I would maybe start with I am sorry that the wedding is off, can you please give me the contact info so I can request money back or how will you be able to reimburse us? I know they asked for specific gifts but a gift is a gift and I do not foresee them reimbursing. What kind of gift was it? Is it returnable? Are the outfits returnable? I am so sorry but this is a stick situation.

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Thank you, it make me feel a little better. I am stuck between feeling unreasonable and very upset. I think I am more upset than the bride is...

The gift is exactly that, a gift. However, as far as everything else I would tell them “ since the wedding is canceled & we spent XY& Z on this, I want to be reimbursed for the $$$ I put in for it.

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Thank Kristen, I appreciate your comment. It truely is a sticky and tricky situation.

I actually live outside the USA, and had to purchase a Vera Wang dress, had it shipped to my country and pay import duties and taxes. (These were the type of very specific items; dress, shoes, jewellery, suit, cuff links, socks etc) To send it back is not possible as it had to be fitted and shortened already.

I think the thing that I find incredibly upsetting is the fact that the bride is not upset at all, she was so nonchalant and "by the way" the wedding is cancelled that I am still a bit in shock. That is partly why I feel she should at least reimburse her bridal party for all the costs... but I also wanted to see if my emotions are making me too unreasonable at the moment.

The gift part is the least of the costs, but I do believe that if you do not get married it is proper etiquette to send all the gifts back, including engagement, bridal shower and wedding gifts. At least that is what I read about cancelled wedding etiquette...

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Oh crap. That sucks. She did not even acknowledge you all spending that money? I worry that when you ask for the money she is going to be rude. That is not a good friend and she will upset some people so I hope she is willing to pay back. Sucks to put this work on you but can you resell the dress? Wow a vera wang dress? She was a high expectation bride for sure lol. I do hope she complies nicely.

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Thanks Michelle, I appreciate your comment. So I will definitively have that tricky conversation when I see her.

View Quoted Comment Yes every etiquette book states very clearly that if the wedding is cancelled, guests are alerted promptly with sincere regret, gifts are returned to guests, wedding party is reimbursed for their expenses. Unfortunately a growing number of people do not feel that etiquette applies to modern society in any way and refuse to believe otherwise.

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Nope no acknowledgement at all... so shocking. I will be able to sell it to recover a portion of the costs if it comes to that.

I think that if I am reasonable and she is rude, she might not be a friend worth keeping...

Thank you for your reply

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Very true unfortunately. I am very old fashioned and as a bridesmaid I am going to do my last wedding duty and inform her that it will be the proper thing to do. I am 100% sure my husband is going to have the same conversation on the (ex)groom's side.

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Only thing I can think of this is how she is processing the end of a wedding and her relationship. Yeah I do she responds well. Good luck.

View Quoted Comment Do what you need to. Anything beyond that will only reflect badly on them.

If she made you buy a Vera Wang dress on top of other expensive items for her wedding, she was never much of a friend to begin with.


I also thought all gifts should be returned and all expenses reimbursed if a wedding is cancelled. At least, I'm sure she's getting some of her money back from the HMA.
I'd act sympathetic, ask about refunds, offer to try talking to the vendors directly.

Oh wow. I definitely do not envy the situation you are in. If this was one of my best friends, my first concern would likely be about her emotional well-being. Tbh, I don’t think I would even worry about the expenses if this were to happen to my BFF. However, I don’t feel any of my friends would require such particular and expensive items be purchased for their wedding. I see from one of your previous comments you feel the bride is nonchalant about her wedding being canceled and her relationship ending. If she truly hasn’t expressed any sadness or remorse about the situation, I would likely say something along the lines of “I am sure this is a very hard time for you, and you probably have a ton of things to take care of as far as canceling the wedding, etc. If I can help in any way, please let me know. And I completely understand if it will take you a few months to reimburse the members of the wedding party for all their expenses.” That way, you are approaching her in a non-confrontational manner, but it still gets the point across without leaving the topic open for discussion (ie, I am not asking if you will reimburse me, I am politely and “nonchalantly” telling you that you will)

I think for things like hair and make up they should pay you back since they should be getting it reimbursed from the vendor. But everything else I think you’re just SOL. If they plan another date or whatever, I definitely wouldn’t spend any more money, but I think asking for the money spent on the gift/parties/dress is tacky. And you can potentially sell the dress. I wouldn’t agree to be in their wedding party again though.

I never understood the whole “bossing around the ppl you love the most and demand things from them for your wedding” thing first and foremost. Its no way to treat people that the bride n groom supposedly cares about. The “gift” was a -wedding -gift. Since the wedding is no longer taking place they aren’t entitled to a wedding gift any longer. I’d ask for everything back. No bride or groom should EVER make or demand the ppl in their bridal party to pay for/buy anything. I would be very upfront with them about it and just ask them how they plan on reimbursing you for the small fortune you spent.

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Thanks Hope, I appreciate your comment. The wedding and relationship is completely cancelled. I do not think they are getting back any deposits from the vendors as the wedding was only a week away. I definitely don't want to be tacky, but some of the bridal party had to loan money for their expenses for the wedding (not us luckily) and that it is not okay to disregard their contribution/expenses especially in these pandemic economic times.

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Thanks Willow, I appreciate your comment and your suggestion. Will definitely keep in mind when I chat to her.

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Thanks Chrysta, this helps so much. What a great way of stating it directly without sounding insensitive. I would actually not have worried about the expenses if she just handled the whole situation and break up differently. One of the bridemaids and two of the groomsmen had to borrow money to pay for everything.... or they would not be allowed to attend the wedding. I feel that her true colours were shown in the wedding planning and cancelling process. The whole thing is so shocking and upsetting to me. I appreciate your comment!

View Quoted Comment Wow. It doesn’t sound like this person was the greatest friend. And to demand such extravagant things from those closest to her for a wedding/relationship that obviously wasn’t a solid thing

I hope everyone gets their money back