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Dedicated January 2020

Cancel bachelorette party?

Amina, on August 21, 2019 at 6:43 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 4

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So I’ve been having the absolute worst experience with my bridesmaids. One already dropped out months ago after I had to track her down and figure out why she never responded to not one message about the wedding. I also never heard from her outside wedding talk unless I reached out to her and never saw her even tho she lived 20 min away. She didn’t have time apparently but had time to make multiple posts about other friends getting engaged and go to their bachelorette parties all within 6 months. Another girl dropped out of the bachelorette party a month before final payments are due even tho she had already made comments before about her possibly not being able to afford it. Idk why she agreed to go just to back out, now the other girls payments will increase. Now my FH’s sister doesn’t want to go on the trip or be a bridesmaid because they got in an argument about her bf who manipulates her and uses her for her money while she claims to never have any and always has to ask FH for money and he’s tired of supporting her (him). So now she’s out. And (I know, it’s a lot), another bm in Germany told me her dad’s in jail for a dui and wants to go visit him the weekend of the wedding in January and it will be too much financially to go before the wedding and that’s why she hasn’t been responding to any messages or bought her dress but won’t tell me if that is going to affect her ability to be a bridesmaid because she hasn’t responded to my messages in 3 days. 2 more (FH’s brothers gf and his cousin’s gf) won’t even make it to the venue until “3pm” the day of the wedding, ceremony is at 5:30 because they don’t want to get their make up done too early and have chosen someone an hour away and are completely confused as to why I would be upset about that even after I’ve told them the drama with everyone else. I have come to the absolute breaking point with this bridal party and I have no idea how to even salvage it at this point. It’s really making me regret wanting a bridal party in the first place. I may just ask them all to just come as guests. Please help!

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4 Comments

Latest activity by Sinéad, on August 27, 2019 at 7:31 AM

Dedicated October 2019
Melissa · on August 21, 2019 at 8:24 AM
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I'd say forget the bachelorette party with your maids, maybe try something different with other friends or co-workers. I'd definitely try to get all your bridesmaids together who will actually be at your wedding and get everyone on the same page on where they need to be on your wedding day and what time.
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January 2019
MOB So Cal · on August 21, 2019 at 9:14 AM
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If I'm remembering correctly, you've posted a few times about these frustrations. I completely understand being disappointed your friends cannot all be as available and involved as you'd hoped, but for your own peace of mind I think you might be better off rethinking your wedding party and expectations of them. Like with all things, it's nearly impossible to change other people, we can only change/control our response to them. Unfortunately, it sounds like several of them have financial or time constraints that will prevent them from participating in some or all of your events. You might think about how you can come to terms with that and what you want to do regarding that reality. One option would be to accept that you'll likely have a smaller wedding party and fewer or different events than you originally imagined. But, those can still be really wonderful things. In an earlier post, I believe you mentioned you thought the bachelorette they were planning was too expensive, so maybe it would be best to cancel that. Maybe there is something simpler and local that you and your available friends can do to celebrate, that would reduce the stress on everyone -- but especially you. As far as the wedding, a smaller number of BMs really can be a good thing. If you know in your heart that all these women are people you love and that love you, just try to accept that they are doing the best they can. If they can participate in your wedding, AWESOME! Be grateful for whatever they can do. If they cannot participate, let them know you understand they want to be there for you, but just can't make it work -- and that doesn't change how you feel about them & their friendship. But, come to terms with their reality and move on. Of course a second option would be the WW favorite of "firing" those who you don't really want to continue relationships with. Only you know what you want long term.
Daughter got married last January, and for her Sept thru January were crazy busy with last minute/final preparations. That was stressful enough without constantly worrying about/dealing with wedding party drama. It may be time to decide you're going to change your mindset and move on. Good luck to you!
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Dedicated October 2019
Yana · on August 21, 2019 at 11:39 AM
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How many bridesmaids do you have in total? you can still have an amazing bach with just your closest girls! it seems like everyone is busy dealing with their own issues and you cant blame them; everyone has their own stuff going on.
weird that your one bm had to plan a visit that exact same weekend in January... sounds like just an excuse to me... did you plan on taking bridal party pictures before your ceremony at 5:30? if so if they arrive at 3pm already with their hair/makeup done it seems like more than enough time for pix. i understand you would want to get ready all together but that shouldn't be a dealbreaker
how many maids do you have remaining after these few dropped out?
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WeddingWire Administrator January 2025
Sinéad · on August 27, 2019 at 7:31 AM
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Hey Amina! I’m so sorry that you are going through this with your bridesmaids.
How many BMs do you have in your original wedding party?
It can be hard to come to the realization but not everyone will be as excited as you are about your wedding and people’s lives still go on. Their BM position at your wedding may not be their top priority when they are going through their own personal and financial struggles.
I think the best thing that you can do is to talk to each of them individually and talk about what is going on in their lives. If you feel like it is something that you want, you could offer them the chance to attend your wedding as a guest if they feel that they cannot commit to attending your wedding in the capacity you were hoping for.
Where are you going for your bachelorette party? Would it be an option to plan something that is more local so that your BMs will not feel such a financial strain to attend?
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