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Leah666
Just Said Yes July 2022

Can i prevent fil from drinking at my wedding?

Leah666, on May 13, 2022 at 7:22 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 15
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Can I limit alcohol to my soon to be father in law at my wedding? He has had several dwis one less than 2 months ago where he hit 3 other vehicles and he was in the hospital for a week. The state that i live in doesn't seem to punish him enough and he was able to rent another vehicle. Previously he did drugs and drank he got on his motorcycle and hit a tree and had to be mercy flighted and broke his back and neck. This is nothing new. Not sure how to handle my wedding. It's only 25 people and I don't want to baby sit him. I called him to talk about it and he said don't worry about it. He hasn't stopped drinking and I don't want to be responsible for anything happening to him or someone else. That's horrible. This is giving me a lot of anxiety. We aren't close and neither is my fiance (his mom - now deceased from her drug and alcohol issues and him were awful parents) I didn't want to invite him but my fiance did.


The question is how do we limit or control his alcohol intake at the wedding? Thank you!

15 Comments

Latest activity by Lady, on May 16, 2022 at 5:23 PM
  • Grace
    Devoted June 2022
    Grace ·
    • Flag
    The best way to limit or control alcohol would be to make it a dry wedding, which is probably not what you want. If it’s being served by someone, you could potentially tell them to only serve your FFIL x amount of drinks but that might cause an argument/scene at the wedding. If it’s self serve, you could purchase enough alcohol for everyone to only have 1-2 drinks. But again, I think the best way to ensure he doesn’t get drunk is to not have alcohol. You know him better than we do. Is there any chance he’s the kind of person who wouldn’t get drunk at your wedding because he knows it’s important? The thought of my wedding causing a drunk driving accident would terrify me. Maybe you could talk to him about Ubering to and from the venue rather than driving himself?
    • Reply
  • Leah666
    Just Said Yes July 2022
    Leah666 ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    Hi I tried talking to him about ubering. He doesn't care. I'm hoping he will just not drink for 1 day because we begged hungry not to.
    • Reply
  • Pam
    Savvy May 2022
    Pam ·
    • Flag

    Having a professional bartender who will cut off guests would be the best way. Also, consider arranging transportation for him in advance as a courtesy for him as father of the groom. If it's presented as a positive for him to fully enjoy the day - and if you/your fiance make the arrangements/pay for it - he may be more amenable. Good luck!

    • Reply
  • Sloane
    Super May 2022
    Sloane ·
    • Flag
    I agree with Pam. A professional bartender would be the best route as they can monitor and refuse the right to serve. However as previous poster said a dry wedding would be the safest but I’m sure that’s not an option you care to entertain.
    • Reply
  • Ashlee
    Rockstar September 2022
    Ashlee ·
    • Flag

    Maybe he can ride with someone responsible? That way he doesn't even have a car as an option.

    • Reply
  • Lisa
    Rockstar July 2022
    Lisa ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    I agree with all of this! A professional bartender who is trained in knowing when to cut someone off would be a good idea. And I also agree with the suggestion of providing transportation for him if possible.
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar August 2021
    Michelle ·
    • Flag

    You cannot control or "babysit" another adult. If your partner wants him at the wedding, then you should respect this decision and your future FIL, no matter his past. Focus on what you can control in your wedding, then notify your bartending professionals and security to watch out for this particular person. Provide transport for your FIL and make it positive.

    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    Unfortunately the only way to monitor his drinking is not invite him or have a dry wedding. The bartenders can and do to a degree as part of their job but they don’t know from the beginning to limit his intake and if they cut him off, who’s to say he won’t bribe another guest into getting drinks for him? It does happen. Addicts do anything to feed their vices. Security is required by many venues for this reason as well.
    • Reply
  • Jacks
    Champion November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    Unfortunately, this. I'm not sure you can control what he does.

    • Reply
  • Leah666
    Just Said Yes July 2022
    Leah666 ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    Edit
    I have set up Uber for everyone since the venue is almost 2 hrs away.
    • Reply
  • Gillian
    Dedicated October 2022
    Gillian ·
    • Flag
    Alcohol abuse is a difficult thing to navigate sometimes. Others have offered some good suggestions such as a dry wedding, limiting intake by professional bartender, and so on.
    I work in trauma so I hear what you’re concerns are. I highly recommend someone (family/trusted individual) takes away his keys to drive if he does show up in a vehicle at the beginning of the night. Best case scenario if he drinks, is that he is secured transportation home and then returned his car key the following morning.
    Obviously, we don’t want to let anyone get behind the wheel while intoxicated. If you are not able to stop him from driving while under the influence, it is not your fault. His actions belong to him and only him. Legally, you can call the police to report/stop him from driving under the influence of alcohol for his safety and the safety of others. You can remain anonymous with law enforcement during the phone call or not, up to you. While family may be upset in the moment, they should realize later that it was the right thing to do to keep everyone alive.
    • Reply
  • Leah666
    Just Said Yes July 2022
    Leah666 ·
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    I appreciate the advice. He becomes quite aggressive if that's the case. I've been there before. I have called police on him before too. The wedding is an hr and a half from home and I've tried to set up transportation which he thinks is a joke. He is the only family member on my fiance side that will be at the wedding my family has offered to help. My fiance has
    Removed himself from the rest of his family's lives since they are all like this or enablers. I'm unsure how any of this will go because at this point the dad thinks it's a game and funny. I have asked the venue to be serve shots and ideally not serve him. Thanks for the advice to you and everyone
    • Reply
  • Gillian
    Dedicated October 2022
    Gillian ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Of course.
    Maybe you should talk to your fiancé about the reason that he wants him to attend? Is it because he’s the only family he talks to anymore? Does he still have a good relationship with him? However the conversation goes, try to be understand if your fiancé’s feelings. Maybe you will both come to the realization that he shouldn’t attend or maybe you’ll understand why your fiancé wants him there. Despite substance abuse, they are still family.
    Unfortunately, a lot of people who do abuse alcohol don’t realize the severity of actions until something severe happens, and sometimes not even then- depending on if/when they achieve sobriety. You know your family and the situation best. Do what you can, and know that other people’s actions are not your responsibility. Enjoy the night and get yourself and your family home safely as best as you can. I wish you the best.
    • Reply
  • Corinne
    Savvy May 2022
    Corinne ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Sorry to hear your FH’s father is treating this all like a joke. I’m sure you and your FH have put a lot of thought, time, effort, and money into planning your special day and it must be hurtful to have someone blatantly disrespect your wishes.


    I agree with PPs that one option available to you is to rely on your bartender to cut him off. Ideally, a professional should know how to handle this situation BUT I would have an honest conversation with said bartender beforehand. I’d want to make them fully aware of the situation so they’re not blind-sided and suddenly feel they’re responsible for potential family drama. So, just talk to them first.
    Also agree with other comments about talking to your FH about why he wants his father there. It sounds like the man really just doesn’t care about you or your wishes and it’s causing a ton of stress. As a recovering addict myself, I feel for your FIL and his struggles, but it’s no excuse to disrespect and hurt other people. You and your FH need to carefully consider what is going to hurt more: having the difficult conversation of telling him he can’t come, or having him attend and potentially act out or even harm someone or himself. Of course this is a very personal decision for you two, but frankly I wouldn’t allow him to attend if I was that concerned about his drinking and the issues it might cause.
    • Reply
  • L
    Lady ·
    • Flag

    Either make it a dry wedding completely or make sure to have reputable bartenders whos job it is to cut people off.

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