Can someone decline as a bridesmaid but still attend?

Or it’s “I have terrible anxiety and the thought of standing up in front of a bunch of strangers makes me want to throw up”...

Realistically, there’s a bunch of reasons someone might decline being a bridesmaid, no matter how chill the bride might be.

I can’t imagine telling one of my closest friends that they’re not invited to my wedding because they don’t want to be a bridesmaid.

There are tons of reasons people decline the invite to be a bridesmaid. They can’t afford the dress, they feel pressured to attend pre-wedding events, they have social anxiety, etc. Really, they don’t need any excuse at all.

View Quoted Comment She’s not disinviting her. She just finds it weird that even though she declined, she’s still attending but now that i think about, if you (as a bride) really had a close relationship with this person, she (potential bridesmaid) would’ve confided in the bride and said, “hey, I’m so sorry... I would love to but I have______” there would’ve been a discussion. If the bride took the time to write her a heartfelt note with the bridesmaid proposal gift, you would think she would it owe it to the bride to talk to her- money issues, anxiety/body image, so much going on, etc...and I know the bride would’ve understood

View Quoted Comment Writing someone a heartfelt note doesn’t mean that they owe you any kind of explanation of their financial circumstances or mental health. That’s not how it works.

Heartfelt notes and bridesmaid proposal gifts are very rarly pure intentioned and instead something just wants to post on their Instagram. They are so over the top and showy. Her note has nothing to do with anything.

View Quoted Comment I don’t discuss things that pertain to my anxiety (ie triggers, symptoms, etc) with anyone outside of my FH and my immediate family (mom, dad, sister). Hard stop. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been my best friend for 3 months or 30 years. Part of what helps me cope is to process the thing triggering me, come up with a solution- in this case it would be declining being a bridesmaid, and then move on. Once you start explaining your reasons to people they begin looking for their own solutions.

Lets say it’s a body image thing:
Friend: “I’m sorry I can’t be in your wedding. I’m just not comfortable standing up in address in front of people right now. I’m not comfortable with my current body”
Bride: “honey, you are fabulous. You look great and shouldn’t be worried about that at all”
Bride thinks she’s being encouraging, but for someone with body image issues who may also have anxiety, she’s making it 100 times worse.

*in a dress

Yes, some folks dont want to be in the spotlight, they cant affkrd the attire, or devote time to be part of the wedding party.

I agree there can be lots of reasons why a person might decline being a bridesmaid and prefer to attend as a guest. If it were me, I'd be understanding of the friend's decision.

I agree anxiety, body issues , affording a new BM dress in top of flight and hotel. It can be a number of things. I did not ask my best friend to be a BM cause I know she would not enjoy it. Just my sisters and nieces.

Even if she doesn't attend events, being a bridesmaid typically entails pressre to takure time off of work for a bridal shower, assist with dress shoppin, physically and mentally, being there to vent to and console with, possibly attending a bachelorette party, helping out with tasks, helping to pick out bridesmaids dresses and outfits, purchasing a dress and all the accessories and shoes, possibly hair and makeup. Being a bridesmaid on average costs about $1000 and it's a lot of work even if the bride isn't a bridezilla.

Not sure if it's a financial strain or if she's got some stuff to deal with, but everyone has their reasons. Real friends don't assume and a response doesn't have to align to the reasoning you listed. Life is complicated and not just black and white.

View Quoted Comment

100% this.

You may not have had the intention, but to say that "If the bride took the time to write her a heartfelt note with the bridesmaid proposal gift, you would think she would it owe it to the bride to talk to her" is very insensitive and quite frankly, rude. It's no one's business but her own, regardless of how she was asked to be in the bridal party.

View Quoted Comment Amen to that.

Of course they can.

I wouldn't agree to be a bridesmaid if I could only attend the wedding and do nothing else. Just because the bride is ok with that doesn't mean the other BMs are. They might have expectations that the bride doesn't know about (parties, chipping in for gifts, etc) If I knew couldn't do any of that, to be fair to them, I'd decline.

Yeah, it may seem strange on the surface, but I bet it makes complete sense to this friend. There could be a lot of other things going on, or she just might prefer the experience of a guest.

View Quoted Comment This is true. And I have declined being a bridesmaid a couple of times, for reasons that would have upset people, and were absolutely none of the bride's business. Bride's known for thinking anything they put on their Facebook page seen only by their 25 closest friends and family, is really keeping things in strictest confidence. Which means, in addition to the reason's being none of the bride's business, telling her would have informed 50 people overnight, who would tell how many more? But I did give solo, or with family, the shower. And did attend the wedding. I was still happy for the brides and grooms , and both brides asked Why? But had the grace to accept, personal reasons, that I cannot share without hurting others. And were happy I at least did the shower, and attended the wedding. People often forget a very basic tenet of good manners: People do not owe you any explanation for declining an invitation, or a request, or honor. Good manners says, you simply accept it , and assume, they would not decline without good reason. And leave it at that. Any friend who drops someone from the guest list, cutting off the friendship, because someone declines being a BM or MOH is not much of a friend, as well as being ill mannered.