Budget, who pays for what!?

Instead of suggesting what they should pay for, you should ask. Ask them if they just want to give you a specific amount to use how you please, or if they’d prefer to select the items/vendors they want to pay for. If you’ve already looked into some vendors, you could come prepared with a list of roundabout prices so that they know what they’re signing up for.

I want this to come off as kind as possible. Mods, I mean no malice.

I would meet with each set of parents separately (especially if there are any step family to consider). I would ask them how much they are willing to spend (I would find it presumptuous to come in with a set figure for them). During these meetings set expectations around what paying for part of the wedding means. Does it mean they get a few seats for their friends? Does it mean they get a say in what they are paying for? Will this be a cash gift with no strings attached? Can they just cut a check for the lump sum so you can spend without checking in? If they want to put it on credit cards, would they be willing to have you as an card holder on the account? Will they be sharing in liability for the event (will they need to sign for the event insurance?)?

I hope this helps. I know they may want to pay for everything but if your FS and you can I would set money aside each month from your paychecks as “just in case” money. It’s sad but things happen and you don’t want to be on the hook for a wedding you can afford.

If they've already offered, I would just ask them each how much they are willing to contribute or if there was something specific they wanted to help with instead of giving them handing them an item or two to pay for. That seems a little rude and presumptuous to me. Also, you could just tell them that "we've priced out what we think is reasonable catering/venue/etc for these 100 people and it will probably run about XX amount, is there a portion of that you're willing to help with?"

You have to be ok with whatever they offer. Some people prefer to handle one portion, like catering - others would rather just pay their "portion" of the total and give you a check.

View Quoted Comment I was kinda thinking the same thing. Like bring some options for vendors to make it easier on them but also use vendors that I somewhat prefer.

View Quoted Comment My exact thoughts going into this. I want to budget everything around what him and I can afford not what our parents can afford bc I don’t want anything to come up where we are stuck. Thank you for the advice!

I ended up with various people paying for different things. And this happened specifically because my parents said they would pay for everything, but didnt realize that their additional 100 people (yeah I wanted 15) that they felt obligated to invite cost MONEY and they didnt have it. So they started nixxing things like flowers, DJ, etc early on. My FH and my inlaws ended up picking up the tab for many of these items. My parents are now paying for venue and catering. Learn from my mistake! Ask for clear definitions early!

View Quoted Comment I honestly feel you when it comes to family wanting to over invite. My parents and my fiancé’s dad both agreed on a small wedding family only very minimal friends. Yet my fiancé’s mom sent me a guest list of 120 and 86 of those being HER friends. Which costs money so it’s TOUGH. Especially wanting to keeping it small telling her that her friends that we don’t even know can’t come... the most stressful part bc we don’t want to piss her off but it is our day.

I wouldn't count 100 people max as "very small" just FYI when you are describing your wedding to other guests or vendors or venues. I'd say 50 or under is "very small", 75-150 is typical, 150+ is large.

I don't think anyone will be able to answer this for you, besides you and your family. Every family is SO different with income & savings & traditions, some parent's spend no money on their child's wedding and some spend over $100,000. I would plan on paying for 100% of the wedding yourselves, so plan the wedding you can afford, then meet with your parents and discuss what things will cost to see what they want to contribute if anything at all.

I think you’re over complicating, or going too far too quickly. First, ask how much they mean when they offer financial assistance. Then follow up with if/what additional involvement that help&money entails. You may get as lucky as them writing a check and you factoring it in to your budget and making decisions accordingly...so, before you know it’s not that, I wouldn’t try to break things up. And before you know the number each has in mind, I wouldn’t try to divide spending and allocate where their money is going yet.

Its a a weird conversation to be sure, but it’s necessary. You can’t work with vagueness as y ou can’t try to spend other peoples’ money without knowing what their intentions are. Mine and my husband’s family both offered to “help” but our initial planning was all based on our own budget because we didn’t know what “help” meant and while we’d take what we’d get, we weren’t about to ask for something specific not knowing if help mean $5 or $5000. They all started with “well just tell us a thing and we’ll pay for it” which is a nice sentiment, but not knowing their budget, I couldn’t figure out what the heck to tell them to pay for. When we started paying deposits my mom kept offering to write a check and I finally had to have a real talk moment like “how much of a check exactly are you willing to write ?” After they first offered help , I considered a low ball number of what they might contribute, and that was less than the particular deposit in question. When I finally pushed her, she said that they had a specific dollar value set aside. It was so clear and concise and easy to work around! Yay specifics! They only had one specific “upgrade” above what we would’ve done if we were footing the whole bill on their own, so I put some of the money towards that— but that was important to know too!

I sat with both of our parents and we told them what our budget was with or without their help. 20k is what we decided we could afford if we didn't get help. From there our parents said how much they would contribute. Thankfully they said we pay 12k and they have the rest

I would suggest talking to them directly and asking specific questions on what they can comfortably afford and most importantly - is it a true gift with no strings? Let the checks clear before you spend - these boards are littered with "My parents said they would play for the floral but now they can't - we need $3000 NOW!" or my other personal favorite: "My in law's agreed to pay for the food/flowers/invites/fill in the blank and their choices are HIDEOUS!"

You know these folks the best - it may be a bit uncomfortable to talk about this now but it will NOT compare to the discomfort when you can't pay your vendors.

You are just as married with a $5000 wedding as a $50,000 wedding. Ours was an 11am ceremony followed by a lunch reception, no dance, and we did it for a tad under $3000. Yes there was alcohol, lol. Not a lot as it was noon, but yes some people drank!

You got this!!!

For us, my mother was already set on taking care of the cake and the photographer. My grandparents (who raised me) said they will give us $10,000 - planning on using that towards the dress, flowers, and reception venue. My Fiance's parents are paying for our honeymoon. We're probably paying for the dj and limo.

We're getting married in 2 years so we have time to save for decorations - which we have already put some together. But the 2 years definitely helps a lot with saving and keeping stress levels down

I agree with others saying to sit down with each set of parents separately to talk about their budget. It's so stressful planning before you know what they are going to contribute. Then ask what string is are attached to that money.
My parents offered us a very generous budget upfront. However it wall all for the wedding, not a blank check to do as we please. They paid for items as they came up, I just gave them the details and sent them info for payment. This worked for us.

I would make such the catering costs are correct. That seems too cheap. And are certain that is the catering you are using?
It may help to ask them if they would like to write out a figure amount on paper and fold it or allocate a dollar amount for certain things. Maybe your mom wants to buy the dress not handle rentals but would give extra towards rentals ie.